Next?

Happy birthday USA.

As a Canadian I feel like I know you the same way I would know a step-brother who was already an adult when I was born plus you lived with your mother and became famous and now I just see you on TV.

I hope that doesn't sound negative. That is not my intention. There's a nearness and a farness about us. A nearness because I am fascinated with you and yet a farness because you scare me a little bit too.

I have been to Los Angeles, to Detroit, to Miami, a diverse triangle of climate and culture and all were great experiences. And I have so many favourite Americans, their influence immeasurable: ee cummings, Martin Luther King, Jr, Keith Haring, Ray Charles, Cormac McCarthy, Alfred Hitchcock, Maya Angelou, and so on. Be proud America.

But growing up next to you, it was Evel Knievel who really had my attention. During those formative years, I felt he personified the USA. And even now, with all due respect, I feel that if our countries were a game, we Canadians might be truth and you might be dare. And that makes me wonder, what will you do next?

Things one should never outgrow:

subtlety.

#frick

Things that are most likely the devil (for some kids):

Not my finest moment.

#nothiseither

Things that deserve the stink-ears:

far-away-noises in the middle of the night that mess with one's mind when it's much too early (and irritating) to be AWAKE!

Interior Monologue: [flipping over in bed for the second time] What is that noise? [flipping again] What is that? [big sigh] It's like...it's like...[listening carefully] it's like there's a bathtub in my neighbour's yard...and it's empty...[attempts to shut it out and return to sleep but hears it again]...and inside the tub there's an otter...[flips over]...an otter?...[listening carefully again]...yup, an otter...and he's, what is he doing?...he's scootching his bum...yup, he's scootching his bum back and forth, back and forth, back and forth...bathtub scootching squeaking noises [furrowed brow]...scootching and scootching...and yup, that little bastard is smiling at me while he's scootching and scootching [visualizes uzi]...what is he doing and why does he hate me?...scootching and scootching and scootching...[riddles little otter with bullet holes followed by a momentary pang of guilt and then finally, thankfully, slumber].

Things that deserve the stink-eye:

Source.

#gimmeabreak

Wordfuse (Elf edition)

In and of its elf, the following "Elf on the Shelf" inspired You Tube video is not that creepy. Actually it is kinda creepy. I kept expecting the Grudge girl to come contortionist-ing around the corner. *shivers*

Considering my kids are teens now, I am definitely out of the loop regarding the Santa's Elf on the Shelf mythologization. But all I can say about that is this: once they're teens, Santa's naughty and nice list works about as well as remembering to use "I" statements during heated discussions. *sigh*

#madelfskills?
#chuckywouldkickhisass
#chuckystillscaresme

Wordfuse (Celebrity Edition)

72 days? Seriously? Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries couldn't get along during the honeymoon phase?

Celebrity marriages are like diets. They sure have a lot of them over the years. And 95% of them fail.

Wait a minute? Who am I talking about again? 

Anyway, we all know marriage is not easy. But like most bickering-induced kerfuffles, soon the whole thing will only be mentioned in parentheses (Lisa Marie Presley & Michael Jackson).

#blundertaking
#nincomtroop
#strestrogen
#acrimatrimonious
#fauxthentic
#fiascodependent
#numbsational

Things one should never outgrow:

photo booths (the more people the better).

#thankswillandtreena

This is my hood.

Look who followed my brother home to have breakfast with us this morning.

Born very recently (perhaps yesterday) and apparently much too late in the season, it seems this tiny runt of a deer was abandoned. My brother found it standing on the road and when he reached out the fawn ran right over to him. He waited for the doe but she did not appear.

Starving and trembling but otherwise seemingly uninjured, it roused after a bottle of milk and took a tentative walk in his farmyard and then up onto his deck with its impossibly dainty legs. Suddenly it seemed to remember it was wild and attempted to bolt, so my brother returned it to the spot where he found it.

Yup. It's just another day on a farm in Saskatchewan.

Things that deserve the stink-eye:

when birds conspire.

The Boy Who Cried...

Uh, this post has nothing to do with Team Jakeward.
Instead, it's a monthly meme: 
the Character Assassination Carousel.
The brainchild of the the ever-clever Ninja Mom, 
 bloggers are invited to challenge notions regarding
 children's lit. AKA kids' lit can be freaky.
 Last month Beta Dad took a stab.
In June see what Alicia does with this meme.

Veritable touchstones of moral development, who would possibly criticize Aesop's Fables?

Uh. I would.

Okay. I'll back down a bit. I can't criticize all of them. Just one. Arguably the most famous one: The Boy who Cried Wolf. 

For discussion sake one could re-read the story or perhaps allow me to summarize it in two words: kids lie.

*blanching* WHAT?! Kids lie? Well of course they do. But surely not my kids. Other kids lie, but not my kids! Why would my kids lie? We have a good relationship. We talk all the time. We are so close. *blinks*

Famous last words. Anyway, more on that later.

First, let's examine this fable in a series of questions and answers:

Q: What in hell possessed a village to put one kid in charge of all of the sheep, their very livelihood? What? Gary Busey wasn't available?
A: Yeah, yeah. I know. I'm not supposed to interpret a fable literally but come on. This was mistake #1.

Q: After he's proven unreliable, irresponsible and a narcissist, why give him a THIRD CHANCE?
A: Basically a rhetorical question therefore, last time I checked, no answer required.

Q: Does it scare anyone else that nobody checked on the kid the third time? Sure, he was a liar, but who abandons a kid screaming WOLF?! And who's going to explain it to the authorities that they were just "teaching him a lesson" when the forensics department finds his left elbow?
A: This is creepy. It's like a page torn from the Lizzie Borden Handbook for Parents.

Q: Does this story really teach that "no one believes a liar, even when he is telling the truth?"
A: Doubtful. Here's what I think it teaches kids instead: never tell the same lie twice. (I suspect the boy who cried wolf grew up to become Jack in Lord of the Flies.)

Q: And finally, who cares?
A: I do. Why? Three reasons:

1. I detest when kids claim to be bored and they want adults to do something about it. I believe this is why the expression "go fly a kite" exists. Kids do not lack imagination. Foster curiosity and creativity. Help them develop their own ways to cope with so-called boredom which, in most cases, it just an excuse to be lazy.

2. We must be realistic about our little brats angels. They lie. Think about it. Did you? Look around: our immediate environment is based on lies. Ever watch a TV commercial? Isn't the story about Washington being "unable to tell a lie" a complete fabrication? And who teaches them to lie? We do. Tooth fairy anyone? Don't we expect them to lie when Grandma asks them if they like school?

3. Sadly, this story teaches that lying is powerful. Which it is. But it's so destructive too. I know this because I WAS The Little Prick Who Cried Wolf (alternate title). I gorged on that power as a kid. I lied so much people asked my mother when her baby was due: the uh, nonexistent baby I told everyone at school she was expecting. (Just imagine that P-T interview.) Lying is disrespect. Theft. It exploits people. It's passive-aggressive. Manipulative. It puts everything in doubt. It's insidious. We harm others and ourselves when we lie. Eric Hoffer said, "We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves." The Boy Who Cried Wolf misses the real teachable moment: honesty is the real power. Why not demonstrate the consequences and rewards of telling the truth instead? Truth inspires people. Real honesty heals. That's the lesson kids need to hear. Again and again.

Damn Disney

Another nefarious plot by Walt Disney: make us all love rodents.

My teens now have pets, pet rodents in fact. We must be insane.

They requested pets for years and years. They whined. They begged. Once, my wife's parents surprised our children with a goldfish and I had ongoing and very inappropriate secret thoughts about eyedroppers and bleach but indeed that slimy fish died of natural causes after a mere three years (!!!) during which I cleaned its bowl every Saturday while my children ignored it.

After it died, the whining and begging resumed. My daughter's homepage for a year was a rabbit with a pancake on its head. Cute, but we held firm (mostly) year after year after year. During that time I never said no. (Nod to parenting guru Barbara Coloroso.) Instead I told them they could have a pet if it met my one main criteria for ALL pets: they can't poop.

My daughter just shook her head. But my son sought a way to somehow meet my unreasonable criteria and still get a pet. We had several conversations about this that included questions such as these:

• Dad, do worms poop? Yes. How do you know? Son, what do you think dirt is?
• Dad, do tarantulas poop? Yes.
• Dad, do frogs poop? Yes. (But we did keep frogs for a while until the big ones ate the small ones. Pure carnage.)
• Dad, this is so unfair--everything poops! Yes, it's true. (When my son finally made this conclusion, I must admit I laughed manically inside myself but I still used the patented "aw shucks" parent face while he stared at me in frustration. I'm not sure if Barbara Coloroso would approve but it bought me more time.)

Time ran out though. We now have a dwarf hamster named Greg. And a dwarf rabbit named Echo. My teens are in love. They are adorable. But they poop. A lot.

And I blame it all on Disney.

Random Impressions of California (the Good and the Ugly)

1. When Maggie sucked on us in the Simpsons Ride!!!!
2. The Norman Bates actor on the Universal studios lot creeped me out.
3. Both us and the Pasichnuks seriously considered making our kids go through every all-you-can-eat restaurant (beverages not included! WTH?) at Universal Studios as many times as possible! And VIP passes are fantastic!
4. The pine tree crosses.
5. The hilariously bad Pirate Show at Knott's Berry Farm was like the old 80s Gladiator series minus decorum.
6. Bill the tour-bus guide really enjoyed asking questions and then did not listen to the answers.
7. The fact that I didn't realize my camera was taking pictures as it hung from my hand.
8. "We're just going to add our gratuity to your bill and then add taxes on top of it." Shame shame America.
9. "I'm so happy to be sitting down I think I have an _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _."
10. As my wife laughs hysterically, "I DON'T LIKE THIS ONE! I DON'T LIKE THIS ONE!"