For those who love...

Homer Simpson said it so well:
"I'd be a vegetarian if bacon grew on trees."

Just a little bacon appreciation post for those who love salt and happiness. 

Years ago a friend oh-so-randomly filled a pause in the dinner party conversation by remarking, "Frick, bacon's expensive!" 

Well! You probably had to be there to fully appreciate this, but we laughed all night about his well-timed but left-field declaration and FOR YEARS NOW, whenever there's a lull in the game-night or supper discussion, someone inevitably drops this arbitrary statement and we laugh and laugh again. 

Dear friends, I hope you and your pals have inside jokes.   

Things that deserve the stink-eye:

my iPhone made me into an avatar. 

At some point, an iPhone Apple CarPlay update meant my vehicle navigation now features this tiny and instantly amusing vehicle on my dashboard display and it consistently triggers a switch in my imagination so now any road-trip is ALSO A VIDEO GAME and thus I anticipate/conjure various (fun) characters and or obstacles to emerge like MARIO & LUIGI or a YETI (to eat my avatar) or a LAVA PIT or a PORTAL (teleportation wishful-thinking) and yes, I suppose this confirms I am still a child, also just so you know I'm a tad preoccupied on the road these days. Dear friends, travel safe. 

Let's be honest

Thanks to a childhood filled with sci-fi/horror books and movies, I am especially intrigued by this "lab" situated near my new temporary office. Sure, my cerebral cortex is like calm down, but also DANGER. And those frosted windows? They certainly add to the potential for an "outbreak" of some design.  

Let's be honest: laboratory is a synonym for a fraught 48 hours from an home-made asylum. Yikes. Remember The Fly (1986)?! (Don't google it.) Hence, that's why I would LOVE to visit this room! Because, mystery. Because, curious. Because pea-brain. 

Dear friends, what in the amygdala do you think's going on in there? 😕😁

?

Um, a snowman...or perhaps a (one-eyed) snow-golfer? 😁

Whatever it is, I love it because I love it when creators resist a huge detriment to their art-making: overthinking.  

Dear friends, what do you think? I glimpse an curious and unusual story here, both in its composition and in its substance. 

Is this good? Who cares? It captured my attention plus it simultaneously disturbed me and made me laugh. That's what art should do. 

Bonus: it also hints there are others out there who might also be losing their minds about the unending snow. Art is always a good way to cope. 

Sometimes

Sometimes I suspect that people rarely ever think about photosynthesis or how every leaf is truly astonishing. Sometimes I find this bewildering. 

Sometimes I wonder if it's odd that I changed Siri's voice to an Irishman to help me cope with the psychic weight of these 2020s. 

Sometimes I wish psychology was a core subject, like language, math and science and sometimes I think this might solve all the world's problems.  

Sometimes, unless it's about mobility or herding small kids, I am so deeply confused by people who park aggressively. Sometimes I park like a lollygagging idiot. 

Sometimes I wonder if the person I'm having a conversation with is also struggling to hear and hence we're both pretending to hear what the other is saying and nodding periodically and hoping for the best. Sometimes I wonder what I haven't heard. 

Sometimes I have to give my default people-pleasing self a stern talking-to. 

Sometimes when I press unsubscribe I picture the bot(?) in charge of fulfilling my request, smirking. Sometimes I wonder if I actually forgot to unsubscribe. Sometimes I can't recall from what I unsubscribed. 

Sometimes I wonder if my DIY shortcuts are actually genius—like carpet tape works just as well as glue to install vinyl in a closet, right?—and then I remember that time my Dad renovated and left the old chimney hole in the living room floor and just strategically placed a tv tray over it. (Sometimes I wonder if environment is also genetics.)

Sometimes I wonder in my grandson L is actually an adult comedian trapped in a toddler's body and he's pissed off because he knows it too. 

Sometimes I suspect I might be the only human who walks laps around the dining room table while I read. 

Sometimes I'm 20% in the room with you, but 80% also elsewhere. 

Things that deserve the stink-eye:

A pumpkin-spider-crab, aka "Gourd." 🤣

This year Halloween felt free and I was a bit inspired by the cheery nonsense so I thought, let's give those trick or treaters pumpkin to talk about. 🎶

I'd rate my creation 8 tenths adorable and...maybe 2 tenths nightmare? One kid called it cute, another assessed it as...eww. 🤣

Lapels

Sometimes I'll read something and it grips me by the lapels and stares at me, demands my attention, and when I attend, it grips my shoulders and turns me another direction so that I'm looking at the world anew. 

That, dear friends, is the power of reading and why I love it.  

Sometimes what I've read is profound, and other times, not...BUT even when it's not a revelation, it can be a novel distraction prompting my (pea)brain to say, go there and poke around. Hence the rest of this (crafted before this introduction) is (mostly) stream of consciousness. Let's go:

 

I saw the following comment on another writer's blog post, one in which she had added a selfie: "you have kind eyes" (I agree) and the invitation to reply, aka start a conversation. It made me think. And think. And think. The comment is not so unusual, but in this instance? It hit different. It registered. 

My reply:

1. Is there a better compliment? Not today—at least I can't think of one—what a fine compliment!
2. Do I have kind eyes? Hmm, I don't recall anyone ever using that adjective to describe my eyes.  
3. What have people said about my eyes? When I was in Junior High the girl who sat in front of me on the bus said, "your eyes are steel gray-blue." My heart thudded.
4. Don't most people have kind eyes? Yes, kinda. In various interactions such as when the baker hands me the cake I ordered (typically transactional)...those are kind eyes, but bona fide kind eyes? There's something else there, something subtle, something beckoning, something calm yet charged. What is it?  
5. What other words describe eyes I've encountered? Playful. Mischievous. Winsome. Sparkly. Attractive. Squishy. Sharp. Dismissive. Guarded. Pleading. Cold. Drunk. (Just first thoughts...all creatives should avoid judging the brainstorming process, so I am trying not to overthink these word-choices.)
6. Whose eyes do I deem kind? My grandmother had kind eyes. But it wasn't just her eyes...it was her voice too, her proximity.
7. Do most people actually (searching for the right word here...searching...) ratify compliments, or do they (like me) dismiss them? I wonder. 
8. They seem to have big egos, so do narcissists actually need compliments? First thought: Trump. Insert barf emoji here. 
9.  Are kind eyes impossible to fake, like could someone wholly unkind have kind eyes? Yes, I think it's possible...looking at you Netflix, and your ongoing (problematic but compelling) obsession with tweaking serial killer narratives with redemptional arcs to sustain us all while we navigate this age of (legit) horror, if that makes any sense at all? Anybody?
10. What's the best compliment I've ever received? *scanning... deflecting... scanning... dismissing... second-guessing... scanning....*

Dear friends, feel free to respond to any of these questions. I'm curious about how your answers may grab my lapels. 

FOMO

Our precocious, fast-moving
youngest granddaughter, I. 

Although my grandchildren's personalities are unique (and in development), they all seem to display one common trait: FOMO. 

It's the reason they're so disarming. 

I love it when all three grandkids are together with us, but let's just say I am the JOMO to their FOMO. So when they wiggle their way into my lunch, my laptop, my life... I am summarily overwhelmed and yet also joyously powerless to resist them, similar to Elizabeth Olsen's vibe in this puppy interview, lol. I recall a comedian once remarking that he had no idea that parenting his first toddler would be similar to living with his university roommate if said roommate were drunk 24/7. To hell with boundaries, amirite?

Oh sure, I know how to to gently redirect and distract when necessary, for their safety, for their education, etc. etc.... but at this stage in my life I avoid imposing myself. Why? We earned it: grandparents often take advantage of the privilege to laugh about it and let their parents figure it out. But the real reason? These kids are the nervous system reboot I never knew I needed right now in my life; like the Grinch, they make my heart grow three sizes, minimum. 

Currently, my youngest granddaughter is the perfect age for this puppy-like pandemonium, so that's why I thought she needed to celebrate the way she jumps into life (and off the slide) with both feet; hence, she has her very own FOMO been-there, done-that, bought the t-shirt t-shirt. 

Gaffe-able?

This meme triggered a memory. 

Once, while walking through a park, a person I know appeared from around a corner on the other side, walking opposite to me. There was some distance between us, but upon recognizing each other, we waved and she yelled, “You look great!” 

Surprised, I lifted my shoulders a little higher, and yelled back, “Thanks! You made my day. You look great too!” 

We continued walking, but I noticed her head tilt to one side; she seemed to be staring at me. I thought, wow, I’m pretty hot today, I guess? 

Soon we were directly across from each other, and that’s when she said, smiling, “I think you misheard me; I said you look late.” 

We laughed and laughed. For a while, whenever we saw each other, we would greet each other with this inside joke, “You look great!” And chuckle again. 

Remembering this, I wonder...perhaps the secret to happiness is 1) age-related hearing loss; 2) a heaping helping of self-delusion? Or perhaps happiness is the human connection formed when 3) we laugh at our gaffes? AKA being gaffe-able (gaffe + affable). 😜

Things that deserve the stink-eye:

Let's be honest, learning to spell is hard, but adorable, and perhaps unintentionally awkward? Ask any seven year old, especially this one who has a good grasp of the letter sounds, if not technical clarity. A+ for phonics, 'not yet meeting' for orthography. :)

This young writer responded to the sentence stem, "Peace is...." 

Do you, ahem, agree with her? Or how would you complete the sentence? 

Oh, and peace be cwit you, ha.

(If you're struggling to solve this, unscramble these letters: etqui.)

Things that deserve the stink-eye:

My son gave me a battery-powered chainsaw for my birthday. I LOVE IT. 

There's just one problem: I MUST CHAINSAW EVERYTHING. IMMEDIATELY. 

Whoa: the dopamine hit from this thing?! *chef's kiss*

I am like that annoying semi-retired superhero next door, sawing sawing sawing while wearing my yardwork Grandpops flat-cap and sketchy hole-in the knees superhero pyjamas, saggy everywhere, except for (of course) my biceps. 

Although I am characteristically a gentle man, pshaw, Chris Hemsworth. 

Anyway, if I am unable to find more things to saw, you should know, dear neighbour, that I will begin chainsaw-light-sabering the most evil force of all: spruce bugs. You're welcome.

Things one should never outgrow:

Click here to read more about
the above tragedy.

How did I not know about ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST DAY?! Apparently, it's TODAY (the first Saturday in February) and as I write this, IT IS CURRENTLY PAST 4 PM. 

I feel like Eeyore. 

Nevertheless, I recall Eeyore's famous words, "This is bullshit."

Truth be told, let's be honest, even perhaps (dare I say?) woke. Capitalism invented all of these and other types of days to sell us something and exploit us mercilessly and I am absolutely here for this particularly delicious and hopefully chocolate instance. Why? Because ice cream is the answer to all life's problems. Am I right?

Therefore, my friends, I wish you ice cream for breakfast TOMORROW, or for supper tonight (a great idea) or whenever. Scoop, there it is! 

(P.S. Thanks to Kathy G for inspiring my alarm, and this blogpost.)

Things one should never outgrow:

Where's M?!
I've looked EVERYWHERE!
*giggles*

 hide & seek (especially beginner level). 

Things that deserve the stink-eye:

Uh this signal is, indeed, unknown. 

While walking to work the other day, I noticed this random marker...um, are the kids from Stranger Things meeting here at some point? Because, I am absolutely in favour of that. 

Receipts

source

My favourite childhood babysitter was the TV, and like many Gen X kids, it was also my only babysitter. Alone a lot, TV/film characters became family. One of those characters was Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis) in the film that made her a star: Halloween. In a strange way, she watched me every Halloween that film was telecast. Even after that first viewing, I wondered and worried about Laurie Strode, and it made me a life-long fan of Jamie Lee Curtis. So when she popped up in my favourite film so far this year—the fascinating and chaotic Everything Everywhere all at Once—I was even more riveted. 

In an early scene in that film, her character, IRS inspector Deirdre Beaubeirdra, says this to her client, the film's lead, about the financial information before her: "Now you may only see a pile of boring forms and numbers, but I see a story." I believe this is the core of the film, a story waiting to be uncovered in the shoe box of loose receipts that is our current lives.  

It's hard work to sort through those receipts, isn't it? And yet, if we don some "googly eyes" we might just gain some perspective and clarity about the dominant forces—those "everything bagels" in our lives. We've been experiencing intensified disorder for a decade now. We are inundated with negative voices vying for our clicks and likes. People weaponize flags and honk to breed skepticism, to destabilize, to divide. Cynicism is like a new religion. This film reminds me to put my energy into who and what matters in life, to tear down less and create more.

Sure, I'm just one guy, so what can I do? Even the film acknowledges, "we are all small and stupid." Yet is also proposes that "seeing the good side of things" is "strategic, and necessary." Check those receipts, my friends—like this innovative film, maybe there's another story, a better one. 

Let's be Honest

Heather Buchanan, artist

My daughter's fridge-magnet makes me laugh. Let's be honest: we all feel this way periodically whether the stress is motivated by work nonsense, frustrating obligations, social strife, when the cat barfs, and so on.... 

What I find especially clever about this tiny art-piece is its display of chaos in a mundane form—all typically overlooked objects like fridge magnets should be so incendiary, pun intended haha. It's just so honest; we all have those moments when too many suppressed annoyances threaten to surface. Anyone who claims to be mostly serene isn't paying attention or lying in service to perfection, or perhaps shallow? Sorry to be judgy but consistently Zen types confuse me. They are unicorns and I am glad for them but I personally don't know anyone with an entirely passive amygdala. This story-in-a-fridge-magnet is a nod to authenticity. It echoes Thoreau's astute conclusion that many "lead lives of quiet desperation." Similar to Prufrock, it asks, "should I disturb the universe?"

My daughter is nearing the end of her first year as a Mom and she and her partner learned to be parents IN A FREAKING PANDEMIC. So among the toys and the diapers and her job and the weighty emotional labour and countless other things, I am glad she can have this devious cathartic moment at the fridge everyday and then carry on. 

Things one should outgrow:

source

confirmation bias.  

Like an idiot, I went on Facebook for a while. It really is a wasteland of human confirmation bias, providing a spectrum of dopamine hits, head-shaking, and outright gasps. (Cute pics, though.)

New to me is the "Barnum Effect," which I argue is another form of confirmation bias, our susceptibility to believe what feels affirming. As some credit to circus guru P.T. Barnum, "there's a sucker born every minute." Despite this, I'd still like to identify as an INFJ, which confirms the emotional power of these psychological blind spots.  

I'm not the only one?

Maybe there's a support group for people like us?

Ugh.

Ever wonder what that movie scene moment would be like to cause an explosion and then walk away? Me neither. However, I did discover that when you drive away while still attached to the gas pump, there is no massive explosion. At least not in my case.

Ugh.

Yup. I drove away while still attached to the pump. Gassing up, I jumped back in my vehicle the other morning to resync my phone to the dashboard menu. It took about three minutes and during that time I forgot I was still attached so I drove away. When I heard a noise and noticed the gas pump nozzle hanging out of my vehicle, I experienced disbelief, belief, denial, disbelief, belief and a bowel movement pretty much simultaneously. Confused, I hopped out of my vehicle, checked the hose AND WHAT SORT OF TRICKERY IS THIS? The nozzle has a breakaway feature? And no damage to my vehicle? BLEEPING GENIUS. So I pushed the hose and the nozzle back together. BUT WAIT COULD IT POSSIBLY BE THIS SIMPLE?

I immediately entered the gas station and confessed, and then, like some sort of Dunning-Kruger effect ground zero, asked, "is it fixed then?" I will quote the response of the woman behind the counter.

"Ugh. No. It is NOT fixed. I will fix it. This happens. All. The. Time. Just go. Please go. We should really start charging for this. Ugh. It's okay. It's not that big of a deal. Just go. Just have a nice day."

Her admirable Canadian politeness training kicked in, but quite honestly, she did not give a shit about whether or not I would have a nice day. Nevertheless, I AM GRATEFUL FOR THIS GAS STATION MIRACLE.

One final caution: do not assume all pumps have this feature.

Things that deserve the stink-eye (nerds edition):

Walking to work last month, my friend noticed something so she sent me this photo: far below, a light shining on the ice surface below the bridge. Following is a summary of our conversation over the next week.

Her: Things that deserve the stink-eye...this glowing light is a cell phone on the river. #strangerthings

Me: MY IMAGINATION IS ON FULL THROTTLE. What if that's Barb down there?! IN THE UPSIDE DOWN?!

Her: AND SHE'S SENDING US A MESSAGE!

Honestly I couldn't wait to walk home and see for myself. And yup, I saw the little green light too. So I texted her back...

Me: The light is still there! I'm shook.

Walking to work mornings and evenings, we texted for the next week; we even considered venturing onto the river, but no because, death. Yet the "cell phone" continued to glow. C'mon though: WHAT CELL PHONE HAS A LIGHT THAT REMAINS ON THAT LONG?

Eventually the light faded...

And that's when we realized...

Indeed, my friend. It. Is.