Sunday, January 29, 2012

33 Word Love Story

     An hour into our first date you suddenly revealed your mother died choking on peanuts. 
     I whispered, "my father was choked to death by a drug-dealer," and thought, I found you. At last.

I write non-fiction or creative non-fiction but I rarely write fiction. It's just so hard. However, the 33 word love story challenge at Trifecta just seemed like too much fun not to try. Click above and check out the other entries. Or try it.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

20 things I want right now:

1. teleportation.
2. root beer.
3. a tape-worm (just temporarily).
4. Spring.
5. Nigella Lawson to cook for me.
6. one more conversation with my Dad.
7. my childhood cat.
8. time travel capabilities so I can check out the future for a just a few moments here and there every once in a while without any negative ripple-effect type repercussions. 
9. and/or a few do-overs too (without said consequences).
10. for wishful thinking to have power. 
11. a new roof.
12. the same lottery ticket everyone else wants.
13. another veggie burger at the chalet here.
14. all the stupid things I've ever said to disappear like the dark before the painted clouds at sunrise.
15. tickets to Coldplay and an invitation from them to collaborate on a song.
16. someone to wash and cut my hair.
17. no more aches and pains.
18. a whole bunch of snow for my son.
19. plus one more thing for you.
20. and for you too.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Things that deserve the stink-eye:

Maybe don't google the
"with mother" feature.
Okay fine, click here.
This stuff reeks but here's a list of what it cures:

-warts? Check.
-unsettled stomach? Check.
-farts? Check.
-zits? Check.
-heartburn? Check.
-sinus infections? Check.
-can't poop? Check.
-fat bum? Check.
-baldness? Check.
-lawyers who do commercials? Check.
-Check engine light? Check.
-Ke$ha? It's worth a try.
-your sense of smell? Check.
-fertility? Check.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Wordfuse (Trending Edition)

It's tough to predict what might be fadorable this year. What will people fadopt in 2012? What fadvances will be made? Who will we fadmire? What will we fadmonish

Fadmit it. The only real predictable thing is, of course, the end of the world. People are getting prepared you know. Like Woody Harrelson. And Joe Rogan. And a rapper named, uh, Canibus. I don't make this stuff up okay? They're all on the celebrity believers list here. It's on the internet and everything. Those celebrities are like, preparing stuff. And stuff. I don't know what that means either but it's all clear in the video below (note the dinosaur symbolism). Now what fadjective would one use to describe this fadvertisement

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Things one should never outgrow:


Remember when we were little? After we built the fort, there would always be a lookout. It might be a place, possibly camouflaged or from above or peeking out somewhere no one would suspect. The lookout might also be a designated member of the group who hid and watched for what approached.

But what did we expect to approach? Usually it was our parents' unwanted commands. "It's time to go home!" "It's time to come inside!" (And then we would hide for as long as we could.) Sometimes the lookouts were for approaching enemies. But except for an occasional older sibling who threatened to wreck the fort, none really came. No. The real purpose of the lookout was the suspense.

I loved that feeling.

I think we adults forget that feeling, that anticipation. That's why I'm realizing that lookouts are still important....

For the past several months I have been literally counting the days. And then yesterday, I heard a whisper, "Just stop." I've wasted so much time trying to get life back the way it was. But the life I want back doesn't exist anymore.

This is my life. Right now.

I have to stop wasting my time counting. Instead, I have to build a lookout, one that looks ahead instead of back, one that is excited about what could be next whatever that might be, one that believes in promise again, one with more wonder than worry.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

This is my hood.

Some facts about the Canadian moose:
1. If your bathroom scale shows you are about 300 pounds (135 kilos) then you weigh about a quarter of a moose.
2. They like to pretend they're blind.
3. They pshaw at people parked on the highway in little cars. Or snicker. Like they did to me. This morning. As they had a meeting. All four of them.
4. They don't give a shit if you're late.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Let's be (too) honest.

Sometimes the people we're forced to live with family members can be a tad too candid can't they?

My teen son says that I'm getting so old that this is what I look like when I sleep. He says it also explains how I developed a nasty sty [see clip from Yes Man below].

I say I wouldn't sleep like I'm catatonic if I weren't so stressed from raising teenagers. I say I highly recommend marriage, but kids? Nope. I say other things too, but by then everyone has left the room. Bummer.


Friday, January 13, 2012

The Oldest Trick in the E-book

When I was a kid and busy predicting (like everyone else) that we would all have super-cool flying cars in the 21st century, I did not fathom we would have electronic books instead.

I now plug in my bedtime reading. And it’s sort of weird.

Books are a big deal to me. I've had serious relationships with some books. (Stop judging me okay?) That’s why I’m thinking that my new e-reader might be more like an awkward Junior High crush than a long-term relationship.

At first I was infatuated. She’s this tiny beauty and she’s easy to stare at for hours. In my opinion that pretty much summarizes Junior High. But then I started to worry. It’s so effortless to download new books. Let’s just say there sure are a lot of books in the virtual sea if you know what I mean. E-books may be cheaper but when the bookstore is at my fingertips, it’s alarmingly easy to impulse-buy. Cha-ching. Maybe I need to take things more slowly? Because this relationship is costing me a lot of my allowance.

She’s a bit temperamental too. I was reading a particularly absorbing scene about some musicians hiding from the Nazis in a Jazz Club during World War 2 when suddenly my e-reader had some sort of meltdown and she insisted I go recharge. That definitely killed the moment. Like any junior high relationship, emotional upheaval can strike at any time.

She also has a tendency to go on and on. Like any guy, I want to read short books. I’m not saying I don’t read long books. I do. But when I buy a new book I have to check three things: the cover, the first line, and (almost a deal-breaker) the number of pages. I prefer my books to have no more than 300 pages, max. Long books are just too much of a commitment and they’re rarely worth all the extra pages. But with my e-reader, I have no idea how many pages there are. Instead, when I press the bookmark, the e-reader indicates the percentage of the book I've read. What does 28% actually mean? 28% of how many pages?! How long is this going to go on? Again, like a Junior High relationship, I sometimes feel a little trapped and confused.

Despite these bumps in the e-road, I am still crushing on my e-reader. Why? Even though this relationship may go nowhere, I can still pull the oldest trick in the e-book:
1.      Find a comfortable spot to sit.
2.      Fake-yawn.
3.      Stretch my arm around her.
4.      Cuddle up with my e-book.
5.      And get lost in the movie she makes up inside my head. 

Thursday, January 12, 2012


This is some good advice whether or not you're ADD (and let's be honest, aren't we all a little bit ADD?)


Tuesday, January 10, 2012

It's the (annoying) Little Things (with bacteria).

Wondering what this is? Or retching?

It's not what you think. This is what you're looking at and after it was stuck to the carpet and the chairs and the walls and probably someone's forehead and wherever else the kid flung it in an attempt to collect every single germ in the place, its final resting place is now stuck to the ceiling in my dentist's office today.


Monday, January 9, 2012

Sometimes. Sheesh.

I found another sticky note today. An old one. It's my handwriting but I'm stumped. What does it MEAN?


Saturday, January 7, 2012

Strategies, not Solutions

I admit it: I don’t know many ways to solve problems anymore. I rely more on strategies than solutions. Sometimes they don’t work. But often they do.

Psychologically speaking, the following might fit into "escape-avoidance coping mechanisms" but most of them are fairly constructive with only a dash of self-punishment.
  • Taking a walk: ever wonder why we use the expression "take" when it's actually more of a gift?
  • The fireplace channel (or a campfire).
  • Beauty (people forget but it's everywhere).
  • Quoting Ron Burgundy: Sweet Lincoln's mullet! I'm in a glass case of emotion!
  • Old movies: Peter Sellers was a genius.
  • This app: it instantly changes my mood.
  • Expensive sheets: essential.
  • Deep fried chocolate bars (do add ice cream).
  • "Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life." ~Mark Twain
  • Thanks Twain: good friends and guiltless tomfoolery too.
  • Texting odd and random things to those good friends... I'm talking with some people--when exactly were you abducted by Gary Busey?
 What works for you?

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

This is my hood.

Why is this parked under my deck at my back door?

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