Things that deserve the stink-tongue:

Read the fine print.

#whoa
#howdidthislegalygetacrosstheborder?
#onetasteandifeltlikeihadsmokedapackofcigarettes
#thanksgrant

Coming Soon...?

#idonotliketotravel
#igrowlwheniampissedoff
#igrowlalot
#thereforedonotholdyourbreath

to your house?

#happyEastertomorrow
#chocolatebunniesarebetter

I miss when...

The one on the right is exactly what my Dad looked like.

Statler & Waldorf complained from the balcony on The Muppet Show every Tuesday.









#whatwouldtheysayaboutJerseyShore?

Helicopter Ears

Meet Echo, aka Buns.

This is my daughter's rabbit. Something about her reminds me of Marge Simpson's sister Selma. I think if we gave her a pack of cigarettes she'd be a lot happier.

Buns has an extra chin she likes to wear under her chin. Sometimes she wants to be petted but she's a tad temperamental. Mostly she enjoys eating fashion magazines. How's that for an eating disorder Heidi Klum? 

Even though she has helicopter ears, she can't fly. Yet. We're teaching her. It's only a matter of time.

Happy Easter peeps.

Wordfuse (Family Rodent Edition)

1. buninhibited (adjective): bunny + uninhibited = one free-from-her-cage bunny, unhampered, unrestricted, just chillaxing. Bunfettered? Bunflappable? See picture.

2. bunholy (adjective): bunny + unholy = one wicked-and-unreasonable bunny when she wants to be (growling, ninja type posturing, you-can't-stop-me stubbornness; when you rearrange the items in her cage she will wait patiently until you are done, then (Oh snap!) she puts them all back exactly where they were before. No picture available: I think she senses when to vamp it up for the photogs.

*To me, she resembles a rodent Rorschach test. What do you see?

Damn Disney

Another nefarious plot by Walt Disney: make us all love rodents.

My teens now have pets, pet rodents in fact. We must be insane.

They requested pets for years and years. They whined. They begged. Once, my wife's parents surprised our children with a goldfish and I had ongoing and very inappropriate secret thoughts about eyedroppers and bleach but indeed that slimy fish died of natural causes after a mere three years (!!!) during which I cleaned its bowl every Saturday while my children ignored it.

After it died, the whining and begging resumed. My daughter's homepage for a year was a rabbit with a pancake on its head. Cute, but we held firm (mostly) year after year after year. During that time I never said no. (Nod to parenting guru Barbara Coloroso.) Instead I told them they could have a pet if it met my one main criteria for ALL pets: they can't poop.

My daughter just shook her head. But my son sought a way to somehow meet my unreasonable criteria and still get a pet. We had several conversations about this that included questions such as these:

• Dad, do worms poop? Yes. How do you know? Son, what do you think dirt is?
• Dad, do tarantulas poop? Yes.
• Dad, do frogs poop? Yes. (But we did keep frogs for a while until the big ones ate the small ones. Pure carnage.)
• Dad, this is so unfair--everything poops! Yes, it's true. (When my son finally made this conclusion, I must admit I laughed manically inside myself but I still used the patented "aw shucks" parent face while he stared at me in frustration. I'm not sure if Barbara Coloroso would approve but it bought me more time.)

Time ran out though. We now have a dwarf hamster named Greg. And a dwarf rabbit named Echo. My teens are in love. They are adorable. But they poop. A lot.

And I blame it all on Disney.