Things one should never outgrow:

(I'm a leaf blower.)

Do you like my 12-second Halloween costume?

Guess what I am.
















#attachleaftohatthenblow
#sogeniusyetsopathetic

Things that deserve the stink-eye:

This is our kindness board.
Considering it's attached to the fridge,
our teens couldn't miss it if they tried.
But they do.
#brats

teenagers.

My entire day in six words:

Humble pie chart.

I got punched in the egos.

Things one should never outgrow:

#youneedasenseofhumourtowork@Walmart
#customersgeta"kick"outofthisibet
#freakythingshappen@Walmart
#Walmartscaresme
#ouch

Things that deserve the stink-eye:

the last watermelon. This means summer is officially over.

#allfruitshouldcomeinitsownbowl
#sleddingandskiing
#sparklingsnow
#doesmywintercoatstillfit?
#bummer

Yeah, no. Probably not.

During my travels today, I noticed this fairly new sign. Hmm. Maybe this is where sweethearts go to have their pictures taken for annoying cutesy Facebook statuses? Perhaps a tourism gimmick something akin to Love, Saskatchewan? Or, looking more closely, maybe it's some cryptic rebus? Could it mean...

"Hi-i've a cup to present to vague little people in the distance to support wheelchair access."

Get it? Hi-i've?

Sorry. Yeah, no. Probably not.

Google revealed otherwise: Honey Bunny sells organic honey products all over North America. However, I'm still a little confused by the symbolism. Your thoughts?

This is my hood.

Er, that would be Churchill Square.

I'm sick of staggering greed too.

However, the Occupy Edmonton branch of protesters might need a little help with spelling.

#everwideninggapbetweenhaves&havenots
#greedisthedevil
#lotsofweedwaftingoutofthisarea
#seriouslyunderminingtheircredibility
#ifnothingeverchangesnothingeverchanges

What's this for?

It's magic.

I like my new car. Great fuel economy! It's tiny (and I'm not). Someone remarked that it looks like I have to pull it on like a boot! I thought that was hilarious.

Anyway, it has this button. I have no idea what its function is. But you know what? I like to press it. (It makes me feel better.)










#itsallgoingtobeok
#weallneedanokbutton
#sortofliketheeasybutton
#mostboysknowstuffaboutvehicles
#notme

♀?

Women and their new hairdos—what’s up with that? It’s always a big deal. Even when it doesn’t look like that big of a deal. Sure, a good haircut makes us all feel a little spiffier but can it really be life-changing? It’s just hair. I’m 61% sure that the other day the TV said we all wash our hair too often. Therefore, thanks to the TV, I am now toying with the notion of washing my hair on an as-need basis only. It just makes sense. I’m guessing women aren’t jumping on that bandwagon. This reminds me of pants.

Women and their pants—what’s up with that? Men hate pants. I am 91% sure that men would prefer to go pants-less 24/7. But women like pants. I wash clothes sometimes and I find pants in the basket that are odd. They look like mannequin pants. Yoga pants I think they’re called. But my wife doesn’t do yoga. Well, actually, she has done yoga but I think she’s more interested in yoga pants. This reminds me of DVDs.

Women and their DVDs—what’s up with that? My wife and the other women I know all have exercise DVDs that I’m 73% sure none of them ever use. All the latest exercise crazes. What’s the newest one? Rumba? Zumba? Poomba? By comparison, we guys have very different DVD collections, useful DVDs aka ridiculous, mindless comedies. The sillier the better. Movies that make a guy laugh so hard he chokes on his Pringles. This reminds me of popcorn.

Women and their popcorn—what’s up with that? Popcorn is indeed tasty. But is it a meal? No. I’m 86% sure it’s not. Or at least it shouldn’t be. A meal needs peas and carrots. And fish. Preferably deep-fried. (The fish, not the peas and carrots.) But women just want to eat popcorn for supper while they read a book. This reminds me of cards.

Women and the men they love—what’s up with that? I’m 100% sure that even though it’s difficult for us men to understand womanly ways and those women we love, I’m 94% sure we get the better "deal." (At least 59% of the time.)

Things one should never outgrow?

Er, ever since Thanksgiving, my son and I may have developed a problem, a planking problem.

















#cantstopplanking
#theworldisjustonebigplank
#nowyoureplankingwithgas!
#waysaferthanthefreerunningstagehewentthrough
#videosurveillancechuckle

Things that deserve the stink-eye:

Hey teens; welcome to our school!
Try not to breathe in.

#aisforasbestos
#decoratingwithasbestos
#schoolgymnasiumssmelllikefeet
#watchingmykidslosevolleyballgamesonsaturdays
#thatswhatdadsdo

Wordfuse (Blah Blah Blah Edition)

procrastinate + narrate = procrastinarrate (verb): what those people who are so so so so so lazy busy tend to go on and on and on about, namely all those things on their "to-do lists" that they would have more time to actually do if they did less moaning about how much they have to do.

(Procrastinarrators are way less fun than procrastiknaves.)

This is my hood.

Image from here.

As another challenging Canadian winter approaches, at least it's time again for this.


















#iwishtheystillworekilts
#admittedmalechauvinism
#sheepishface
#youneedstonestocurl
#iloveCanada

Wordfuse (Holiday Edition)

Happy Planksgiving Canada!

#youvebeenplanked
#coldturkey
#thatturkeyhasgoosebumps
#mywifewasmidlyperturbed
#consideringthemodelowlingwouldhavetotallyworkedtoo

I miss when...

Image from here.

hockey could be played without concussions.

Sometimes

Image from here.

Sometimes I wonder why people can't see how awkward I can be.

Sometimes I wonder if I only think people can't see how awkward I can be.

Sometimes people think I'm smarter than I am so they tell me "smart" things and I don't understand what they're talking about but I fake it.

Sometimes I wonder if all my intelligence is actually just fake intelligence.

Sometimes, during a conversation with someone I'm not comfortable with, my brain feels like a multi-lane highway and like shifting to higher gears I fire out conversation topic after conversation topic to gain control of the conversation so the other person thinks I'm really engaged while another part of my brain is scootering alongside in another lane seeking the segue to swerve into the conversation, carjack me and then exit the freeway safely.

Sometimes I believe I am a very good actor but sometimes I wonder if people I'm not really comfortable with just think I'm an asshole.

Sometimes I wonder why there are people in my life that I've known for years and years that I am still not comfortable with.

Things one should never outgrow:

crafting a home-made mini skate-board park. Just 'cause.


















#myteensonisagoofball
#alovablegoofball
#chicksdigthisstuff
#inheritedinabilitytobemature

#wonkygenes
#thismaybesomewhatjackassinspired

#miniatureheadtrauma

I miss when...

The one on the right is exactly what my Dad looked like.

Statler & Waldorf complained from the balcony on The Muppet Show every Tuesday.









#whatwouldtheysayaboutJerseyShore?

Sometimes it's the little things.

Cornflakes you ask?
Believe me. This pic is way better than, well...
let's just say don't google "dead skin flakes."
(And for those of you who will now immediately
feel compelled to google there, don't say I didn't warn you.)

Apparently the average person sheds 40 pounds of dead skin in a lifetime. With no effort. Whatsoever.

No treadmill. No calorie counting. No avoiding the 4 food groups: sugar, salt, fat & alcohol. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Yup. This is the PERFECT diet.

Now I just have to figure out how to do this all at once.

An imaginary place?

An imaginary place?

"Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place." ~Zach Braff in the film Garden State










     I grew up in a flawed but functional family. Is there any other kind? I always needed more. But maybe I'm just needy? So when I built my own family, I vowed to give more. Is it ever enough though? It makes me wonder...
     Sometimes I think family is like a phantom limb. Even when it's not there...it's there and sometimes you wish it was there again, the way it once was. But that's gone. And because of that it's hard to feel whole.
     I wonder about people who grew up in broken families. If you grew up in a broken family do you feel cheated, maybe you miss what your friends had? And if you grew up in a unbroken family, a so-called happy family (does it exist?) eventually you had to leave so you are bound to miss it too.
     Either way there's heartbreak and longing.
     I just don't know. It's so confusing to me now. I'm a failure at this family thing.
     But maybe a family isn't like a phantom limb. Maybe a family is more like 70% of the Earth's surface: water. Is this just part of the cycle? I hope so.

Things one should never outgrow:

using your fingers to spell a secret message on your wife's back (when she least expects it).

#hi
#ifarted
#loveyou

I miss when...

#buthelookssohappy
Image from here.

I didn't know what trans fat was.