Wordfuse (Blather on Edition)

This is that awkward anxious feeling somewhere in the sudden lull between one person's incessant yapping and even more yapping when the so-called listener is finally given a moment to remark but has understandably already stopped listening thus has no idea how to respond and compensates with a nod and fake smile. It's a classic.

#ineedtoshutup

Wordfuse (Blah Blah Blah Edition)

procrastinate + narrate = procrastinarrate (verb): what those people who are so so so so so lazy busy tend to go on and on and on about, namely all those things on their "to-do lists" that they would have more time to actually do if they did less moaning about how much they have to do.

(Procrastinarrators are way less fun than procrastiknaves.)

Deodorant

Preamble: It might help to envision the following like an episode of The Big Bang Theory. You're welcome.

     My friend Grant (see here and here too) informed me that scientists are much closer now to developing ways to render things invisible. Think about that for a moment. In-vis-i-ble.

     Undoubtedly, I lack the ability to fully comprehend the science fuelling this incredible technology (something about nanoscale engineered properties, bending light and duct tape I bet) but I can provide at least one intelligent comment about the topic: whoa.

     Grant explained it well. In other words, that dude’s smart. Yet at the risk of pushing my geekness to Richter scale proportions, I must admit that his explanation lit such an imaginative spark in my noggin that it caused my brain to almost instantly "reboot." In other words, my mind completely changed direction, like pivoting on one's heel. 
     This happens to me frequently. My brain fiercely focuses on a new idea, heat-seeks the gist, and then instead of reflecting on it, my mind proceeds to access some sort of haphazard filing system searching, pruning, crafting an analogy or comparison, the odder the better. It’s like a car that pulls up along the curb to allow a passenger to enter, then suddenly makes a u-turn, in reverse. Meanwhile, someone is left standing at the curb looking perplexed.
     I believe the technical term for this might be brainfart.

     So anyway, this all transpired during his explanation, about sixty seconds max. Grant opened the conversation with "invisibility" and where was I sixty seconds later?
     "Deodorant."

     Let me explain. Do you have some odd-comment friends? Do know someone whose responses make you feel drunk? Do you have buds who say things that make you want to shake your head and nod at the same time? I'm one of those people.
     Sadly, I've grown accustomed to those awkward lulls during which I must explain to someone how I arrived at an idea. So here it is in eight easy steps. While Grant described how invisibility may soon become more science fact than science fiction, my mind went from

1. the concept of invisibility to
2. stealth plane (part of his explanation) to
3. light to
4. technology to
5. innovation to
6. invention to
7. can-opener (stay with me) to
8. deodorant.

     It all makes sense now right? 

     Okay. I'll explain. He described an exciting new invention and once I understood, I defaulted to a common invention and then to my favourite invention: deodorant. (Think about it. Would the world be even remotely as advanced without deodorant?)

     Surprisingly, Grant barely flinched at my seemingly random reaction and I know why. Did I mention that Grant began the entire conversation by noting how cool the wheels are on modern vehicles? Essentially, he segued from "sweet wheels" to "invisibility" in a matter of seconds. Birds of a feather brain fart together I guess. There must be lots of us out there stinking up the universe, right? Know any?

I Hear Voices

We all have an inner voice. I’m not referring to my conscience though. For me, that’s an altogether different inner voice, one that sounds a little like my Dad and it rarely talks but it does shake its head a lot. I mean a different inner voice. (Confused yet? Sorry.) At the risk of sounding screw-loose, I mean a voice that just talks in the background periodically. This inner voice helps humble me but lately, it’s become quite bad-tempered. Is this happening to anyone else?

This inner voice used to be too quiet. During my youth, it often let me blather on and on like a windbag know-it-all. Well let’s just say it’s louder now and it’s cantankerous. Here’s a recent talk I had with myself.

The conversation was about nothing. Obviously, I enjoy meaningless conversation (nod to the majority of my columns). Anyway, my inner voice grew weary of a ten minute discussion I was having with two guys about the importance of buying decent quality shoes. Things got weird when it said, “Dude, shut up! I repeat. SHUT UP!”

Surprised by its use of the upper case, I asked my inner voice, “Why?!”

“No one cares about expensive comfortable shoes. You sound like an idiot. And old.”

Insults? Puzzled, I weakly replied, “I’m not old.”

It persisted, “Dude, you’re talking about shoes.”

Getting a little offended, “Yeah, so?”

“Seriously? In your discussion on shoes, you referenced a documentary you saw about the coca-cola company. Only old farts talk about their shoe woes and only old farts watch documentaries about the history of coca-cola.”

“But—”

“And speaking of coca-cola, you actually told your son the other day you were excited about ordering a root beer because you rarely drink it anymore. Do you think he cares? Do you think he thinks that makes any sense? He was probably thinking just drink the flippin’ root beer Dad. There’s no need to talk about root beer and caffeine and insomnia for ten minutes after you order a root beer!”

“Maybe not but—”

“Seriously. What’s the next discussion topic going to be? Are you going to share that you’ve walked home then realized you drove to work? Or will you discuss how you drift off during conversations to talk to your inner voice?”

Yup. I am. And here it is. Suddenly my inner voice has become the voice of everyone in my life who ever said I was stupid. Message to my inner voice: zip it. Because in the words of Dr. Seuss, “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”