Things one should outgrow?

Do the math people. Chances are 1 in a really big number in the millions. Chances are even better that this practice makes our old math teachers very, very sad. Why not buy happiness this way instead?

?

Worms & dirt donuts? Whoa. Clever.

So why not...French Toast Donuts? Lemon Poppy-seed Donuts? Pop-Tart Donuts? Ice-cream Sundae Donuts? Irish-Cream Donuts? Rice-Krispie Square Donuts?

If you ask me, those are quite deep frideas.

Sorry.

"Treat everyone as if they are carrying a box of donuts." ~Josh Hara

My life in 6 words...

Halloween candy has no calories, right?

Things that are most likely the devil:

hazelnut chocolate tarts, each one the size of a small pie. How was I to know I was supposed to share it with someone?

#gone

Things one should never outgrow:

word-choice combinations (and lemon meringue cookies).

#mutantmarshmallows
#larddollops
#whencottoncandybarfs
#whencloudspoop
#whensnowsneezes
#wetwadsoftoiletpaper

#looksbadtastesgood
#likemostthingsicook

Things that are most likely the devil:

#chocolatepeanutbutterchunk

Wordfoodz

yum + pumped = yumped (adjective) aka hyped/eager to eat/consume something yummy such as cheesecake, poutine, fish & chips, waffles with maple syrup, pumpkin pie, Stewart's root-beer, a big veggie burger, a deep-fried chocolate bar, ice cream, my Grandma's chocolate cupcakes or fill-in-your-own-blank here. Which foods get you yumped?

Kinda Disturbing

There's such carnage in those heady days following Easter.

#csi
#theyllneverfindhim

Things that deserve the stink-eye:

?

Guess what this is.

A bag of puke? Nope.

Play-doh gone bad? Nope.

That bag of yeasty goop that people inexplicably gift to others to make friendship bread? Nope.

It's celery.

We found it one of our teen's rooms. Frick.

I call it snackteria.

Things that are most likely the devil:

This website is fun (and it helps me manage the guilt too).

Things one should never outgrow:

Good stuff.

I call these rice-crispiess quares deconstructed... condensed milk is most likely the devil... makes me feel like a kid again... don't judge my trailer-park palate... I basically grew up on Tang (& spam & miracle whip & cheez whiz)... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I miss when...

#buthelookssohappy
Image from here.

I didn't know what trans fat was.

Things that are most likely the devil:

Can't. Resist. Freakin. Cheezies.

the hotel "honour" snack bar in my room.

"For your convenience during your stay, we've provided an honour bar which will be replenished daily. Please present this form upon departure at the front desk. All items are $2 each... If charges are not posted prior to checkout, your credit card will be late charged. [Neener neener.]"

#passiveaggressive
#cheeziesaddiction
#missvickies99%fat
#eatingakitkatrightnow
#the4foodgroupsaresugarsaltfatalcohol

Things one should never outgrow:

marshmallows, especially toilet-paper-roll-sized marshmallows used to make s'mores.

#thanksmia

Things that are most likely the devil:

Voila. Chips & Dip, aka the devil.

See the open maw of that silvery Old Dutch bag? That's where the ripple chips were, all dusted with their death-by-salt goodness. But I ate ALL those bastards for supper. Like a good boy. See that innocent-looking little dip container? It's a cauldron mix of cream-cheese, salt and something called Carob Bean Gum (pronounced Beelzebub).

Things that deserve the stink eye:



Go to http://www.culturebrats.com/ for more of this sort of tomfoolery. 















Seriously?! Some pointed questions & one honest comment:

1. What's next to be caffeinated? Cotton candy? Water?
2. A collectible box? Who is going to display that box? Hoarders maybe?
3. And who would dare give these to kids? Certainly not anyone who knows anybasicthing about kids. 
4. These are like stereotype threat hors d'oeuvres for the people who live on the Axiom in Wall-E. (Stay Puft? No shit.) 
5. (And yeah, I secretly want six dozen.)

Wordfuse

*cumbertoothsome (adjective): cumbersome + toothsome = when food is especially delicious yet awkward, problematic or tedious to actually consume. See pomegranates, s'mores, poppycock, caramels, candy-apples, frozen bananas, chicken wings, bbq ribs, double cheeseburgers with all the fixings or, if you have braces: everything.

*Cumbertoothsomely (adverb form): how babies and toddlers eat all the time. Also how drunk people eat when they stumble home from the bar or a party: see David Hasselhoff.

Things that are most likely the devil:

Gourmet dessert truffles are basically chocolate-flavoured butter. Just sayin' (and salivating like the dog-raised-on-trans-fat that I am).

Things that deserve the stink eye:

     My teens eat disturbing things. Spongebob Alphagetties with brown beans and ketchup for example. Or raw hotdog appetizers followed by hotdogs microwaved so long they "sing" when they are cooked. Anyway, what follows is a recipe concocted by one of my 16 year old daughter's peeps (Abby), also 16. I tried one and I would describe it this way: like eating ground drywall.

Disturbing Teen Recipe #39
Ingredients:
~ 1 cheese puff
~ 1 M&M with a peanut inside
~ 1 real fruit (yeah right) gummie

Shove in mouth and chew. Laugh hysterically (while adults grimace). Repeat.

My Enablers (Teens these Days!)

     My children are old enough now to be enablers. It’s great! (Shout out to Lindsay Lohan's mother.) 

     I've trained my son to bring home rootbeer for me from his job. And it takes practically no convincing whatsoever whenever I ask either of my teens to walk (or drive) to the convenience store and buy ice-cream-on-a-stick. To them, these so called “errands” are definitely not chores. They love spending my money and they also appreciate the opportunity to take their own money (more money I gave them because they never return the change) and buy their own "necessities." Although it's expensive, it’s so convenient! (These are the milestones they never mention in parenting books.)

     There’s only one problem.

     Someone taught them the meaning of hypocrisy.

     Curses!

     My devious teens are often quite skilled at correctly identifying when I’m manipulating them for my own selfish wants. And they also know what would happen if their mother knew. Um, let’s just say that kind of disclosure would be problematic. So call it extortion. Or call it blackmail. But I say, call them brats for threatening to tell their mother about our little “arrangement.”

     But I can play games too. I know their threats are empty because if they spoil the secret, they too will be prevented from ice-cream-on-a-stick and various other treats and indulgences. MUAHAHAHAHAHA right back at you my own little extortionist teen gang! How's Velma going to solve this my little Shaggies?!

     (Who teaches kids to be so devious anyway?)