Things that deserve the stink-eye:

the boots my son wore to family pictures yesterday.

#dingdong
#andthosesweatpantstoo
#hidehimbehindatree

Things that deserve the stink-nose:

gymnasiums.

#highschoolboysvolleyball
#smellslikeabighockeybag
#shouldbesponsoredbyfebreeze
#gonumber10!

Things that deserve the stink-ears:

far-away-noises in the middle of the night that mess with one's mind when it's much too early (and irritating) to be AWAKE!

Interior Monologue: [flipping over in bed for the second time] What is that noise? [flipping again] What is that? [big sigh] It's like...it's like...[listening carefully] it's like there's a bathtub in my neighbour's yard...and it's empty...[attempts to shut it out and return to sleep but hears it again]...and inside the tub there's an otter...[flips over]...an otter?...[listening carefully again]...yup, an otter...and he's, what is he doing?...he's scootching his bum...yup, he's scootching his bum back and forth, back and forth, back and forth...bathtub scootching squeaking noises [furrowed brow]...scootching and scootching...and yup, that little bastard is smiling at me while he's scootching and scootching [visualizes uzi]...what is he doing and why does he hate me?...scootching and scootching and scootching...[riddles little otter with bullet holes followed by a momentary pang of guilt and then finally, thankfully, slumber].

Things one should never outgrow:

word-choice combinations (and lemon meringue cookies).

• mutant-marshmallows
• lard dollops
• when cotton candy barfs
• when clouds poop
• when snow sneezes

They look bad but taste good, which could be my cookbook's name. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Things one should never outgrow:

tomfoolery. (I found these "teeth" in one of my slippers this morning.)

#"tom"akamyson
#revenge
#thewalkingdeadwerehere
#dopeoplestillsaytomfoolery?

Sometimes

Day 1

I’ve never had a moustache. Unless you count the goatee I sported for a few years. Early on in that questionable experiment someone told me it looked like a gopher was trying to swallow my mouth. I decided to buy some grooming equipment after that.

And I grew a patchy beard one December while I was in University to protest exams. It didn’t have any effect. And for about a month I had a small soul patch. But I wasn’t cool enough to pull that off. Mostly I’ve been clean-shaven my whole life.

Not this month though. It’s Movember, the month devoted to all things facial hair to bring awareness, discussion and support to men’s physical and mental health issues.

My first experience with facial hair and men’s health was my Dad. The guy probably had sideburns when he was thirteen. But he ignored his health. Religiously. Over the course of his life he avoided the doctor whether he nearly sliced his thumb off or crushed his toes flat. He would have thought Movember was for ding-dongs. It caught up with him though. If he had lived longer, I think he would have changed his mind. I’d like to imagine him growing his beard with me this month. And that, I think, might be the real point of Movember.

Guys: it’s true we all respect the women’s health movement. We embrace the pink campaign with our dearest daughters and wives and aunts and mothers and sisters and grandmothers. And guys: it’s true we may feel too uncomfortable with vulnerability to really feel worthy of a month focused on us and our health. But that seems like a missed opportunity for solidarity and friendship with each other because let’s face it: we shouldn’t feel alone in this. Sometimes only another guy can really understand.

To be honest though, I’m not growing my beard this month for all men. Sorry. It’s just for one man this time actually. A really good man. A good man with cancer.

I don't know what else to say about that. The beard will have to speak for me because sometimes there are just no words. 

Things one should never outgrow:

super lame Halloween costumes.

#hokeypocus
#thesophisticatedhumourportionofmybrainmustbedamaged

Things that deserve the stink-eye:

icicle weaponry.

#whoa
#happyhalloween
#thiswinterhasbeennutssofar
#funwithmac
#misterharvey

Things one should never outgrow:

formulas.

#whatmotivatesyou?

Things that deserve the stink-eye:

After several years of marriage things change. Things evolve. Attention shifts. Priorities get, uh, reprioritized. Eventually, some wives simply replace their husbands. Sometimes this happens without much warning. Sometimes the guy doesn’t even know. Sometimes maybe a guy doesn’t even notice because he still lives in the house with his wife.  At least not at first. And then one day he has an inkling...that something is different. And then a month passes and he has another inkling and then he’s sure, something has definitely changed. It happens. And now it’s happened to me. My wife replaced me. And here’s the skinny on my wife’s new husband:

      1.      He’s skinny.

2.      Sleek even.

3.      Attractive.

4.      Intelligent.

5.      Convenient.

6.      Hardly has any needs.

7.      Is easy to manipulate.

8.      He communicates in multiple ways.

9.      Is popular and can do way awesome stuff.

10.  Doesn’t care about the remote control.

11.  Doesn’t eat her food.

12.  He’s touchy-feely.

13.  He’s interactive.

14.  He does whatever she wants.

15.  Encourages her to shop.

16.  Everyone gathers around when he’s in the room.

17.  He’s so fantastic, my wife’s friends are jealous.

18.  Even my friends think he’s several levels cooler than I am.

19.  He goes “ding” just to mock me.

20. And just this morning, my wife looked at me all dreamy and said, "I'm in love with my iPad."