Check

Checklist for an amazing January:

1. Furnace
2. Fuzzy blankets
3. Wi-Fi
4. Booster cables
5. Alcohol
6. Throat lozenges
7. Mittens
8. Electricity
9. Fireplaces (or perhaps the Fireplace channel)
10. Firewood
11. Repeat quietly as needed: "A little more daylight every day. A little more...."   
12. Chips (because buying fruit might require a second mortgage)
13. Books
14. YouTube
15. Hot chocolate
16. Command start
17. Skidoo
18. Reminder: mosquitos are deader than disco
19. Friends who bring the funny
20. Potluck parties
21. Skating (no skates required, some days)
22. Snow forts
23. Snowshoes
24. Mukluks
25. Hoarfrost
26. An awareness of upcoming Sweet Short February
27. Hoodies (bunny-hugs, kangaroo jackets)
28. People who clear and sand the roads
29. To heck with shaving
30. Mettle (noun): a Canadian’s ability to cope well with difficulties or to face any demanding situation in a spirited and resilient way. Synonyms: fortitude, strength of character, moral fiber, determination, backbone, grit, courage, fearlessness, daring, disposition, nature, temperament, personality, guts, spunk, balls. [See Alberta man who punched a cougar at Tim Horton’s in Whitecourt, nuff said, drops mic.]

Vuja-de

I think most people have experienced deja-vu. Defined as “the illusion of remembering scenes and events when experienced for the first time only,” deja-vu happens randomly without explanation. An odd sensation, it may feel confusing and difficult to describe or defend. And in my experience, it’s fleeting and quickly forgotten. It’s sort of a throwaway experience.

Consider instead vuja-de. There’s nothing throwaway about it and that’s why I love it.

Vuja-de is deja-vu reversed. In other words, it’s knowing the experience has happened many times before and yet it’s seeing that experience in new ways as if it were the “first time” with newly wide-open fresh eyes. Think about that. Think about how it would add value to every single day.

Perhaps it seems that there are few novel experiences in day-to-day life. Most days could quite possibly be described as repetitive and inconsequential. How many days are particularly noteworthy? Vuja-de dispels wearisomeness because it embraces the notion that each day is potential, each day is opportunity, each day is imaginable. Vuja-de is about choosing the better perspective.

Recently, I had the privilege to listen to a holocaust survivor, Dr. Eva Olsson. Her life-experiences are raw and disturbing, yet enlightening and inspiring too. Her message is simple, (yet an enormous task): she aims to banish hate. I’m thankful for her words and even more thankful many young people heard her truth because there’s precious little time left to learn first-person from veterans and survivors. One particular story stood out and it wasn’t one of hers. Instead it was about her. The teacher who introduced her to the crowd described the two of them walking out into the sunshine earlier that day when Dr. Eva, 92-year-old holocaust survivor, stopped and stated, “Oh this sunshine is so beautiful.”

Of course it is. And given her harrowing experiences, of course she would know how precious it is. Yet how many times do we walk into the light each day and notice nothing remarkable about it? That’s why I believe we all need a little vuja-de.

#1 Rule?

Recently, I thoroughly enjoyed a man's speech about mental health issues. He described his struggles and his successes and how they shaped him. He made me laugh and cry. One particular moment I recall during his speech is when he said, “The #1 rule in my household is talk.” He said, “No matter what, we talk about it.”

This struck me. What is the #1 rule in my household? What’s yours?

No matter the size and shape of any family, there are rules established to maintain its function. And yet, how many of us have articulated those rules? Oh sure, rules like make your bed, don’t leave the lights on, and clean up after yourself get lots of airplay in many homes. There’s nothing wrong with these rules but now they seem like missed opportunities to me. Let’s be honest, they’re not that important. 

When I contemplate this now, I realize I’d like a do-over. Instead of those consistently verbalized rules structured around chores, I’m wishing I had stressed the more valuable household rules I believe:

1.       I get 25% of all Halloween candy. (Okay, maybe not this one.)

2.       You can be yourself here.

3.       There will be no bullying here.

4.       We can talk about anything.

5.       No shame.

I regret not consistently articulating these rules more than the menial rules. Because, like that speaker said, when it comes to mental health issues, it’s shame and fear that prevents people from sharing their pain and seeking help. They don’t want to upset their families. They suffer alone. They’re afraid to talk. That’s stigma, and stigma can kill someone you love. Dear friends: it’s not too late to make better rules in your household. 

Why the fuss Canadians?

source

When asked why he chose equal numbers of men and women to form his cabinet, PM Justin Trudeau said, “Because it’s 2015.”

Boom. Pretty much the equivalent of dropping the mic.

Not all Canadians appreciate this. But I can’t fathom why. If it’s because of sexism, whether willful or through pure ignorance, that’s total bunk. Anyone who has a mother should be ashamed of themselves for that sort of patriarchal nonsense. Personally, I think this decision is a moot point. It doesn’t matter where anyone is on the political spectrum, there is no point debating this. Any debate speaks to bias and sexism because any Canadian citizen age 18 or over, male or female, of a particular race or religion, immigrant or indigenous, ALL PERSONS, have the right to run for elected office. Ever hear of the “Famous Five”? Or the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms? Since 1960. (Go ahead and google it; the history of this is dreadful.) So 55 years later, why is this even a thing?

For those who contend that he chose gender over qualifications or experience like some political publicity stunt, I doubt that, because puh-lease, do people really think there aren't 15 women capable of these leadership roles? Even if some lack experience, it doesn’t mean he chose the wrong people. For eons we’ve had qualified/unqualified, experienced/inexperienced, predominantly male politicians who’ve misrepresented their constituents and our country in numerous and appalling ways. See the Senate for several recent examples. And no, of course, not all are corrupted by power, but definitely a few too many. Anyone, regardless of gender can be nominated, be elected, and be really shitty at their jobs. We Canadians have that right too.

Justin Trudeau could also have answered that question this way: “Because it’s my choice.” It was and it is because Canadians elected him. That’s democracy and despite its misgivings, when I look around the world, I don’t see government better than democracy. So considering it’s November, let’s pause for a moment of silence and reflect on why we have a democracy. And let’s remember how fortunate we are to live where we live. 

Canada Day?

Posing with a tourist not long before he was
killed here in Ottawa last October.

Canada day this year? In my opinion, there are only two words: Nathan Cirillo. He was 24 years old and literally, Nathan stood on guard for thee. 

The most? The best?

source

A 17-year-old won the Nobel Peace Prize.

I'm still thinking about that. 

Anyone discouraged by the today’s youth, think about that. Any discouraged youth, think about what you can actually accomplish.

And why did Malala Yousafzai win the Nobel Peace Prize?

1.      Was it because she is a girl?

2.      Was it because she is Pakistani?

3. Was it because her father encouraged her to go to school despite the danger, especially for girls?

4. Was it because she publicly criticized the Taliban for trying to prevent girls from attending school?

5. Was it because a Taliban gunman barged onto her bus one day and threatened to shoot everyone unless she identified herself?

6. Was it because she said I am Malala and was then shot in the head?

7. Was it because she recovered and explained to the world that what extremists fear most seems to be one girl with a book?

8. Was it because she had no desire for revenge, nor is she against anyone; instead she simply wants all children to have access to education including the sons and daughters of the Taliban and all terrorists and extremists?

9. Was it because leaders and organizations all over the world were inspired to support her cause?

10. Or was it because she says, “one child, one teacher, one pen, and one book can change the world”?

Boiled down, the criteria for the Nobel Peace Prize is simple: the prize goes to “whoever has done the most or the best work” to uphold and promote peace. Yet it's so incredibly vague to say, "do your best." Best must be defined. Enter Malala. Her most? Her best? It was her attitude. It sparked, it inspired, it elevated. 

Friends: it’s our attitude. That’s it right there. Define it and it will make the most and the best difference to everyone and everything, even yourself. 

Things one should never outgrow:

What is your nom de guerre?
#snowballsy

Things that deserve the stink-eye:

Not exactly bubblegum.
Image from here.

I remembered. It has to do with my son.

When my son was a toddler the grown ups were drinking discoursing in the other room when suddenly we heard him scream. Not the regular I'm-a-superhero-wannabe scream or even the I-rarely-ever-play-with-that-anymore-but-hey-neighbour-kid-now-that-you're-enjoying-it-I-want-to-play-with-it-again-because-IT'S-MINE scream. This was the real thing.

We ran down the hall to his room and discovered him with a mouth full of blood. Oh great, I thought, he knocked out a tooth. (We had already been through this with his older sister.) So we asked him to show us his teeth. He stopped bawling and complied. All teeth were accounted for. Hmm. My wife gently felt around his mouth but nothing seemed to be bleeding on the outside. All his teeth were intact and his lips weren't bleeding so where was all the blood coming from? And then my wife asked him to stick out his tongue.

Whoa.

I don't remember much after that except thinking HOSPITAL NOW HOSPITAL NOW. The image is, however, microwaved into my brain. It was like someone had unzipped his tongue and thus he had two mini-tongues, or one tongue split down the middle.

Cut to the doctor. He did not recommend stitches. He said it would heal on it's own. You're shitting me, I thought, He's ruined. What future could he possibly have now? Reality TV?

But it did. It healed. Overnight.

Whoa again.

He has a scar now. (A little Harry Potter-like but without the British accent.) No long-term damage.

But it still disturbs me. I've always felt that most tongues I've seen, in fact all tongues, are generally disturbing. Because let's face it, tongues are odd. By odd I mean ugly. Seriously ugly. Like raw meat ugly. Musician John Mayer may have crafted a memorable song with his mention of her "bubble gum tongue," but in reality, no one, NO ONE wants to look at your tongue. Okay, maybe the doctor. But likely not her either.

Now this brings me to the most disturbing thing about my aversion to tongues. As some grinputters noted in this post, DO NOT GOOGLE TONGUE INFORMATION. DO NOT. Especially this.

Canadian Superhero

     Yup. Just call me Mike Holmes, a.k.a. the archetype for general contractors and pretty much a Canadian superhero. I fixed the hole in my roof today and it only took seven hours. (Nod to the wife and son.) And it was even Friday the 13th! And I think I actually did a good job. Seriously. If you knew me, you'd swear someone hijacked my blog, someone with skills. As I always say when it comes to any handy-man task, "I can draw it, design it, and describe it; I just can't do it." But this time, I did it!
     Well, I think I did. It hasn't rained yet.

Spontaneous Superhero Powers? It happens...

When I was kid, I loved how a spider-bite transformed Peter Parker from a shy, sort-of nondescript fellow into a muscle-y, crime-fighting hero named Spiderman, both fretful yet firm. So when my superhero powers kicked in the other day, I immediately thought of Spidey. Let me explain.

I’m not really an old guy. However, at the dentist recently, while lying flat on my back with my jaw spread wide from thither to Yellowknife, I suddenly felt ancient. It’s my dentist’s fault. He’s basically like seventeen. He and his nine-year-old hygienist discussed snowboarding and the latest reality show while I clutched the arms-rests of the dental/electric chair not unlike the way I will most certainly clutch my walker someday. Anyway, I longed for some of Spidey’s nifty ability to experience accelerated healing which is probably not an unusual feeling for most people while at the dentist. And indeed that little wish actually came true a few days later. Let’s just say though that my spider-senses aren’t calibrated too well.

On weekends I wear my glasses but I hate cleaning them. One particular weekend, I cleaned them excessively. Confused while trying to enjoy TV, I couldn’t determine why they seemed so persistently dirty. Something nagged at me and like Spidey I fretted and thought, has my vision deteriorated? Do I need a stronger prescription?

So when I woke that weekend Sunday morning and continued to wrangle with my eyes and my glasses, I decided to face my old-guy fears and test my vision. And then it happened.

I could see. Without my glasses, I could see perfectly!

BUT HOW?! I rushed about the house testing my new miracle-enhanced vision. Near and far, without my glasses, my vision was incredible. Sharp. True.

Whoa. I concluded quickly that Spidey probably experienced this vision rejuvenation shortly after the spider-bite. And then I thought, what else has transformed?!! Had my gray hair disappeared? Had my spare tire morphed into muscle? I had to take a look at myself in the bathroom mirror.

And then I noticed my contact lens case. Empty.

Disappointed, I removed my contacts, the ones I had obviously been wearing for about fifty hours, the very same ones not recommended to be worn more than eight hours daily. My vision immediately returned to normal, i.e. crappy.

Remember that quote from the Spiderman story? “With great power comes great responsibility.” Well, I guess with great stupidity comes even greater stupidity. Who knew that when my superhero powers kicked in they would kick me in the head?

I don’t think I like Spiderman anymore.

I'm a DIY superhero don't-you-know....

How to install a toilet, thinking man-style…

1. Tell contractor, “Oh yeah. No problem. I’ll probably put the toilet in myself.”
2. Ponder for three days whether or not I can actually do this without flooding the basement.
3. Mentally calculate how embarrassing it will be if I flood the basement. Weigh embarrassment versus costs to pay for flooded basement.
4. Visualize the facial expressions on my wife, my son, my daughter, my in-laws, my co-workers, the plumber, my neighbours, the bully from fifth grade, if I actually flood the basement.
5. Google it.
6. Get distracted.
7. Spend an hour on the internet researching something else such as revenge-fantasy movie directed by Quentin Tarantino.
8. Wait two days.
9. Google it again. Watch two videos.
10. Finally open the box with the new toilet in it.
11. Read the directions.
12. Get distracted by the oddity that new toilets do not come with toilet seats.
13. Spend two hours online researching the perfect toilet seat.
14. Google pictures of a toilet wax ring and shake my head and grimace a lot.
15. Go to store to buy a toilet wax ring and discover there are several kinds (with a flange, without a flange, one inch, two inch). Buy all of them.
16. Watch the toilet-installation video yet again.
17. Read the instructions more carefully and notice odd contradiction between the internet video and the instructions.
18. Fret.
19. Insert Ipod earphones. Listen to bagpipes music. Feel my Scottish strongman blood pumping. Smile. Square my shoulders for a showdown with my new toilet.
20. Begin installation at 10:00 p.m.
21. Complete installation by about 11:00 p.m.
22. Flex muscles in bathroom mirror and whisper, “Oh yeah. I am D.I.Y. superhero.”
23. Run around the house and invite everyone to come and flush the new toilet.
24. Pee in my new toilet. (Mark territory.)
25. Pray before bed that the basement is not flooded in the morning.