I'm a DIY superhero don't-you-know....

How to install a toilet, thinking man-style…

1. Tell contractor, “Oh yeah. No problem. I’ll probably put the toilet in myself.”
2. Ponder for three days whether or not I can actually do this without flooding the basement.
3. Mentally calculate how embarrassing it will be if I flood the basement. Weigh embarrassment versus costs to pay for flooded basement.
4. Visualize the facial expressions on my wife, my son, my daughter, my in-laws, my co-workers, the plumber, my neighbours, the bully from fifth grade, if I actually flood the basement.
5. Google it.
6. Get distracted.
7. Spend an hour on the internet researching something else such as revenge-fantasy movie directed by Quentin Tarantino.
8. Wait two days.
9. Google it again. Watch two videos.
10. Finally open the box with the new toilet in it.
11. Read the directions.
12. Get distracted by the oddity that new toilets do not come with toilet seats.
13. Spend two hours online researching the perfect toilet seat.
14. Google pictures of a toilet wax ring and shake my head and grimace a lot.
15. Go to store to buy a toilet wax ring and discover there are several kinds (with a flange, without a flange, one inch, two inch). Buy all of them.
16. Watch the toilet-installation video yet again.
17. Read the instructions more carefully and notice odd contradiction between the internet video and the instructions.
18. Fret.
19. Insert Ipod earphones. Listen to bagpipes music. Feel my Scottish strongman blood pumping. Smile. Square my shoulders for a showdown with my new toilet.
20. Begin installation at 10:00 p.m.
21. Complete installation by about 11:00 p.m.
22. Flex muscles in bathroom mirror and whisper, “Oh yeah. I am D.I.Y. superhero.”
23. Run around the house and invite everyone to come and flush the new toilet.
24. Pee in my new toilet. (Mark territory.)
25. Pray before bed that the basement is not flooded in the morning.