Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Sometimes

This is me in a state of confusion aka 24/7.
Sometimes I drink V8 juice and feel this intense urge to hit myself in the head even though this makes no sense.

Sometimes I am overwhelmed with complete self-loathing.

Sometimes I wonder if all that Tang and Kool-Aid I drank as a kid altered my body chemistry.

Sometimes I don't go outside for the entire day and it makes me feel guilty.

Sometimes I wish I had become a hydrogeologist which seems so strange to me considering it's so on the other side of the spectrum compared to everything else I really want to be when I grow up: author, artist, photographer, cinematographer, editor, reading specialist, screenwriter, Lorne Michael's assistant, television producer, musician, carpenter, set designer, Scottish strongman, museum curator, speechwriter, google employee, book cover designer, ted.com employee, etc.

Sometimes I get freaked out by call display like just yesterday this phone number came up: 123-456-7890. Seriously. And it made me wonder if I was in some sort of low-budget version of The Ring and my "number is up."

Sometimes I get nervous just thinking about crowds yet I really want to be part of a flash-mob.

Sometimes I hate Roger Ebert for tweeting too much but then he'll write something that blows my mind.

Sometimes I feel old but not old enough to drink coffee.

Sometimes I am more invested in the characters I read about in books than I am with the real people in my life.

Sometimes I wonder if I had given my kids different names if they would be different people, not better people, just different.

Sometimes I stop and pick up rocks and put them in my pockets because they're beautiful.

Sometimes I want to redo everything I just did and yet if I truly were a hopeless perfectionist wouldn't I care more about my pants or keeping my vehicle clean or not chewing my nails.

Sometimes, all I want to do is write all day long.

Sometimes I wish that a psychologist would read my blog and tell me exactly what is wrong with me.

30 comments:

Oilfield Trash said...

I wouldn't worry about the cool aid, but I would worry about the Tang.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

I want to be part of a flash mob too. Okay, now we have two.

Title Loans said...

I'm pretty sure everyone goes through the same notions as you do. Only, when I was growing up, I didn't drink Tang; I drank Capri-Sun. Although, who needs a psychologist? They probably have worse thoughts themselves.

Nicki said...

One of the biggest problems I've experienced as a freelancer is the work-at-home thing. I love working at home. I don't have to deal with people. I write my own schedule. But I never go outside, and it drives. me. crazy. (unless it's nice enough to work on the balcony, but then the complex folks are always hammering and leafblowing and watering the pavement and whatever else they do in a day). So I completely sympathize with the going-outside-guilt complex.

I think you should totally go for the Scottish strongman thing. With kilts. Would totally solve the pants thing.

I totally want to be part of a flash mob.

And there's nothing wrong with you.

Fran said...

How old do you have to be to drink coffee? Did I start too young? Oops.

SherilinR said...

i like that you put pretty rocks in your pocket. what do you do with them when you get home? do you have a rock collection?

Vinny C said...

- Makes perfect sense.
- Watch Jersey Shore & it'll pass.
- Yes.
- Outside's overrated.
- Interesting...
- Now I'm freaked out.
- Never liked crowds myself.
- Ebert tweets?!
- Mmmm... Coffee... Wait, what?
- Me too.
- They might.
- Heeey! Me too!
-I come back later with a better answer to this one.
- If only I could.
- You & me both.

Antares Cryptos said...

Sometimes I wonder why some of the most intelligent, creative, interesting people I know, wonder what's wrong with them, when everything is right with them.

Except for the coffee, I don't get that.

Niki said...

I finally got you!!!! :) Your profile doesnt link to your blog, so I have been waiting for you to comment so I could follow back. Yay!

Charmaine Clancy said...

Psychologists findings? You're a writer.

Enjoyed your post :)
Wagging Tales - Blog for Writers

Didactic Pirate said...

Sometimes I wish I was you.
Sometimes I wish I wish I was Lorne Michaels.
Sometimes I wish you, me, and Lorne Michaels could start our own flash mob.

I liked this post. Sometimes, I wish I'd written it.

Laoch of Chicago said...

I am not sure that it is a good idea to know what is exactly wrong with each of us.

Mrs4444 said...

You are brilliant. I want to link this up on Saturday. If I forget, please remind me! Must go to bed now..... :)

Chelle said...

What is WRONG with you? Not a lot that I can think of... I don't know. What's wrong with any of us?

Concentrate on what's right with you, because you make a difference in lots and lots of lives, offering new perspectives and new light. You have a gift and I'll appreciate it forever. You shared it with me and many people I know, making writing and art tangible and not dumb in a place where it is not exactly the highest priority for people. You don't even realize.

You're a good person and my friend. Kool aid is good for your soul. Scotch is better.

PS, Speaking of scotch... when we go back to said placey place for the summer this year, want to have a card night or something? You and Neil can bond over scotch and sporrans or whatever scottish shit you highlanders bond over.

Chelle said...

PS. You totally made that face at guitar camp.

Alistair said...

Sometimes dbs - you just over think things.

And - if sometimes you are a bit crazy {over here we would say 'mental'/'a nutter' or 'cracked'} - then remember.....

'It's the cracks that let the light in' - to quote a common favourite.

lol

Nicole said...

Yay! Your face. Now I will actually go read.

Nicole said...

Nothing is wrong with you. I hope. Because if that's the case the rest of us commenting here aren't doing so well, either.

I am a home body, ditto the not going outside and feeling guilty.

Ditto the characters in books. If the book is good enough I actually spend the time I'm not reading think, "I wonder what Frodo is up to." It's not always Frodo, that's just the first memory I have of characters coming to life.

I dance and sing publicly and I want people to see me, feel a bit embarrassed for me if they must, but mostly I hope they are jealous that I'm having such a good time in the waiting room/produce aisle/DMV.

Love your mug and your writing. Bluggles. I just made that wordfuse up for you. Blog+huggles, obviously.

karensomethingorother said...

sometimes you post the same damn things that are in my head and heart.

dbs said...

@OT Ha!
@DSWS Anyone else?
@TL Thanks for your kindness.
@Nicki Thank you so much. I will have a kilt someday and I'll fling something while wearing it and I'll be outside. This will help.
@Fran I know. It's weird eh? I had this notion when I was little that coffee was only for adults, plus I hated the taste of it; then someone explained I would love it when I was older but I tried it again (a few times) and I couldn't acquire a taste so it just never happened.
@Sherilin Thanks. Most of my front yard is rocks. Uh, a big chunk of my backyard too.
@VinnyC Thank you bro! Jersey Shore therapy is very good advice.
@AC Ha! You are quite the combination of wisdom and kindness and humour. Thank you so much.
@Niki Yay back at ya.
@Charmaine That is a compliment. Thank you.
@DP Sometimes I wish there were more people in the world like you.
@LoC Always the divergent thinker! Nice work.
@Mrs4444 Thank you.
@Chelle Thank you doesn't seem like enough but thank you. And yes, let's all drink some scotch this summer.
@Alistair Yes. I. do. I forget that sometimes. Thank you for the perspective & the Leonard Cohen reminder.
@Nicole You are too kind. And you're right. We blog-peeps are all in this together. Bluggles back at you.
@karen That comment means a lot. Thank you.

paulsifer42 said...

I feel you on a number of levels. I really don't think that the Canadian/American lifestyle is making us happy overall. I seldom go outside, I'm sometimes scared of things that I think of for books, I'm also very invested both in characters in books aswell as those in movies. I'm studying to be a Psychologist and I've gone to one. What I've learned is that we're all messed up, but the Psychological field doesn't have the stones to step away from the medical model and help us find the happiness that existed in a simpler time. Run faster, do more, make more money, buy a new car, a new house, a new wife, and here's a pill that will make you not feel empty for all you have. Man, I'm a downer today. Life is good man. :)

wendy said...

Whew, my head is spinning . That's a lot of stuff.
You have a lot of plans of "things to be", when you Grow Up.
and do you Reeeally want a pshycologist to "figure you out".
I don't
I'm afraid I'd be committed.
Somtimes, I want to be committed.

Dad Who Writes said...

I think "all of the above" about covers it, man. Nice one.

Alittlesprite said...

Nice pic!
You. don't. drink. coffee??

I was going to agree with Ant and say nothing is wrong with you, but now I'm not so sure, with the whole not drinking coffee thing...

:)

dbs said...

@paul Thanks for your honest insight.
@wendy Your last two comments: that's exactly it.
@DWW Thank you.
@alittlesprite No coffee. Weird eh?

Michael said...

I think you are at least two standard deviations above the EQ mean.

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

dbs said...

Wow. Thank you for pointing me toward one of my favourite places for insight and inspiration: ted.com. I will try to have the courage to be imperfect and not numb my vulnerability. But it's hard. Again, thank you. How did you get so wise?

Mrs4444 said...

So glad you linked this up! I was trying really hard last night to remember which male blogger's post that I had wanted to link up, but it escaped me. Thanks for having my back :)

Emily said...

Wonderful and honest post. I love the way you think. Does that make me crazy?

Molly said...

I'm with you on the going outside thing. I think my guilt links to having a European mother who always made sure we appreciated being able to go outside all the time here down South.
And hey, you're cute ;)

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