Friday, April 8, 2011

Wearing the Pants?

Need new pants?
Or a Halloween costume?
Image from here
My wife is up to her tricks again....

I have this thing about buying new pants. Here’s the problem: I don’t want to.

So I wear my old pants for as long as possible. Two reasons:
1. If I avoid buying new pants for a year sure they may have frayed bottoms and be threadbare here and there but I bet I was able to make an extra mortgage payment or at least pay for my teens’ clothes because let’s face it: clothes labelled TEEN are marked up 50% plus those walking growth-hormones growth-hormone-out-of-them in about fifteen minutes.
2. I’m bigger than my pants. Er, what I mean by that is that I feel that pants are not really that important in the scheme of things. Let me explain.

Of course, sadly, everyone must wear pants: nine months of Canadian winter necessitate pants. But NEW pants? Seriously, what for? No one in the entire world really cares about my pants. Am I right? (Uh oh. I just realized that I made this entire post seem irrelevant and pointless. Oh well. What else is new?) Let’s be honest. I could not tell you one iota of information about any guy I know in terms of his pants. Who notices that stuff? Actually I would notice if they were pink. Or purple. Or orange. These fashion accidents have indeed happened in the past. But you don’t see anyone in those old photos staring and pointing at some other guy’s pants just because they were bright orange. It may be laughable now but back then, no one cared. This further proves my point. Anyway….

I admit that I do notice women’s pants. And sure they look good but you know what? I feel sorry for women. Who is making their pants?! They almost always seem one size too small. And someone cut the tops off them. To compensate (and to avoid plumber’s crack) woman are now forced to wear very long shirts. Ladies: this is what happens when you care too much about pants. Manufacturers start plotting. They start thinking fancy. And you get fancy pants aka messed-up pants. Poor poor women.

This brings me to my wife. Unprompted, she ordered some new pants. For me. I tried them on and they fit. But then I looked at the price. Nixed. I asked her to return them.

But then what happened? SHE BROKE HER MARRIAGE VOWS and did not return those pants. Apparently, she washed them a few times, placed them in my closet and I have been wearing them for months. *duped face*

Do all wives do this?! And does this mean I wear the pants I didn’t know I had in this relationship?


Al Penwasser said...

Hey, that outfit will look great with the shoes from your last post!

Chelle said...

Neil is no longer allowed to choose his own pants. There was a short struggle, but you know who won.

He gets to keep the kilt, though.

Maybe you should get a couple of kilts. (disclaimer: Please don't kill me, T).

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Wives do what they have to do so their husbands don't walk around looking like hobos. I know. The truth hurts, doesn't it?

Cheeseboy said...

I once did an entire post on having to sit through watching my wife buy pants. She went in with 50 pairs and came out with exactly zero. So while I hate buying pants for me, my wife has it much, much worse.

And this was the best line of your post:

"Of course, sadly, everyone must wear pants."

Al Penwasser said...

Plus the following goes without saying....
"Most everybody SHOULD wear pants."
Especially Grampa.

Nicole Leigh Shaw said...

The last bit, so true. You are the one in that relationship wearing the pants you didn't know you had. Just like your wife wants it.

SherilinR said...

my husband allows me NO say-so in what he puts on his body. and to make me feel better, i tell myself that if he looks bad, it's on him, not me, right?
and i'm with al, that outfit would be perfect with those non-fitting shoes of yours. ooo-la-la!

wendy said...

you always make me giggle.
BROKE THE MARRIAGE VOWS...I didn't know there was a "pants" clause. I better go back and read the fine print in ours.
I hate buying cloths lately too. How do you get something appropriately sexy for a woman my age. phsst.
I ain't showing my crack to no one. Even boob cleavage is a little iffy these days.
But back to the pants...take your wife out to dinner. She is just doing what ANY good wife would do....helping her man wear the pants.

Lorraine said...

I hate wearing and buying pants. Poor women and their pants of sucky suck, but thank baby Jesus that he gave us ladies dresses so that we could bypass all that hassle. Amen.


Antares Cryptos said...

Oh, yeah. It's all fun and games until someone takes your pants away.

Alittlesprite said...

If I left Hubby to his own devices he would go out looking like a tragic 80's HOBO!
New pants and jeans were bought straight away.
And scary shirts and ties were secretly put into the charity bin. I play on his shocking memory often.
*evil grin*

Stuck In A Window said...

You should pull the same trick on your wife... except with sexy lingerie. That'll learn her...

Contrary Guy said...

Similar thing going on here. I very rarely buy jeans because for some reason, I just can't bring myself to pay for them. Right about when I really need a new pair, one magically appears courtesy of my wife. And they look and feel good! There really is nothing else she buys for me. Just jeans.

I am a bit picky about dress slacks as I like them and wear them to work and do purchase them.

Just can't get excited about jeans for some reason.

Matty said...

Everyone knows who runs the show in any house. Whether it's decisions, money, or the house, the person in charge is the person who wears the pants. That would be your wife.

DB Stewart said...

@Al Uh but that's not...okay thanks.
@Chelle I NEED A KILT.
@DSWS Yup.
@Cheeseboy Pants are indeed over-rated.
@Al Yes. Grandpa. Should.
@Nicole Yeah I know.
@Sherilin Ooo la no.
@Wendy Good advice as always.
@Lor This is why I need a kilt (with an elastic waistband).
@AC Wasn't that a Beachboys song?
@alittlesprite 80s hobo. Actually it sounds quite comfortable (minus the shoulder pads).
@SIAW Very smart.
@CC My wife likes to shop too. Things appear.
@Matty Thanks Matty. Tis mostly true.

Laoch of Chicago said...

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose.

DB Stewart said...

Kris Kristofferson said it very well, didn't he?

michael.offworld said...

There's a lot of bait in this post. You should write letters to the editor.

I love pants and shoes. If money was no object, I could fill one of those walk-in closets (that I don't have). Unfortunately, money is an object. I wear jeans. Good old jeans. The uniform of the masses.

karensomethingorother said...

oh, I almost never buy The Man pants. My brain can't seem to hold any kind of numbers in there--dates, pants size...anything numerical.

Anonymous said...

It does not mean you wear the pants-new or otherwise. Sorry DBS. But deep inside, I think you know that. On the other hand, not many men who don't wear the pants have the courage to blog about it, so maybe you are wearing pants of of a different fiber....or maybe a kilt?

Disclaimer: Please don't kill me either.

Nicki said...

I hate pants. I want to launch some sort of drastic protest with lots of people chanting "DOWN WITH PANTS!" and waving horribly misspelled protest signs.

So I wear skirts. And my life is perfect...until a windy day comes along. Then skirts are a bitch.

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