Saturday, April 30, 2011

Battle Preparations

Scottish warrior William Wallace.
Yeah. So. I phoned the phone company.

I had one message: LOWER MY DAMN BILL. I mean, come on phone companies: stop plundering!

Before I called I did some stretches. Paced a bit. Cracked an ice tray into a very large mug. Added scotch water. A little lemon. Did some cleansing breaths. Prepared to be on hold for 53 minutes. Yawned to open my ears so I'd be better able to decipher the foreign accent. (Hey. Don't judge me. I hate racism. It's called outsourcing.) Painted three-quarters of my face blue. Hunkered down, prepared for battle. Dialed. *cue James Horner film score*

Pressed 1. Pressed 5. Pressed 2. Hold. One minute passes. (One minute?!) "Hi this is Sarah, how may I help you?" (Perfect language skills?!)

(in Scottish accent) You tell your king that William Wallace will not be ruled, nor will any Scot YOU BASTARDS!!! "Hi Sarah. I've been a customer for many years. We no longer use our land-line phone the way we once did. I'm wondering what you could offer me that would lower my bill."

"Certainly sir. Let me see...(less than five minutes later) your new package should cut your bill by almost 30% and by upgrading your internet package at no extra charge your browsing speed should improve. Is there anything else I can help you with?"

[insert sound effect here]

"Uh. No. Thanks so much."

Later, unable to process the entirely unexpected anticlimactic nature of this experience compounded by all the bottled-up energy for the war I did not have to fight, I was forced to punch myself in the eye repeatedly because I obviously should have phoned months ago. Frick.


Debra She Who Seeks said...

Well, at least you didn't behave like MEL GIBSON on the phone. William Wallace is a much better role model. And it turned out that you didn't need to be anything than your usual, polite, Canadian self anyway!

The Defiant Marshmallow said...

Please understand I'm laughing WITH you here:


I drink a toast of Laphroaig to you, in solidarity of self-flagellation.

Vinny C said...

Don't you just hate it when they do that? I mean, what's the world coming to when we actually get quick, prompt, professional service?! I remember when when I was used to get transferred no less than five times before finding out that the only one in the entire company who could help me wasn't in that day. Those were the days.

On a side note, my wife had to get her used ID reset the other day for her transfer & was routed to tech-support in India. And she works there.

Dr. Cynicism said...

LOL... next time, you'll have to immediately call your health insurance company. That's always a guaranteed way to use all that war preparation.

DB Stewart said...

@DSWS Yeah. Mel should never use the phone again. And yes. My Canadian self takes that as a compliment.
@TheDM Ha! "Self-flagellation" = hilarious. (Kinda.)
@VinnyC It is surprising. And so is your hilarious side note!
@DrC Ha! Mos def.

Oilfield Trash said...

A self punch to the face is a good way to wake up in the morning.

Or deal with customer service.

Munk said...

Sometimes getting phone "providers" to provide seems to be easier than paying them. I can remember my wife on the phone a month ago, "Why are you making this so hard? I just want to pay you."

DB Stewart said...

@OT Yes. Self-abuse helps.
@Munk Ha! Classic.

Christopher said...

Funny stuff! If I didn't need a land line to have dsl I would have cut the cord long ago I think.

karensomethingorother said...

SHOCKING!!! Clearly you weren't dealing with BELL CANADA.

wendy said...

Ha ha...I loved this. I love quoting lines from Braveheart. I am currently typing this with a Scottish accent.
Did you lift your kilt and "you know" the phone lady...oh yeah, didn't need to. She was nice.

I totally get the whole HATE HATE having to call anyone for help with services. Turns me into a ....well, blue faced, kilt wearing, sword swinging William(wendy)

Alistair said...

Rest easy my fellow woad painted warrior.

Timing is everything and Sarah only started last week. You judged it perfectly.

Now - where's the booze - you pour and I'll tell you about the time when I.......

Mrs. Tuna said...

Will you please have this same conversation with my gas station?

Antares Cryptos said...

Is this sarcasm? A fictional story?
A dream sequence? Just an excuse to wear a kilt?

Did she offer you *cake*? It's skynet. Ruuuun.

Alittlesprite said...

Not to mention all that smelly Woad on your face now to. EK!

Homemaker Man said...

"FRREEEEEEEDOOOOOOOOO--What? Oh, I can go? Oh. Sh*t. Ok. Wow. Ok."

Anonymous said...

Wow. I've been coming to this same conclusion about my land line. So what you're saying is that instead of throwing good money after bad, I should just call? After painting myself blue, listening to war music, drinking scotch and donning a kilt? Brilliant. I'm going to let BigB do it. He's descended from Irish mercenaries (meaning his ancestors started out Spanish but ended up Irish) so I'm guessing it will come naturally. I'm totally willing to support him by painting myself blue and drinking scotch though.

Teachinfourth said...

Luckily you didn't wait another few months to call...

You, my friend, are a hero.

Relish in that fact.

Nicole Leigh Shaw said...

If this is Canadian customer service---I'm moving.

DB Stewart said...

@Christopher So true.
@karen Those pillagers are next.
@wendy Swing your sword Wendy. You are strong!
@Alistair Whoa. That is likely exactly what happened! And I will drink scotch with you and listen to your stories anytime my Scottish brother!
@MrsTuna I would love to. *begins painting face again*
@AC Ha! It does seem like a dream now. *worried face wondering what next telephone bill will say*
@alittlesprite I have woad that smells like old spice. ;)
@HMan Exactly.
@TheCC Do it. Call. (Keep Scotch nearby).
@Teachinfourth Thank.
@Nicole This is not really typical service. But I'm all in favour of you moving here.

Mrs4444 said...

We got rid of our landline last month. So far, I don't miss the sales calls during dinner...

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