Friday, April 11, 2014

60 Second Speech

"If you had to make an impromptu 60 second speech to the entire world right now, what would you say?”

*taps on microphone*

I don’t have much time and now I’ve wasted it saying that. Rats. This is a tough task. I guess I would say that tough tasks are worthwhile. So is saying what you need to say. And that’s why, world, if any of you are truly going to listen to me, I will say it loud: STOP. Let me explain.

There’s this fun video game called Rollercoaster Tycoon. The goal is to build an amusement park complete with a variety of rides, food stalls, bathrooms, even flower beds, and so on. While constructing the park, little people visit and go on the rides. If the rides are too intense, they barf and leave the park. If the rides are not intense enough, they get annoyed or sad and leave the park. This is not an easy game. The entire process takes time, ingenuity, perseverance and especially maintenance. But when you reach the objective and win the game all those tiny little people STOP, turn, let go of their balloons, look directly up at you, and applaud.

It’s cool when that happens. I believe there are two important lessons in this game, this very human game:
1.      Make it good. Whatever you do, do it for others, and make it good.
2.      Also: STOP and appreciate the park.

*taps on microphone* 

Sorry world. With 60 seconds, this is it. Now this: if you had to make an impromptu 60 second speech to the entire world right now, what would you say?

Wednesday, April 9, 2014


Sometimes I'm sure that Spring is mine, only mine. Green is my colour. Rain is my preference. Soil is my canvas. Buds are my buds.

Spring colourizes dead grass while I stand there in my bare feet, sponges. Spring is potential. Details burgeoning. Energy personified. Water runs marathons down ditches. 

Slow down Spring. I know you can't but Summer is too hot, Winter too long. Autumn is second to my Spring but Autumn’s alluring colour is merely Spring’s closing credits. Spring establishes the story.

Spring was my father and brothers suddenly gone seeding for a month. Spring was my mother’s Iris spikes and Gladiola bulbs. Spring was my youth studying muddy water, wide sweeping Saskatchewan water sucked into culverts, an eddy twisting above the hole; I dropped a stick in there, ran across the road to the other side and I still want to know where it went. Now, Spring is April pussywillows on my daughter's birthday and the May green leaves on my son's birthday. I keep time with Spring so I won't waste it. 

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Just so you know, the answer is no.

Even with lots of time, could the monkeys at the typewriters ever type something Shakespearean?

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Things that deserve the stink-eye:

For your reference, those are bananas to the right. 
four and a half kilograms of KD aka literally about 10 lbs of poor choices.


Thursday, March 27, 2014

Watermelon Optional

Famous saying: “when one door closes, open the fridge.”

Oh I get it folks. I get it. It’s all about delayed gratification: one of the hallmarks of maturity, perseverance, and personal growth. And I admit it: I need some. But sometimes delayed gratification and its first cousin rational thinking get hip-checked in front of a bus when there are food-truck deep-fried fish and chips on the menu.

Why must food taste so darn delicious? Why should salt be unhealthy? Who exactly was the genius fat-guy who invented nachos just to simultaneously bring joy and ruin to my life? Why can’t one amazing thing, like chocolate for example, be completely without calories? Or better yet why doesn't a ten-minute strenuous session of sitting or shampooing one’s hair burn like 1000 calories? And what if sleeping for seven or eight hours burned enough calories that we humans could just start eating again the next day? 

Oops. That is what happens isn’t it?

Well then, why isn’t that enough? Like many, I’ve been asking myself that question my entire life and I still have very few answers. On the Internet apparently Abraham Lincoln clearly states that if I just simply act happy about eating an entire pail of ice cream then my body will better metabolize those calories and I will still lose weight so if this was good enough for Lincoln, who am I to argue with that?

All I DO know about my never-ending war/dance-off with food is this: stress is evil. And the only way I have learned to cope with stress is to eat an entire watermelon and go for a walk and have a good talk with myself where mostly I try to muster some gratitude about every grand and astounding thing about my life, my ONE and only life. And sometimes I don’t even eat the watermelon.

And that folks, is all the wisdom I have on this subject.
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