Saturday, June 4, 2011

Things that deserve the stink-eye:

Tricks of the trade, the idiot-genius trade.
DIY essentials: pink spackling (dries white),
a putty knife and a stapler?
If I haven't completely bored/whined you to death with my series of pitiful DIY projects of late and late and late and late and late, then read on....

I tweeted recently that my war with plumbing is over. I finally waved my toilet-hole-in-the-floor-coloured white flag and wept. Twice. The new dishwasher, the sequel, is finally installed but I wasn't even going to attempt today's project but some bastard on YouTube convinced me I could replace the exhaust fans in my bathrooms.

Think of the saddest movie scene you know. Is it when Jenny tells Forrest Gump what's wrong with her? Is it when the boy tells his mother the truth at that street accident traffic jam in The Six Sense perhaps? Or is it when Ron Burgundy's dog gets punted off the bridge in Anchorman? Oops. That's more hilarious than sad. Anyway, my point is...I just felt so so sad. Why?

I'm sure you don't want all the details but let's just say my saddest most defeated DIY moment yet occurred today when I stood below a hole in my bathroom ceiling while bits of insulation wafted down around me holding in my hand the wrong fan for the wrong hole for the second time and the biggest hole is in my head for even attempting another DIY PROJECT! WhY oh WHy OH wHY is THiS HapPEnINg TO mE?!!!

Cut to five hours later. Both bathroom exhaust fans are installed. I was left with just one problem (perhaps more if the house burns down tonight): I had to patch a hole in my main bathroom ceiling. Indeed I felt this was a minor problem as I have once before repaired drywall using a very clever method I saw on some show. Simply cut the drywall about two or three centimeters larger than needed. Score the back of the drywall to the right size and remove the drywall leaving the paper intact on one side. With that paper border, it's like putting on a band-aid. Then I remembered I've only used this on a wall, never on the ceiling.

Well. Gravity is a BASTARD.

It's supposed to stick to the drywall mud (see pink spackling in pic) but IT WOULDN'T STICK. (Cut to saddest scene again because let's face it; I'm so BLEEPIN TIRED!!!) I fought against the dark thoughts though and yelled to my teen daughter for help. I asked her to bring me some tape. I didn't work. And then suddenly, I reckoned there was one tool that might save this day from hell: the stapler. She fetched it and I stapled that STINKIN drywall to the ceiling.

And it worked.

There was a silent pause as we stared. Then we burst into laughter after my daughter said, and I quote, "That is the most redneck thing I've ever seen." I, however, prefer the term idiot-genius.

20 comments:

SherilinR said...

some rednecks come up with ingenious plans for dealing with shitty situations. you, my friend, had one of those positive redneck moments.

dbs said...

You, my friend, are right.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Sounds like you should submit the photographic evidence to http://thereifixedit.failblog.org

Alittlesprite said...

Your daughter is a genius.

Pink Spackle. Looks like pink frosting. nom nom nom...

Antares Cryptos said...

LOL. At least you didn't use duct tape.

@Sprite, not everything is edible.;)

Nubian said...

Would sado-masochist be an appropriate description of you? No more construction posts until we see a picture of the tool belt, jeans and crack.

Munk said...

Rednecks salt the earth.

Windsmoke. said...

Nothing like a bit of creative improvisation to finish the job :-).

Alistair said...

Man up Wimp!

It's DIY not DI CRY!!




Mwahahahaha........

Alittlesprite said...

Well then it shouldn't look so pink and yummy...
*pouts*

Mel said...

Well, you've got perserverence on your side. That, and a bunch of construction dust in your eyeballs. But mostly the ingenuity and perserverence.

The Gaelic Wife said...

Mr. Gaelic says some project will take an hour; I know from experience he'll be finished in three. With plenty of f***'s, sh*t's, GD's, MF's, and beer in the process. Sometimes the best way is the redneck way.

dbs said...

@DSWS Whoa. Perfect site for me!
@sprite I will tell her you said so. And my daughter said that too!
@AC However, duct tape is NOT over-rated.
@Nubian How about just the crack?
@Munk HA!
@Windsmoke So this is why I studied Improv in University?
@Alistair You would cry too.
@Mel Perseverance/Block-headedness.
@TheGW Those were the very words I edited out.

karensomethingorother said...

oh well. Happy Ending = who cares how you got there.

Al Penwasser said...

But, just think about the satisfaction that comes with knowing you completed a job well done and you....dang it. Sorry.

KeepingYouAwake said...

One day, when you find a new grass-is-greener dream home and go on about your way, some guy's gonna be working in the bathroom, find your stapling work and say something like "Well, now, what the sam hell?!?", because people totally say that, and he's going to decide that you were an idiot.

At that point, he'll fix it with duct tape. Everything is cyclical, right? This made sense in my head, but it's 7:30am...

dbs said...

@karen Good point.
@AP Ha!
@KeepingUAwake Ha! So true, so true.

Dr. Cynicism said...

I think we should be able to sue those damn YouTube and self-help sites that trick us into thinking we can do these projects on our own with "little to no expertise" and "in only a matter of 30 mins!"

Mrs4444 said...

Oh, man. Love the photo with the pink on the stapler. I wasn't aware of the thereifixedit fail blog--Off to check that out.

oh, and p.S. LOVED the "BASTARD" comment. Way too funny!

dbs said...

@Dr.C Agreed.
@Mrs.4444 Sometimes screaming "bastard" just helps.

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