Wordfuse (Fatigue Edition)

Yenning for some. Because we all wake up feeling like these some days.

Six-Minute Window

Avoid chugging this.

And another thing.

How is it possible to have a bad cold in the middle of summer? There should be some universal law against having a chest cold when it’s hot. Or sunny. Or camping. Or in a pool. Or when you’re on a holiday. Or in July. Or August. Or on the weekend. Or during the week. Or if you’re alive. Can’t Oprah do something? Or Tom Cruise? Somebody?

And another thing.

There’s no way one’s freezer should break down in the summer. Isn’t there some laws of physics this goes against? How can the most important time to keep something frozen be the time when “frozen” is a setting that is no longer available? Hey physicists: it’s not like we can put the ice cream outside like we usually can for eight months of the year. And oh the ice cream...we’re talking three boxes of ice-sandwiches and fudgsicles. That’s just wrong.

And another thing.

There’s no way a person should have to wake up early in the summer if he or she is not required to wake up early or chooses not to wake up early. And when one does wake early one should not have to count backwards thirty-eight times or meditate or basically weep in frustration to try to return to a restful sleep. A guy should just be able to snap his fingers and tah-dah: sleep. There should be an easy button for this sort of thing like say a snooze button behind our ears.

And another thing.

There should be like, let’s say something more-than-reasonable, like maybe a six-minute period each day when all human beings (not just Oprah and Tom Cruise) are granted three wishes. I’m not talking about wishes where you can wish for a million dollars or another million wishes. Pshaw. That’s just taking advantage. I’m talking about when you can wish your cold away or wish your constant coughing away or wish your freezer to work again and also wish back the ice cream you had to throw out (and since we’re on the topic let’s just wish away all calories in ice-cream forever) and maybe after that’s done just wish yourself back to sleep again so you don’t have to stare at the wall for an hour. Is this unreasonable? I don’t think so. I would highly doubt that this six minute window is capable of ruining the balance of the entire universe or anything.

And another thing....

G'night?

Do you ever think your dreams are just too freakin' weird?

Things I NEVER dream about (but likely will tonight since I mentioned them):
1. giant spiders.
2. giant turkeys. That would be scary.
3. Falling.
4. Being trapped in a fire.
5. Someone stepping out of the inky darkness with gardening shears.

Things I OFTEN dream about:
1. I forget to drive someone home and she is never seen again.
2. I'm watching a movie or reading a book, thinking, It's really quite remarkable that I do not know what's going to happen next considering the fact that this is my dream.
3. My teeth are falling out, randomly. I will find them in my soup.
4. Parking.
5. I'm blind, but only when I look at certain things.

Things I WANT to dream about:
1. Halle Berry (secretly Nigella Lawson).

Wordfuse (The Morning Edition)

An phrase intended to describe that inevitable moment when one can no longer ignore the alarm or the parents or the dog or the court order or the child or the cast and crew of Supernanny or the livid spouse attempting to forcibly drag one's sorry ass out of bed while one thrashes about in childish protest like a cat thrown in a bathtub.

$*#! It's time to get up and face the world. Put. On. A. Smile. Or else.

Things that are most likely the devil:

So tired.

     Why do so many people complain about sleeplessness? Depending on one’s life span, we sleep about one third of our lives away, possibly up to 25 years?! This just proves what I now believe: sleeping is overrated. What a waste of time! And so unproductive too. I’ve decided that this is the reason why I barely sleep anymore. Folks, I’m just trying to boost my efficiency.

     There’s plenty to do. So much to accomplish. Why not complete tasks until one or two in the morning? Why not get started at five o’clock in the morning? I do. I’ve hardly slept for the past three nights and this has enabled me to accomplish a variety of things:

1. I remember cooking a meal at 6:30 a.m.

2. There was a third thing but I can’t remember what it was.

     Here’s my hypothesis: we are hardwired to be up in the middle of the night. Babies instinctively know this. Babies recognize they can accomplish all their goals beginning right after midnight until whenever the hell they want. It’s genius.

     Oh, sure. Those wacky scientists claim sleep deprivation has negative effects:

1. nausea and headaches.

2. hallucinations.

3. tremors and rapid involuntary rhythmic eye movement.

4. irritability or more severe reactions such as temper tantrums.

5. obesity.

6. clumsiness and ability impairment.

7. slowed word recall and other memory lapses.

And wait for it....

8. yawning.

     Since I stopped sleeping I haven’t noticed any of these so called symptoms or side-effects. No tripping. No nausea. Headaches—who doesn’t have those every day anyway? No hallucinations. (Okay, one. But it turned out to be a garbage can in someone’s front yard. And it was dark.)  Tremors. None. Eye twitching? I prefer to call that eyelid exercise. No irritability. Okay sometimes. People need to just leave my root beer alone OKAY?  Obesity? No comment. Ability impairment? Well no tripping anyway. (Did I say that already?) And I rarely drive so this is not a problem and it is just a coincidence that I couldn’t insert the key in my doorknob yesterday. Slow word recall because memory lapse of the of the of the

     Where am I?

New Pillows

     My wife bought new pillows. They are HUGE. At first, typically, I assumed their sheer size would so distort my spine that in the morning I would wake to discover my junk directly under my chin. Sorry. Don't visualize that.
     Anyway, she's quite familiar with my overthinking-the-most-pointless-issues disability so she suggested that I just try them out for a few minutes. I shook my big old curmudgeon head  thinking, why does my wife do this? Look at these things: they're like princess and the frickin pea pillows... How much did these COST?!  I've explained before that I don't need new pillows because they're a luxury and how can I continue being a martyr if...? Does she have some sort of pillow obsession? Fluffy indulgences....
     And then I woke up 39 minutes later.
     I likey those new pillows. (Sigh.)
     Here's my point. Never, ever, would it have occurred to me to buy new pillows. After experiencing those new pillows, the same ones I initially deemed frivolous, I can't believe the condition of my old pillows. How did I sleep on those stale frozen pizza bread dough disks for so long?! I could snowshoe on those pieces of crap! I can't imagine what sort of a petri dish smorgasbord my old pillows probably are! I can't....
     I can't finish this. I want to say something about how perplexingly wonderful women are but my pillows are waiting for me. They're whispering. Ni'night.

300, 299, 298, 297....

     My friend Grant, a fellow CBC radio listener and fan, shared some very useful information with me about sleeplessness: forget adding sheep, cull them from the flock instead. More specifically, researchers have apparently determined that counting backwards from 300 will help insomnia sufferers. 

     At least I think this is what Grant said. (We were drinking margaritas.) He's a serious mathlete so he may have said counting backwards from 300 in threes. Before I could seek clarification though, the conversation veered another direction (a.k.a. more margaritas were consumed).

     So last night I had the uh, "fortunate opportunity" to test this theory. Unfortunately I wasted ten more sleepless minutes having a tense conversation with myself about whether to count backwards by threes or not. After determining I'm pretty much incapable of counting backwards by threes (and in lieu of punching myself in the head repeatedly), I began the simplified version: 300, 299, 298, 297, 264, 296....     

     It worked.

     The last number I recall was 219.

     Stop deleting sheep people. It's useless. Please share this valuable information with your peeps. And to all a good night.