|Image from here.|
One of my worst fears is that I will run over someone. I'm sure everyone has this fear but sometimes, while driving, I have these obsessive compulsive moments when my mind wanders and I literally shiver at the thought. And when I say shiver I mean it's more like a momentary seizure.
Besides the obvious reasons, I'm curious about why this is such a strong fear for me. Fear intrigues me. I once read a terrific essay by a grown man who was terrified, I mean completely horrified, by cats. He could not go near them. He would shake. Vomit. Black out. Then one summer he returned to his childhood home to visit family and an Aunt inquired if he remembered his pet cat. Flabbergasted, he could't believe he once owned a cat. She explained that the cat loved him and followed him around constantly. Incredulous, the bile rose in his throat. His Aunt then told him that, when he was about four, he returned from playing in the yard and skipped smiling onto her veranda with the cat in his arms. His ears ringing, he waited to hear what happened next. Then his Aunt revealed that the cat had obviously been dead long enough that it was in full rigor mortis. Disgusted, she screamed and tore it out of his arms and flung it as far as she could. He had no recollection of the incident but it explained everything about his fear.
Is fear less about the cause and more about the effect?
So what's my hidden backstory? I mean I know why I'm afraid of turkeys (who isn't?) but what's the deal with my excessive fear of running over something. Especially since I have plenty of experience with this already. Things I've run over:
-one garter snake (with the lawnmower; it was pure carnage)
-two dogs (worst experiences ever)
-one kitten (I apologize.)
-one water pipe with the lawnmower again (It killed the mower's motor but I sorta thought I got away with it until I restarted the mower and proceeded down the lawn but then noticed the mower spitting out parts of itself; it was like lawnmower cannibalism but even the lawnmower felt wrong about it.)
-other stuff I probably don't know about *shudders*
Despite these experiences, my fear probably has more to do with the time I was run over. Let's just say one of my brothers was operating a snowmobile "recklessly." Fortunately the snow was deep enough there was no physical damage.
However, I did pee my pants.
That's it isn't it? (Insert epiphany here.) My real fear is that I will pee my pants. Hmm. Could that really be it? I'm going to have to think about that for a while.
This reminds me of that saying, "I write because that's how I know who I am." So true.