It took me to my knees.
I had been stung before. I'm not allergic. But I felt that venom bullet through my body like that scene in 127 Hours when Aron Ralston finally cuts through the nerves in his forearm. Okay. A tad too much hyperbole there but imagine someone crushing a lit cigar into your elbow divot.
Whoa. And it hurt for days.
So when I noticed a hornets' nest the size of a soccer ball attached to the corner of our fence behind the storage shed in the backyard, I had to go lie down for a while.
And then I forgot about it, plus I went away for a week.
Well. A week later the hornets had built a condo.
All but one of my neighbours have little kids. I had to do something. But I had to do something and remain very very far away from hornet ground zero. Here's the conversation I had in my head:
Me: Could I shoot at it?
Me2: a. You don't know how to use a gun. b. You don't even have a gun.
Me: Would I be able to flick it with an extension cord?
Me2: You're an idiot.
Me: What if I somehow rigged up a garbage bag underneath it, raised the bag up and around it then simply cinched the bag closed?
Me2: What? You think you're Doc Ock?
Me: Maybe I'll just huck a badminton racket at it?
Me2 isn't so great for my ego. Nevertheless, as I'm sure it's completely obvious from the photo, I built a hornet sword. Yup. A hornet sword. (I bet you've never heard those two words used together before.)
Made from my son's home-made canoe paddle, some duct tape, and a long piece of plywood left over from some DIY failure, I constructed a hornet sword. There was only one more thing to do before the battle: don my Conan-the-Barbarian metal tunic. And then kick some hornet ass. For those who enjoy swashbuckling with hornets, here's the breakdown:
1. Carefully extend the 3 meter hornet sword between the shed and the fence. Aim it at those evil
2. Take several deep breaths.
3. Stab hornet's nest.
4. Poop pants.
5. Drop the hornet sword and jump through the purposely left-open door of the shed.
6. Attempt to close the shed door just like Lucius does in that movie The Village when Those-we-don't-speak-of were about to invade the fair Ivy's house (aka shut it quickly in slow motion for dramatic effect) but in reality slam it shut as you stage-whisper MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY.
7. Wait in creepy darkness for 2 minutes.
8. See visual below.
9. Close door again. Wait in complete darkness for another 2 minutes. Peek outside again.
I'm much calmer now. But I have a question: what do I do about the swarm of hornets rebuilding their condo in my backyard?