Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Live by the Sword....

Patent pending.
You know that spot in the crook of your arm just below your bicep? it still called your elbow on the front side? Anyway, excuse me for dazzling you with my extensive medical jargon but you know that little divot? It's that spot where the nurse rubs alcohol before she inserts the needle to extract blood. Well, needles don't bother me but years ago a hornet stung me right in that very spot.

It took me to my knees.

I had been stung before. I'm not allergic. But I felt that venom bullet through my body like that scene in 127 Hours when Aron Ralston finally cuts through the nerves in his forearm. Okay. A tad too much hyperbole there but imagine someone crushing a lit cigar into your elbow divot.

Whoa. And it hurt for days.

So when I noticed a hornets' nest the size of a soccer ball attached to the corner of our fence behind the storage shed in the backyard, I had to go lie down for a while.

And then I forgot about it, plus I went away for a week.

Well. A week later the hornets had built a condo.

All but one of my neighbours have little kids. I had to do something. But I had to do something and remain very very far away from hornet ground zero. Here's the conversation I had in my head:
Me: Could I shoot at it?
Me2: a. You don't know how to use a gun. b. You don't even have a gun.
Me: Would I be able to flick it with an extension cord?
Me2: You're an idiot.
Me: What if I somehow rigged up a garbage bag underneath it, raised the bag up and around it then simply cinched the bag closed?
Me2: What? You think you're Doc Ock?
Me: Maybe I'll just huck a badminton racket at it?
Me2: Dude.

Me2 isn't so great for my ego. Nevertheless, as I'm sure it's completely obvious from the photo, I built a hornet sword. Yup. A hornet sword. (I bet you've never heard those two words used together before.)

Made from my son's home-made canoe paddle, some duct tape, and a long piece of plywood left over from some DIY failure, I constructed a hornet sword. There was only one more thing to do before the battle: don my Conan-the-Barbarian metal tunic. And then kick some hornet ass. For those who enjoy swashbuckling with hornets, here's the breakdown:

1. Carefully extend the 3 meter hornet sword between the shed and the fence. Aim it at those evil bastards hornets.
2. Take several deep breaths.
3. Stab hornet's nest.
4. Poop pants.
5. Drop the hornet sword and jump through the purposely left-open door of the shed.
6. Attempt to close the shed door just like Lucius does in that movie The Village when Those-we-don't-speak-of were about to invade the fair Ivy's house (aka shut it quickly in slow motion for dramatic effect) but in reality slam it shut as you stage-whisper MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY.
7. Wait in creepy darkness for 2 minutes.
8. See visual below.

9. Close door again. Wait in complete darkness for another 2 minutes. Peek outside again.
10. Run screaming to the house.

I'm much calmer now. But I have a question: what do I do about the swarm of hornets rebuilding their condo in my backyard?


Vinny C said...

1. Hornet sword = Awesome!

2. Does smoke put them to sleep, or does that only work with bees?

3. There's a park close to where we live that Mrs. C & I run around sometimes. Saw some bees building their own condo in a tree along the jogging path a few weeks ago. We've never been back.

Oilfield Trash said...

Hmm they make a can of spray for the hornets.

Munk said...

Hilarious, really funny.
I had a battle with the bald faced bastards once.
I wore my complete snowboarding body prophylactic and sank their condo in an ice chest.

SherilinR said...

oh my gosh, i just spit on my screen when i read the line "poop pants". thanks for that.
my parents have bees who just love to make nests in various parts of their yard & my dad waits til after dark when all the bees go home so that he won't miss any of them. then he tip toes out to the nest & pours gasoline over it & runs screaming like a girl through the yard. works like a charm. good luck & keep us posted!

mylittlebecky said...

this is the best hornet related blog post to date! to date! also, we need a picture of you in your tunic. obviously.

Nicole Leigh Shaw said...

A hornet sword? That's an everything sword. Good for stabbing under-bed imaginary ghouls in a kid's room and for poking dead animals in the back yard if you aren't sure they're dead. I think you're the most genius person I know on the internet and probably in real life but I've never met Al Gore and he's made of IQ points I heard.

Chelle said...

7 kinds of awesome.

Al Penwasser said...

I can think of only one place that would hurt worse than being stung in the crook of my elbow. And that would be the tip of my...well, you get the idea.

Al Penwasser said...

By the way, I absolutely hate the wasps in my neighborhood. They never let me play on their golf course or swim in their pool.

Antares Cryptos said...

Trick question? Call the experts.

Or keep poking them with your stick.

Looking forward to the next installment of hilarity.

Windsmoke. said...

Call a pest exterminator and give the hornets nest a wide birth :-).

wendy said...

Oh MY GOSH, I was laughing OUT LOUD.
This was hysterical.
What a great visual you created. I can just see you huddled in the shed, quivering like a prisoner stood up in a fireing squad.
(glad you didn't poop your pants)

Aweseome sword. You are a true Albertan, they seem to be able to turn anything into a weapon.
Get a paton and market it.....Go on Dragons Den or something.

I can't imagine how that must have hurt getting stung there. I , for 3 days in a row, found an itty bitty beginnings of a hornet nest, trying to set up in MY green house. NOT IN THIS HOOD. I said.
but it was teeny, so I just "flicked" it off. Then they must have given up/surrendered if you will.

anyway, I think I'll go back now and read this again, so I can LAUGH OUT LOUD.
I guess you aren't quite Braveheart though.

Anonymous said...

The comments on this post are almost as funny as the post itself! I, myself, was grappling with the fact that you were using this teeny, tiny "sword" to poke the nest with because, when I first looked at the picture (and not knowing what it was), it appeared to be something akin to a big mushroom with a wooden needle sticking out of the top. The image of the tiny sword made the story even funnier in my mind!

Pickleope said...

Hilarious. I tried using a Paintball gun on one. Now I have a pretty polka-dot garage. Let thy aim be true.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

There's this goop in a spray can that you can spray from, like, 10 feet away. It leaves the can as liquid but it foams on contact or something and kills the wasps and seals the nest.

Nubian said...

I think you need to join DIY Anonymous... you secretly long for projects. Forget the hornets, you got your mojo on in creating that sword!

Alittlesprite said...

This brave fairy uses a cigarette lighter and a aerosol can.
Can you say, BBQ'd hornets?

Yer funny...

Beliza said...

This was hilarious! The hornet sword is priceless!
As far as I know, my father uses smoke to deal with them. They get dizzy and don't attack him when he disposes of the nest. Still, I would wear a beekeeper suit in any case, lol.

Sultan said...

I feel like I can help with this. Solution: call guy who wears funny outfit and known as an exterminator. Give him large sum of money. Return to the safety of your castle and watch bad television. Problem solved.

Vinny C said...

I did some checking with my RPG gaming contacts. It seems that Hornet Sword grants you ranged attack, gives +2 Strength, increases speed X5 and grants bonus armor.

I think you're good.

DB Stewart said...

Thanks to all of you for your suggestions. I have since used my hornet sword again and it seems to have seriously impeded their progress. But this isn't over yet. I guess I've become like Nancy Grace to those evil hornets.

Steve Bailey said...

I find grenades work every time.

Cheeseboy said...

Haha! So funny! I'd be screaming like a little girl too.

michael.offworld said...


karensomethingorother said...

I wasn't liking this story at all. I was just about to whine that I NEED CLOSURE, but Debra and Laoch have offered up some good suggestions. Please post again when the thing is gone.

A hornet flew into my shirt on the way home from school in grade 8. Stung me about 4 times, while I danced around wondering what the hell was going on. Then it flew calmly out of my shirt. I screamed the rest of the way home.

DB Stewart said...

The hornets are dead. My son used the industrial strength hornet insecticide I bought today and well, he probably can't have children now, but at least the hornets are dead.
(Or are they? #zombiehornets)

Alistair said...

More Like Conan The Librarian if you ask me - what a wuss dbs.


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