Monday, February 7, 2011

Things that are most likely the devil:

4 in 1 former bachelors from
 the ABC network agree.

Men: uh, I hate to tell you this but there could be a killer in your closet right now. This assassin might be colourful. This slayer may have spots. Or stripes. This predator may be sleek and attractive or so ugly you can’t imagine how something so hideous could exist in there. It may even be seriously loud but it doesn't make a peep. Regardless of its particular characteristics beware: it’s a lethal killer just waiting to wrap itself around your neck. 

I’m talking about killer neckties. Yup. Killer ties. The classic Fathers’ Day gift is apparently a ticking time bomb. Let me explain, or better yet, let the former Bachelor doctor guy explain. (I'm quite sure he knows a thing or two about uh, bacteria.)  

Apparently microbiologists have determined that “organisms can survive on a tie for up to 80 days.” So basically, that salmon you had at that wedding two months ago: it's doing the funky mitosis on your favourite tie right now.  

So what are we guys supposed to do? Dry-clean. Regularly. 

Yeah. No. Not likely. 

I'm clearly not a scientist but that's never stopped me before so therefore I authorize you to employ the microwave treatment. That kills everything. I mean look what it does to bacon. It's just science, peeps.

However, nuclear microwave radiation only helps those who help themselves so you must use caution when you encounter neckties elsewhere. Particularly in their natural habitat. I'm talking about family weddings. When you spot Great Uncle Bernie and that noxious tie he’s been sporting since 1982 and he moves in to give you a big hug, slowly back away to a safe distance, smile and give him a thumbs up instead. If that doesn't work, pepper-spray him with some Lysol. Chances are he won't remember much from the evening anyway. You're welcome.

19 comments:

Nicole said...

This is excellent. What would be better is using neckties to thwart enemies. A gift! For you! What smallpox?

Best line: the funky mitosis.

And word verification says "honfo." I couldn't agree more.

Al Penwasser said...

How am I supposed to microwave my tie? I mean, I can't fit into my microwave and, besides, I think it's kinda dang....uh, wait a minute. Never mind.

Chelle said...

They are also dangerous to wear on the playground.

Disposable ties. It's an industry waiting to happen.

Tim Riley said...

Uh oh. I have a bunch of ties lurking in the back of my closet. They don't get used much, so who knows what's going on back there.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Funky mitosis, LOL!

Elly Lou said...

I've never much liked the tiny nooses.

Or mooses. Which is awfully fun to say.

Also? I don't care for your subtle hints to color my hooch with your "dyermat" captcha, mister.

Kev D. said...

Thank god I work in software.

I only wear ties to Weddings or Funerals.

Vinny C said...

Dry clean? Ties? Wait... You actually have to actually CLEAN them?

Al Penwasser said...

Plus, I blow my nose with my tie.
Is that wrong?

Laoch of Chicago said...

The solution is not to wear ties.

dbs said...

@Nicole Smallpox = hilarious!
@AP Dude. That's gotta be one wide tie. And yeah ties do make handy hankies. No wonder they're cesspools.
@Chelle Disposable ties? That makes sense.
@TR Best avoid them until they start snaking their way out of there.
@DSWS Thanks.
@EllyLou Mooses are not fun when they run down your street though.
@KevD I wonder how many people sneeze on software?
@VinnyC Yeah. It was a new concept for me too.
@LoC As always, a succinct p.o.v.

Antares Cryptos said...

To Do:
1. Wash coffee
2. Drink tie
3. Call Lysol
Got it.

Lost: Blog. If found, please return to dbs, Alan or Steve.

Sandra said...

But...but...I love my Lysol!
PS: I was told by my brilliant boys that a wenis was the skin part on the elbow...are they fucken with me again?

Cheeseboy said...

Gross! I think the last time I had my ties cleaned was 4 years ago. I wish I was lying.

gail said...

Well done!

I do look forward to making it to Canada again. So far, I have been to Niagara Falls, Montreal and Toronto. All a very long time ago!

gail

Missy said...

OMG! I am throwing out all of my hubby's ties and starting over!
Do they make disposable ties?

Summer said...

Eeeeww! One more thing for me to obsess about. Thanks.

dbs said...

@AC Funny. You will find your blog again. No worries.
@Sandra Indeed, it's your elbow skin.
@gail I hope you love it again.
@Missy They should. See Chelle's comment.
@Summer Sorry. Pretend they don't exist and just leave them at the back of the closet with the forgotten Christmas presents and such.

Alittlesprite said...

YES!!!! I KNEW I threw out my husbands ugly tie for a bona fide reason. HA! Take that Hubby!

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