Wednesday, February 16, 2011


I try. I set goals. I push myself. I try to be more. More.

But I rarely succeed. And yet, sometimes, I'm more than I was. Not much, but more. A little more.

Sometimes I think that's all there is. That's the human condition. We stake out a piece of the sky but we end up with a handful of rain. At least it quenches. For a while. That's the way it is with us dreamers.

I can get so mired in disappointment in myself and in others. It gets so tangled, so involved. And then I wallow in my disillusionment and court unhappiness. I toss away my joy like it's cheap candy at a pity parade; I give myself permission to wallow while I try to make meaning of the mess I made of things.

Most wouldn't notice though. I don't want that sort of attention. I never have. (I can't believe I'm writing it here but I'm hoping to help someone else. So even my shame will be more. More.)

But I've shuffled my feet down this road before. And even though I know it's pathetic, at some point, I will retrace my footsteps, or most of them, again. I've overcome this before. It's taken years but I know now that it's all just a mental challenge. It's a thinking obstacle. And I think too much.

(But I love to think.)

So I construct this obstacle course for myself. I have to. It's so I can climb over it. Because I guess I need the struggle to be more. More.


Debra She Who Seeks said...

"Don't worry, be happy." Hey, it made Bobby McFerrin a gazillion bucks.

Unknown said...

Don't stress too much. Periods only last 5 days

Antares Cryptos said...

Welcome to the human condition, indeed.

"I think, therefore I suffer", sometimes.

dbs, that's why we're here. I think Sarah may be on to something...

I left you something in the previous post, interesting timing. Hang in there, this too shall pass.

Symdaddy said...

I think too ... at least, I think I think ... but then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like ... Oooo!

I came over all strange just then!

When you are down in the deep mental hole and all you can see is the tiny pin-prick of light way up above you, it's worthwhile remembering that someone, somewhere is always far deeper than you are.

Sultan said...

The Buddhists believe that the answer is the opposite of striving.

DB Stewart said...

@DSWS Yes it did. And it's good advice.
@SarahW Ha! Awesome.
@AC & Symdaddy Thank you for your kind words. I hope I didn't depress everyone. I'm not feeling depressed. And Symdaddy, you are absolutely right. I wrote this for someone who is struggling far more than I ever really do. I hoping this says, "you're not alone." And, I'm hoping it also says you can overcome this by using that "change your thinking, change your life" method that works for me.

Alittlesprite said...

I liked what Symdaddy said to. If you can use your own experiences to help others, then it's worth while. Even though it sucks at the time, keep telling yourself that you will work it out and overcome.

Elly Lou said...

I want more chicken biscuits. Or maybe I don't. Honestly I can't remember what my name is anymore. Also I have to pee. Did you say something?

Kev D. said...

I think I'm the same... It would at least explain why I always go out and eat buckets of KFC after losing some weight.

Chelle said...

Well, don't forget about what you have and what you get to be.

I can relate, though. I want very much to be more. I worry about being forgotten one day. Most people remember 3 generations back in their family tree and that is all.

Do you know things about your great great great grandfathers?

It's scary!

So I guess we make the most of it while we get to be here.

Vinny C said...

We always strive for our own pinnacle. Our personal image of perfection. We ignore the fact that perfection is something that we, being the flawed creatures known as human beings, simply cannot attain.

I believe our most admirable trait is our desire to keep trying for it despite this.

And even though we don't attain that perfection, greatness is often born from our efforts.

Yes that's EXACTLY it. We keep trying.

Lorraine said...

This was beautifully written. I wish I had more of a comment but I don't do well with serious things. It's a character flaw. Maybe if I read this post a few more times I will be... more better at it.


Antares Cryptos said...

Standing down.
On high alert as a post-divorce friend is having a very hard time.:(

DB Stewart said...

@LoC Smart. It's interesting you mention that because when I was writing the post, at one point I considered using the word "less" and rewriting the entire thing. It wouldn't have been honest though. However, it is such a smart way to live though.
@Alittlesprite Good advice.
@EllyLou That smurfling is messing with your appetite already isn't it?
@KevD Dude. It's official. This proves we're brothers (or should be).
@Chelle Well said. I know very little about my grandfather to the third power. Now, even more than before, I want someone to document my genealogy on that show "Who do you think you are?"
@VinnyC Very well said, much better than my original post.
@Lor Clever. I like flaws. See Vinny C's comment.
@AC That's tough. Way to be good support.

michael.offworld said...

I think this calls for a Zeb Walton quote. "We can think our way into anything." (And out.)

I'm guessing (hoping) that you, like me, watched the Walton's as a child, Thanks for this friend.

DB Stewart said...

Smart. Loved The Waltons: Goodnight Michael. (And you're welcome friend.)

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