Thursday, February 24, 2011

SHHHHH. Don't tell my wife.

From my links: proof that I have a problem with ice cream.
Yeah. So. I'm going to tell you a secret. My wife has this condition. SHHHHH. She must never read this. Why? Well obviously I'd be dead, but here's another thing too: SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW she has this malady. A social psychologist would refer to her affliction as "cognitive dissonance."

I've tried to explain it to her but she thinks my thinking is flawed. Mine.

It's so frustrating. Here's the situation:

  1. I repeatedly ask her NOT to buy snacks because I will eat them.
  2. She repeatedly buys snacks thinking I won't eat them and then discovers she no longer has snacks because, you guessed it, I ate them.
  3. Testy showdowns at the pantry ensue. (See acrimatrimonious.)

Basically for example, she thinks we can have ice cream in the house. Seriously. Ice cream IN THE HOUSE. Like a hot, fat-guy like me needs ice cream?! This irritates me. She KNOWS that ice-cream is basically crack-cocaine to me. Before I go on, I must stress that I have never used crack cocaine. Honestly, I have no idea what crack-cocaine or any other cocaine is but I did watch that interview Diane Sawyer did with Whitney Houston and I have surmised that crack-cocaine is pretty powerful stuff and therefore an appropriate metaphor. As I was saying: my wife is well-aware that ice-cream is my narcotic. YET SHE STILL BUYS IT. AND she gets angry when I eat it all. Then honey, why-for-the-love-of-God did you buy it?

Like I'm the one with a problem.

She also buys RIPPLE CHIPS and CHOCOLATE CHIPS and she expects me not to snarf them down too. She ACTUALLY BELIEVES these snacks will still be there 35 minutes later when she wants to enjoy one of those toothsome goodies. She ACTUALLY BELIEVES this to be true despite nearly twenty years of evidence to the contrary. By clinging to those two conflicting notions my wife clearly has extreme cognitive dissonance. Like a clinical case. Totally. [See O-wise-and-powerful-wikipedia explanation if you care.]

So what's a guy to do if his wife thinks that treats will miraculously remain in the pantry and elsewhere despite the long-term evidence that my teens and I will gorge on them like wolves reared on trans-fat every chance we get?

Wait. I just thought of something: I suppose I could stop eating them.

Nah. That would only aid her delusion condition.

As I said, SHHHHHH. She must never read this.

30 comments:

Laoch of Chicago said...

The best thing to do would be to continue eating them happily and then chanting in an increasingly louder tone,"More, more, more, more..."

Antares Cryptos said...

WHAAAAAAT? YOU ATE ALL THE ICE CREAM?!? I JUST GOT HERE!

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Been there, done that. Will do it again.

Sunny Dee said...

lol I've solved this problem. I enjoy snacking on veggies, and my other half does not. HA! All the snacky foods I want all the time!

SherilinR said...

i suffer from the ice cream eating addiction too. it also carries over into the realm of potato chips & cadbury eggs. if you want the chips or ice cream to be here when you go looking for it - you'd better hide that stuff or it'll be gone.

Oilfield Trash said...

I am a man and I agree with you. I eat stuff as well. My ex never could understand the concept.

Chelle said...

Hahahaha Laoch!

She needs a hidey spot. Like the neighbor's freezer?

dbs said...

@LoC Devious much?
@AC Fly-on-the-wall-exactly.
@DSWS Ditto.
@SunnyDee You lie.
@SherilinR Sister-friend.
@OT "I eat stuff." Awesome.
@Chelle He would eat it too.

Alittlesprite said...

I figure if Hubby leaves his bar of chocolate in the fridge for more than one day then it's mine. It's that simple.

The Chicken's Consigliere said...

You know, if your wife was clever enough to land a hot fat guy, then I'm pretty sure she's probably way ahead of you. Sure, she acts annoyed, but it is merely an act. She's lulled you into a false sense of snackurity. Meanwhile, she's hidden the good stuff. The top shelf chips and the artisan truffles. You'll never find it, bwah ha ha. I know where it is but I'm not telling. Snackidarity. Ah DBS. You bring out the silly in me every time.

Selina Kingston said...

You're right! Your wife needs help. Why hasn't she got it after all these years. She needs to be sensitive to your needs. You have a weakness. Of course you do, YOU'RE A MAN !!!!
(Your post made me laugh ....a lot!)

paulsifer42 said...

I won't tell, but my mom had the same condition when I was in high school. Whe would buy chips, and cookies, and candy, and think that the seventeen year old wasn't going to eat them. I kept asking, "If you don't want them eaten, why do you buy them?" It took a few years, but she finally got it. I'm not saying to try saying that to your wife, just telling you my story.

Summer said...

I can relate. To HER! I hate when people eat my snacks. My husband will eat three of my 100 calorie snacks. Seriously.

Cheeseboy said...

Crap - - I think my wife has this SAME EXACT disorder. Not only does she buy snacks, but she buys GOOD snacks. At least buy the old lady garbage so I have SOME temptation.

Best post I have read all week right here.

Windsmoke. said...

Don't leave a block of chocolate or a bag of lollies lying around too long because my sweet tooth will urge me to gorge myself on them until there's nothing left yummmmy. Had to give up ice cream because it's got to much fat for me. :-).

G said...

action = re-action
you buy ice-cream = I eat ice cream
...simple

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

manders said...

ripple chips and onion dip are my weakness. we always say we'll make the full batch so that we can save some for the next night. yeah right. save some. that never happens.

Missy said...

I have to hide the snacks from my husband. He just cannot help himself! I feel terrible hiding them, but it is for his own good!

The Gaelic Wife said...

The Consigliere is onto something. If you're really a hot, fat guy as you claim to be, then it's obvious your wife is a chubby chaser who secretively wants to maintain your Buddha-belly form. Nothing quite like rubbing a Buddha belly. :) But I digress.

karensomethingorother said...

oh man--your wife, and my poor, late mother :( House full of snacks, but for GOD'S SAKE don't eat them.

Nicole said...

This post is witty-tastic. Love it. And I have a similar concern for my mental health. I buy sugary cereal for my kids and frequently break out a nearly empty box the next morning. We've a nighttime serial, cereal snacker. And it's the hubster. I know, shocking.

Amy said...

Your wife needs a Sharpie marker. When she brings the snacks home, the first thing she should do is write on the box or bag: Do NOT eat. It actually works to some degree -- at least the snacks last more than 30 minutes.

Formerly known as Frau said...

Coming over from Mrs.4444 omg....you crack me up I love this post and so can relate.....I too love IC and snacks and My hubby thinks they should last forever in our house too.....he is ill like your wife!

mommytoalot said...

Coming over via Half Past Kissing Time..
thanks for this post..
too funny..umm except I'm the one with the sweet addiction and i've no one to blame but myself..
arghhh and my daughter had her tonsils out so there was plenty of ice cream, and ice cream sandwiches that..mysteriously went missing..(i ain't saying a thing..lol)

Mrs4444 said...

Well, in her defense, I have to tell you that chocolate chips, in and of themselves, are not SNACKS. They become snacks when encased in chocolate chip cookie dough and other delicious treats.

I am SO glad that I am not a big fan of ice cream....Good luck with that!

lisleman said...

time to go cold turkey?
an intervention

Kathy said...

Love it here! The kind Mrs. 444 led me here from the Sampling. So happy to find and now follow you!

Pleasantries aside, she should buy a small padlockable freezer... it is just wrong for her to expect self control!

msprimadonna67 said...

Clearly the only solution is to buy twice as much. Snacks for you, snacks still left for her--it's a win-win!

Emily said...

Can so totally relate. Ben & Jerry's Karamel Sutra is my heroin.

As the mom, I buy it for my child, but somehow it goes into my stomach more than his. Curse him!

Mrs. Tuna said...

Oh my god, this is the funniest blog post you've ever written

Those damn wives.

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