Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Mitt Wars

This is not a dilly bar.
It's science.
I can't find my mitts. I NEED MY MITTS. I walk 30 minutes each day to and from work. I live in Northern-Canada-nuff-said! And thus the MITT WARS will continue until one of us has a stroke and yup, it will likely be me.

Here's the back-story. My son swipes my mitts. Like 12 times now. As a teen, he rarely wears mitts because "like obviously Dad" they immediately lower one's social status; however, when rushing out the door to go snowboarding or snowmobiling he can't locate his own mitts. Why not? There are two reasons:

  1. Despite all parents' best efforts to supply sweeeeeeeet toques and pimpin' snowboard pants and such, it's the same reason all freezing, teeth-chattering, hopping-from-foot-to-foot teenagers cannot find adequate clothing to sustain life outdoors: they CONSTANTLY lose shit. Why? NOTHING is ever returned to its intended location where one might be able to access it without drama. The teen's typical movement pattern is willy-nilly with a side of uncoordinated (not unlike Paula Abdul). Due to this haphazard style, various things are left randomly all about in teen territory. For example, I once found a spoon on the clothes dryer, the peanut butter still clinging to it. This crap happens daily. 
  2. There's a dilly bar where a teen's frontal lobe should be. Seriously. I've done the research. All teens are like this. And oddly, we allow them to drive. And THEY STEAL OUR MITTS.

Anyway, my son tells me he finally found my mitts. Or thinks he has. He's pretty sure he left them in a vehicle belonging to the father of a cute girl in his class, one who invited him to go snowboarding. Each and every day, I ask him to retrieve my mitts from the cute girl. He doesn't want to bother her though. I ask him if my lawyer could bother her. So begrudgingly he inquires but every day she remarks, I keep forgetting to look for them. Giggle. And every day the dilly bar in my son's brain melts a little more.

Yup. My mitts are doomed.

20 comments:

Laoch of Chicago said...

Shopping trip needed. Very unfashionable gloves need to be obtained, to so humiliate son if he borrows them that their safety will be assured.

dbs said...

@LoC Smart advice. However, I've employed this before will similar results.

Artist and Geek said...

Funny.
Sadly, they're like retarded house-elves, aren't they?

dbs said...

@A&G Yes. But I've given them socks and they won't go away. ;)

Artist and Geek said...

LOL.
Have you tried Mitts?

Alittlesprite said...

You're never getting them back.
It's not just teenage boys. I cant even count the number of school hats I've had to replace.

my verification word is; horsi
nawww.. how cute.

paulsifer42 said...

I honestly snickered. Sounds to me like your son is a genius. He will forever have an excuse to talk to that cute girl. What's his motivation to ever get the mitts back? I only laugh now because I know I'll be in the same boat in about sixteen years and might not be able to laugh then. Best of luck to ya. :)

Alistair said...

Come on dbs - he's using the mitts in the hunt for love so he can say there are mitt-igating circumstances. Anyway, is he really does have a dilly{?} bar for a brain, how come he can always find them wherever you leave them. It may be that you always leave them in the same place or at least fail to hide them effectively. A noemal teenager won't be hunting for mitts until the very last second so he will quite possibly be frantic. Surely you can come up with a strategy to overcome this? Of course perhaps your better half may be giving them to him - or maybe you cave in yourself.....

You could always take a favourite bit of designer gear or the price of a pair of mitts hostage until the goods are returned.

Thanks for starting my day with a laugh. I hereby appoint you a fully fledged member of the curmudgeon club.

ps. stick your hands in pockets - get back in touch with your inner child on the walk to wor.

Alistair said...

and I should proof read before posting.

Vinny C said...

That is exactly the kind of stuff that made me put a huge padlock on my door when I was a teenager & had to deal two younger dilly bar brained sisters.

Chelle said...

My 10 year old has this dilly bar you speak of. Yesterday her class went on a ski trip. The bus left from that school at 11am. At 10:55am I looked at the table and there was her money for food for the entire day. So, I threw Eleanore in to the car (no really, I launched her. Got to the school, dragged the toddler in and went on a hunt for Libby finding her in the knick of time to give her the money. Day saved? Nope.. she slipped past me in the morning with magic mini gloves instead of the $383742934279 high tech ones that she H A D to own. SO I had to go on an in school hunt for mitts.

We ended up digging in the lost and found, which is the most disgusting thing ever. I might blog about how traumatic the lost in found is, actually.

LOST AND FOUND MITTS, MOM?? PEOPLE PICK THEIR NOSES.

Yeah. They do.

wv-shric. I like it.

Nicole said...

Totally stealing your line. Dilly Bar teen brains = awesome. And yummy.

Kev D. said...

I agree with Paulsifer, your son clearly did the Costanza leave behind with your mitts... GENIUS.

Anyways, being a Canadian myself, I know that you likely have a huge tub full of mitts, big ass wool socks and all sorts of toques and berets.

Some were handed down or inherited, some were found, and some were taken off of frozen corpses on the walk home... but don't tell me you only have one GOOD pair... come on man! Go to the backups!

TRUE NORTH STRONG AND FREE!

Defiant Marshmallow said...

Somewhere, a Dilly Bar attorney is preparing his lawsuit for this libelous post. How dare you compare them to a teen, sir!

vickilikesfrogs said...

Haven't you figured out yet to buy silly, green mittens that look like frogs yet? No self-respecting teenager would EVER steal those, dilly-bar brains or not!

And oh hey...you won an award over at Glitter Frog! Cuz, well...you're awesome and shit.

Didactic Pirate said...

First of all, your grip on teenspeak is uncanny.

Second, if there's a cute girl in the picture to distract your son from Operation Mitt Retrieval, I'm betting you're never gonna see those mitts again.

This post made me chuckle out loud, by the way.

Jules said...

Yeah, those mitts are gone. But now I want a Dilly Bar.

Missy said...

Purchase some Hot Pink Mittens with lace...

dbs said...

@alittlesprite I know. But it's still frustrating.
@paul grr. It's true.
@alistair Curmudgeon's unite!
@VinnyC You know my pain too.
@Chelle Yup. Dilly brain. But it's cuter when it's someone else's dilly brain kid.
@Nicole Thanks. And you're welcome.
@KevD Ha! You're absolutely right. I forgot about that tub of mitts in the laundry room. TRUE NORTH STRONG & FREE!
@DM Ha! Oops.
@Glitterfrog Temporary insanity? (Can adults have dilly bar brains too?) And thanks for the kudos; I will check it out.
@DP I'm sure you're right and I'm glad I gave you an lol.
@Jules Me too. Always. Thanks for stopping by.
@Missy I understand your strategy; bait gloves left on the mitten tree by the back door.

prairiegirl said...

Ahhhh, the Dilly Bar explains my 14 year old's capacity to think logically.

My teenager refuses to wear a winter coat. In Saskatchewan, where I believe we hit -44C with the windchill this morning. And then he will complain that he's cold because he had to go outside with a hoody on. Ummm, yeah, but you don't want a coat, so how is that my problem? *cries*

On the plus side, I've found that if I want to keep anything just "for me", I buy it in some shade of pink, if available. A teenage boy would be hard pressed to touch ANYTHING that's pink. lol

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