Sunday, January 23, 2011

Things that deserve the stink eye (Ethnic Food Version):

Who doesn't love a variety of ethnic foods? My favourites? Hummus. Guacamole. Cabbage rolls. Thai peanut sauce. Sun-dried tomatoes. And so on. Ditto a variety of Chinese foods, except for those damn so-called fortune cookies.

What did mine say the other day? "What you lost will soon be found."

This is my fortune?! This is my good luck? As far as I know, I didn't lose anything. But perhaps I'm just not yet aware that I lost something. What was it? Where is it? When will I discover the missing item/money/child/twin/episode of Lost/vehicle/tooth/three-days-in-the-summer-of-1989? Will I only discover what was missing when I actually find what I indeed did not realize was missing?

Oh and what if the cookie's meaning isn't literal? Maybe I should buy a lottery ticket because the $2 I "lose" by purchasing the ticket might be re-"found" when I instantly win $12.9 million or whatever the latest GNP of an entire impoverished country is estimated to be? It could happen. Right?

Oh I know. I know. It all makes sense now. I'm going to gain weight. *instantly gains weight* Yup. *mocking sing-song voice* Looks like I found what was miss-ing.

No one should be licensed to bake anxiety into a sugar cookie, hand it to someone neurotic like me, especially after I've just eaten 2943 calories in one sitting, and then ask me to pay for it. No. One.

*If you, like me, enjoy wasting time ruminating about fortune cookie messages consider using this fortune cookie generator, created by idiot-geniuses no doubt.


Debra She Who Seeks said...

Hey, you're putting way too much pressure on those poor little cookies! How can they possibly deliver?

dbs said...

Someone has to raise the bar for those annoying little desserts. (Whoa. I sound pathetic. Oh well.)

Artist and Geek said...

I get the same cryptic messages from word verification. Today's is "gasess". Where is she?

Chelle said...

Maybe your mittens will be found. It could be that simple.

I'm also profoundly jealous that you went to Sings.

dbs said...

@A&G Whoa. I never thought about that. Now I'm stressed about interpreting word verification too. *secretly excited*
@Chelle MY MITTS! That's it! P.S. Ah yes, Sings. If I could, I would send you one of those ancient and expensive prints pinned to the walls. A little piece of home. Nah. They're ugly.

Al Penwasser said...

And could you sue if your fortune doesn't come true? And, if so, whom?

Sarah Walton said...

At least you didn't lose your sense of humour. Oh, and if you're looking for Gasess, Artist and Geek? That's me after cabbage rolls...

Alittlesprite said...

I lost my virginity... haven't found it yet.
Fortune cookies are like bullies disguised as a sweet snack.

Artist and Geek said...

dbs-I know. The prophetic word introduced me to Sarah Walton! (Connor? Is that you?).

The current WV is "vitals". I'm checking for fever. Right after I make an aluminum foil hat. If cookies are talking to you, you need one too.

Kev D. said...

I think the worst part is that it doesn't specify that YOU will be the one to find it.

And what good does it do you if someone else finds it?

Probably your MITTS will be found by the girl's father and he'll be all "Hey free mitts."

Chelle said...

The artwork in there is brain melting.

Send me a #2 combo instead.

Chelle said...

Do you ever feel bad for Mrs Wu (I think it's Mrs Wu.. Sing's Mom)? Nobody ever buys her paintings. I want to buy one just to make her feel good, but they are $8798329487234 each.

Nicole said...

the best Chinese I ever had was at a place called West Side Cottage in NYC. The crowning moment was cracking open a dirty fortune cookie (dirty-minded, not off-the-floor dirty). There's never a feeling of mystic disappointment when your fortune is "Double your pleasure, f*ck twins."

dbs said...

@AP I'm more whiner than litigious. And thank you for stopping by.
@Sarah Yes. Sense of humour intact. Forever, I hope. And so it yours gasess.
@alittlesprite I think I found mine again.
@A&G I don't get it. Sorry. I do get the tinfoil hat reference. Swing away. Swing away.
@KevD Great. I did not think about that. And yeah, her Dad has my mitts. My son finally just bought me a new pair.
@Chelle They are and yes, I ache when I see them. (I wish I could send you a #2.)
@Nicole Yup. No mystic disappointment there. But I suspect one should never eat a cookie that swears.

Laoch of Chicago said...

I always have wanted to start a company who makes and distributes Misfortune Cookies!

Dr. Cynicism said...

"No one should be licensed to bake anxiety into a sugar cookie" Hooooly shit, you got me with this one, haha! Nice!

paulsifer42 said...

I'll tell you which ones I hate, the "forunes" that aren't really fortunes. It's more like advice in a cookie. Like, "Save your money for a rainy day." What the hell? Shouldn't I not have rainy days because of this cookie?

Artist and Geek said...

dbs-welcome to my mind (dbs version 2.0)
1.Have flu and cabin "fever"
2.Fortune cookies and WV are sending messages
4.WV is comment spyware by Google
6.WV is sign of self-aware Web AI making contact.
8.Skynet? Sarah Walton's blog is not public. Sarah Connor (Terminator).
9.I want my life back.:)

Shana said...

I just eat the cookie and seldom read the message!!

Cheeseboy said...

It sounds like this cookie may be the best thing that ever happened to you. So many good things are to be found soon.

We should start a fortune telling company. I bet we could come up with some doozies together.

dbs said...

@LoC Clever.
@DrC Thanks.
@paul I see you've been burned too.
@A&G Ha! Dude. You are the king of comments--where is your twitter account? P.S. Get some rest.
@Shana Good plan.
@Cheeseboy Yes, I bet we could.

Artist and Geek said...

dbs-thanks for the compliment and the recovery wishes.
If my lack of blog activity is any indication, I'm starting to suspect that twitter may be a more suitable platform. I read and enjoy yours. (A lot). Except twitter would turn into an addiction.

Anonymous said...

i got the greatest fortune once. it said "you are never bitter, deceptive, or petty". that's right, NEVER. of course i immediately rubbed it in to everyone else. especially my sister who always gets two fortunes, grumble grumble. nope, i'm not being bitter or petty, the cookie has spoken!

Roxanne and Lorraine said...

At least that resembled something LIKE a fortune. The last "fortune" I got from a cookie was "No wind, no waves." Really? REALLY? That doesn't tell me anything.

Molly said...

Also, they taste crap.

dbs said...

@A&G You're too hard on yourself. There are no rules.
@mandersblue Fortunes are fickle. I think Shakespeare said this or maybe it was his cousin.
@R&L That's pointless. That sort of fortune deserve a free meal.
@Molly Well said.

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