Sunday, February 28, 2010
When I was kid, I loved how a spider-bite transformed Peter Parker from a shy, sort-of nondescript fellow into a muscle-y, crime-fighting hero named Spiderman, both fretful yet firm. So when my superhero powers kicked in the other day, I immediately thought of Spidey. Let me explain.
I’m not really an old guy. However, at the dentist recently, while lying flat on my back with my jaw spread wide from thither to Yellowknife, I suddenly felt ancient. It’s my dentist’s fault. He’s basically like seventeen. He and his nine-year-old hygienist discussed snowboarding and the latest reality show while I clutched the arms-rests of the dental/electric chair not unlike the way I will most certainly clutch my walker someday. Anyway, I longed for some of Spidey’s nifty ability to experience accelerated healing which is probably not an unusual feeling for most people while at the dentist. And indeed that little wish actually came true a few days later. Let’s just say though that my spider-senses aren’t calibrated too well.
On weekends I wear my glasses but I hate cleaning them. One particular weekend, I cleaned them excessively. Confused while trying to enjoy TV, I couldn’t determine why they seemed so persistently dirty. Something nagged at me and like Spidey I fretted and thought, has my vision deteriorated? Do I need a stronger prescription?
So when I woke that weekend Sunday morning and continued to wrangle with my eyes and my glasses, I decided to face my old-guy fears and test my vision. And then it happened.
I could see. Without my glasses, I could see perfectly!
BUT HOW?! I rushed about the house testing my new miracle-enhanced vision. Near and far, without my glasses, my vision was incredible. Sharp. True.
Whoa. I concluded quickly that Spidey probably experienced this vision rejuvenation shortly after the spider-bite. And then I thought, what else has transformed?!! Had my gray hair disappeared? Had my spare tire morphed into muscle? I had to take a look at myself in the bathroom mirror.
And then I noticed my contact lens case. Empty.
Disappointed, I removed my contacts, the ones I had obviously been wearing for about fifty hours, the very same ones not recommended to be worn more than eight hours daily. My vision immediately returned to normal, i.e. crappy.
Remember that quote from the Spiderman story? “With great power comes great responsibility.” Well, I guess with great stupidity comes even greater stupidity. Who knew that when my superhero powers kicked in they would kick me in the head?
I don’t think I like Spiderman anymore.