Friday, April 22, 2016

True story:

So years ago, in our kitchen, we had this plug-in that was upside down. So I decided to just unscrew it and turn it over and put it back. So then there were sparks everywhere. So then I sprinted to the breaker box and flipped the breaker. So I decided the plug itself must be faulty. So I decided to change the plug. So I drove to the store and bought a new plug. So I carefully but confidently removed the old plug noting where all the wires went so I could attach the new plug in exactly the same manner. So as not to be too cocky, I even drew a picture. So I flicked the breaker back on and returned to plug in the coffee maker to test it all the while fighting off my squeamish inner desire to brace for a potential explosion. So nothing. So I tried again. So nothing. So my wife kindly commented that she thought that particular plug-in never worked anyway so I shouldn’t worry about it. So I could have seized her with my muscular arms and kissed her madly but instead I missed her deliberate act of kindness and sarcastically remarked, “That’s the same plug-in we use for the toaster every morning!” So then I began to ruminate. So I mulled for hours the various ways my DIY intentions would indeed cause our house to burn down in the middle of the night killing my wife and children leaving me as the only scarred survivor being interviewed on television as I confessed my stupidity to Oprah. So just before bed I tried to start the dishwasher. So then it wouldn’t work either. So then I decided to burn the house down myself. So instead, I didn’t sleep for a few hours. So in the morning I called a professional and then began worrying about the $8000 it was going to cost me to fix my idiocy. So the pro arrived and he took three seconds to discover the breaker wasn’t completely flipped back on. So um, wow.

So here’s the thing: imagine a line, a continuum, and at the beginning of the line is a dot that represents the past. So in the middle of that line is a dot that represents the present and another dot further ahead near the end of the line that represents the future. So somewhere between the dots that represent the present and the future is a little arrow pointing at the line and next to it is a message: you are not here.

So, my friends, you and I should stop worrying about all those unlikely things that haven’t happened yet.


Al Penwasser said...

I installed a new dimmer switch in the bathroom. The new one didn't require the third wire, which I stuffed in the insulation. I flipped the breaker, flipped the switch, and VOILA! The wall caught on fire.
We call professionals now.

Mel said...

Amen my friend.

jenny_o said...

I worry about stuff so that when something bad does happen, I'm prepared. I know that sounds crazy and counter-productive (because my husband tells me so) but it really is the reason I don't try harder to stop worrying. I'd rather the worry than the jolt out of the blue. It's good that your house didn't burn down, the electrician didn't cost $8000, and you nailed that repair.

Jess said...

So, I wasn't sure where this post was going, and I kept trying to imagine where you were taking things, and then I got to the end, and I realized that while reading the whole post, I kept thinking about how it was going to end. And then I got to the part where you said don't worry about the line between the present and the future, and well, that's exactly what I was doing this whole post lol.



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