When the Mud Muds

Flawed? Yes. Still works? Yes.

I believe all behaviour is purposeful. Whether the goal is to obtain or avoid something needed, something wanted, something unknown, the purpose drives the action. For me, this explains a lot.

Intent is different though. Intent is choice. Choice requires conscious thought and conscious action. Intent should drive actions. And yet it doesn't always work that way: thoughts and words don't always match, words and actions don't always match.

Remember Ralph in William Golding's novel Lord of the Flies? Still stranded on an island (certainly not by choice), and after another fearful night, literally a murderous night, Ralph gathers an assembly, intent on restoring order among the boys: "Then, at the moment of greatest passion and conviction, that curtain flapped in his head and he forgot what he had been driving at. He knelt there, his fist clenched, gazing solemnly from one to the other."

I know that flappy curtain.

Clarity can be fleeting. Perspective gets fuzzy, cloudy, muddy, whichever metaphor works. I think we all possess that negative inner voice whispering failure-failure-failure. Sure it's true, an inner negative voice may explain how our species has survived thousands of years of conflict: putting a daisy in the barrel of a gun may still get you killed. But my focus here is thriving, not just surviving.

I have always admired people with positive intent. They ignite my strength, straighten my spine. They seem wise. For many years, I had no idea those inspiring people I admired were no different than I. They simply chose. Like some, I defaulted to the notion that we beautifully-flawed-and-stitched-up humans were at the mercy of our emotions, whims, desires, needs, fate, whatever the excuse. But most of the time, we aren't. And when we are, learning how not to be victimized can help us heal and move forward. It's not easy though. Sometimes the curtain flaps, the mud muds.

And when it does? One needs an inner voice trained to help instead of hinder, trained to choose. And sometimes it even works.