Recalibrate

Recalibrate (verb): to readjust, alter, change, correct, fine-tune, fix, mend, modify, repair, revamp, shape up, transform, turn over a new leaf, turn things around.

     I love recalibrating my life. I always have. But mostly just on the outside.

     When I was a kid, my parents would leave home for the evening and I would use the opportunity to rearrange the furniture. Soon after though, I wanted to change everything again. Even now. I have this list. It itemizes a variety of renovations but much of it is probably not as necessary as I sometimes think. Like I sort of have this compulsion to paint. Get this. Last Christmas I repainted all the inside trim around my bathroom and bedroom doors. On vacation! And I have oiled my kitchen cupboards at one o’clock in the morning. But it’s more than painting. I can’t get rid of my list and as soon as one item is checked, I add another.

     I know how this sounds. I sound like someone who is never satisfied. Or maybe I sound materialistic. Or that I’m not happy unless I’m not happy. But I’m not any of those things. It’s just a nagging need to maintain or improve things, magnified by an inability to live in the moment.

     Despite my urge to change my surroundings, I find it so, so hard to recalibrate me. And I need some. I want recalibration. I want to shape up, make corrections, modify, fix, polish and transform myself. Yet even though I am motivated to continually alter and improve my environment, I’m never that successful at revamping and improving myself. Why is that so much harder?

Hard (adjective): bothersome, burdensome, irksome, onerous, strenuous, tiring, tough, troublesome, uphill battle, wearying.

     I’ve been told that things are neither hard nor easy. They just are. It’s only interpretation. Is that the answer?