Saturday, May 14, 2011

Wordfuse (What Sucks Edition)

AKA someone's sucking our wallets dry again.
I suspect it hasn’t even crossed your mind but gas prices are a tad high. And rising! No I don’t imagine anyone’s noticed. 

Anyway, I’ve been trying to determine why. So sometimes news programs discuss this issue. That’s informative. And entertaining too. People are interviewed and stuff. It’s especially interesting when they ask gas companies to explain it. Hmm. Doesn’t that seem like a conflict of interest? A tad phony? Words like supply and demand are bantered about like punchlines. But the joke doesn't ring true to me.

So I google it. Ahhhh. Then it all becomes clear. Like fog. In the rain. After midnight. In a power outage. In deep space. In a black hole.

I like to fancy myself as a more than a doofus now and then and considering I have some higher education, shouldn’t I be able to understand why gas prices are so high? The long answer: nope. So therefore I’m forced to devise my own theories based on events that are clearly linked:

~Natural disasters disrupt millions throughout the world. Gas goes up.
~War in Libya. Gas goes up.
~Conflicts in Syria continue. Gas goes up.
~Osama bin Laden is killed; terrorists vow revenge. Gas goes up.
~The Canadian government decides to have an inquiry regarding high gas prices. Gas goes up.
~Someone claims the world is going to end next Saturday. Gas goes up.
~Oprah ends her show. Gas goes up.
~Arnold Schwarzenegger splits with his wife after 25 years of marriage. Gas goes up.
~Charlie Sheen says something stupid. Gas goes up.
~Donald Trump says something stupid. Gas goes up.
~An oil baron needs to buy another airline or maybe Mexico or something to make himself even more rich. Gas goes up.
~Uh oh. I just realized that by posting this...yup, you guessed it: gas goes up. 


Laoch of Chicago said...

Sadly the answer should be supply and demand but it isn't.

Alistair said...

Chief exec needs a bonus - gas goes up.

shareholders want a dividend - gas goes up.

Raw material price drops - gas companies make more profit.

Raw material price goes up - retail price goes up the same day.

raw material price comes down - price drop takes three weeks to 'filter through' production to pump prices.


Fran said...

Why don't they just get our pay cheques forwarded straight to them?

Vinny C said...

The Sheen & Trump parts are scary. Who knows where that will take gas prices.

Oh, by the way, commenting on this post will also cause gas prices to go up.

Not commenting will have the same effect.

karensomethingorother said...

It has become completely ridiculous.

Munk said...


Debra She Who Seeks said...

"Gasoleech" is my new favourite word!

Angela@BeggingTheAnswer said...

Wait a minute - Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver broke up? That's what I get for crawling out from under my rock.

Nicole said...

That punchline, fantastic! Great post. I shouldn't have said that . . .gas goes up, amirite?

Alittlesprite said...

A Mountain Goat farts somewhere in the Swiss Alps...Gas goes up.

Amy said...

Feeling the gasoleech pains here, too. Definitely makes me wish I lived in a city with decent public transit.

Windsmoke. said...

A Polar Bear farts in the Arctic and melts an iceberg then gas goes up as well but we all know it's Gaddafi and Bin Ladens fault :-).

Mel said...

This made me smile. Which made gas go up.

dbs said...

@Laoch Exactly.
@Alistair Ha! These reasons are awesome.
@Fran So true.
@VinnyC Ha! Exactly.
@karen Yes. It. Has.
@Munk Thanks.
@DSWS Ditto.
@Angela Don't worry. It's not really news.
@Nicole Yup!
@sprite Ha! Awesomeness.
@Amy Me too. Er, if I lived in a city.
@Windsmoke Probably yes.
@Mel Sadly true.

The Gaelic Wife said...

You forgot the most basic principle: You breathe, gas goes up.

The Defiant Marshmallow said...

Thanks for the clear explanation! My father in law worked for ARCO (Atlantic Richfield Company) for over 30 years. He tried to explain this phenomenon to me many times, concluded I was brain damaged, and gave up, thankfully.

Of course, by my replying to your post, gas prices will naturally, go up.

Mrs4444 said...

You're funny. If only salaries would be as affected postively by....well....everything.

Cheeseboy said...

Ah crap. Why'd you have to go and ruin it for all of us?

Antares Cryptos said...

"To infinity and beyond..."
(Buzz Lightyear, a plastic byproduct of the oil industry)

Mrs. Tuna said...

I drive a full size truck which I have to freaking fill once a week. On one hand I could buy something smaller but the damn thing is paid for. Uggghhhhh, my kingdom for a volkswagon bug.

Elly Lou said...

Yay for mass transit. Except those prices keep going up, too. Maybe it's a good thing I'm trapped at home in my sweat pants.

Kev D. said...

Whenever I go back up to Montreal to visit family, the GASOLEECH seems to suck harder and harder.

When I fill up before crossing the border, the pain seems to be lessened.

Al Penwasser said...

All you can eat at Taco Bell: gas goes up.

wendy said...

You LIST of what makes gas prices go up is hysterical.
I had to read them to my husband.

Sure makes it hard for people to want to be driving their cars and going anywhere.
I imagine out jaunt to Utah tomorrow will end up costing a pretty penny, or loonie.

roughneckturtle/Jeff C. said...

You forgot, Oprah starting her new show and station, gas goes up. And, I wouldn't have commented because I know gas goes up when I do, but then I realized that by reading this post gas went up five cents and said fuck it.

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