That, dear friends, is the power of reading and why I love it.
Sometimes what I've read is profound, and other times, not...BUT even when it's not a revelation, it can be a novel distraction prompting my (pea)brain to say, go there and poke around. Hence the rest of this (crafted before this introduction) is (mostly) stream of consciousness. Let's go:
I saw the following comment on another writer's blog post, one in which she had added a selfie: "you have kind eyes" (I agree) and the invitation to reply, aka start a conversation. It made me think. And think. And think. The comment is not so unusual, but in this instance? It hit different. It registered.
My reply:
- Is there a better compliment? Not today—at least I can't think of one—what a fine compliment!
- Do I have kind eyes? Hmm, I don't recall anyone ever using that adjective to describe my eyes.
- What have people said about my eyes? When I was in Junior High the girl who sat in front of me on the bus said, "your eyes are steel gray-blue." My heart thudded.
- Don't most people have kind eyes? Yes, kinda. In various interactions such as when the baker hands me the cake I ordered (typically transactional)...those are kind eyes, but bona fide kind eyes? There's something else there, something subtle, something beckoning, something calm yet charged. What is it?
- What other words describe eyes I've encountered? Playful. Mischievous. Winsome. Sparkly. Attractive. Squishy. Sharp. Dismissive. Guarded. Pleading. Cold. Drunk. (Just first thoughts...all creatives should avoid judging the brainstorming process, so I am trying not to overthink these word-choices.)
- Whose eyes do I deem kind? My grandmother had kind eyes. But it wasn't just her eyes...it was her voice too, her proximity.
- Do most people actually (searching for the right word here...searching...) ratify compliments, or do they (like me) dismiss them? I wonder.
- They seem to have big egos, so do narcissists actually need compliments? First thought: Trump. Insert barf emoji here.
- Are kind eyes impossible to fake, like could someone wholly unkind have kind eyes? Yes, I think it's possible...looking at you Netflix, and your ongoing (problematic but compelling) obsession with tweaking serial killer narratives with redemptional arcs to sustain us all while we navigate this age of (legit) horror, if that makes any sense at all? Anybody?
- What's the best compliment I've ever received? *scanning... deflecting... scanning... dismissing... second-guessing... scanning....*
Dear friends, feel free to respond to any of these questions. I'm curious about how your answers may grab my lapels.
Codex: 9 makes perfect sense. The kindness is not in the eyes, but in the little expressions around them. Kindness is the person.
ReplyDelete8 all psychopaths are narcissistic. Not all narcissists are psychopaths.
1 there is a better compliment you're a kind person. An achievement to maintain because it's easier to be mean and indifferent than kind
Thanks, Codex. Now you made me think about the distinction between "you're a kind person" vs "kind eyes" and how that is the better achievement, and compliment.
DeleteGiven that I'm recovering from cataracts surgery right now, this post about eyes hit close to home, hahahaha! My father loved old timey prairie expressions, usually sort of earthy yet poetic in their own way, and one of his favourites was about eyes "looking like two piss holes in the snow." Not a compliment, obviously, but always good for a laugh!
ReplyDeleteHa. I "see" how this currently hits differently for you. Also, I've heard that expression from older folks too, and ha, not only does it suit certain (drinking) situations, it's quite vivid!
DeleteCodex: ps don't want to grab you by the labels but rest my hand on your shoulder (too tacky?)
ReplyDeleteI prefer lapels...that's what I had hoped to communicate here: words, phrases, ideas, paragraphs...they GRAB me and I never tire of that, even when when the words may seem trivial to some...my brain waves a flag and there I go, a conversation launched in my mind.
DeleteCodex: I was being literal and grab someone by the lapels evokes an image of violence (at least for me).
DeleteI do know what you were saying. I'm sick and tired of all this world crap right now and it has nothing to do with you. Obviously.
Ah yes, I hadn't thought about this interpretation... makes sense...I've only ever been grabbed by the lapels playfully.
DeleteWell thank you, and now I'm squirming.
ReplyDeleteI had a patient once tell me I had the face of a nun. He was about my age, a gay man who had been sober for 25 years and I was trying to convince him to remove his nipple ring for the CT scan. The docs were looking for lung cancer and the ring would ruin the images. We talked, I listened. The nipple ring celebrated his 25 years of sobriety, and had been in that long. He finally agreed but was worried it might not come out easily, and as he said that last sentence, I undid it and removed the ring without a problem. We were both surprised. I don't know what the results were of his scan, but I still think of him. He was a sweet man.
I spent most of my life being told I was a difficult bitch and believing it. It's only been in the last fifteen years that I have come to accept that I might be a good person, who is difficult at times.
Looking at your photo in your profile, you have kind eyes as well.
Sorry to make you squirm...and now I'm squirming too, ha. Thank you. Nevertheless, your comment is remarkable! It's a perfect example of how the small things are indeed the big things. Your anecdote about one day at work years ago, a nipple ring, and having a human moment with a patient in a vulnerable situation with a profound explanation for his hesitancy...it's an entire story, one that has become part of your story AND NOW mine too. It reminds me not to judge, not to jump to conclusion, not to assume I know all the reasons. Nothing in this story sounds like a bitch, but those words gifted or thrown at us like weapons over the years: we carry them with us and sometimes it takes years to revel in them, or examine them for their value, or excise them from our lives. And like you said, it's difficult at times.
DeleteYour deep ruminations demand more of me than a hit and run today, but that is what I am doing as I must get ready for a drive in the pouring rain. I will say that I am always impressed by your deep thoughts. I don't know if that is exactly what I mean to say, but that is what I am going with for now.
ReplyDeleteNow that's a compliment, sir! As you may have noticed, my blog is called think.stew, as I am wont to do/overdo. Whether you have time to join me in "deep" mode or not, I'm grateful for your voice and perspective in my head, daily.
DeleteYou have more than kind eyes. You have a kind face.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Kate. I will attempt not to dismiss that.
DeleteI've always received compliments on my eyes, but more for their color than their temperament. I personally believe in the adage that the eyes are windows to the soul, and as such, don't feel the truly evil can ever fake kindness with them.
ReplyDeleteColour vs temperament. Now I'm thinking about that too. In that interior vs exterior value debate, what's inside is always more important and authentic.
DeleteIt has been fun to read all the thoughts you had about that compliment. Nice to think deeply. Honestly, I think the best reply would be a simple "Hey, thanks!"
ReplyDeleteGreat reminder, because (if intentional) thanks is not just a word; it's a way of life, isn't it? Plus, it has nothing to do with our "exteriors."
DeleteCodex: felt it was important to clarify. Don't overthink my comment. Take the compliment at face value. Keep in mind that I'm an urbanite who was "trained" that kind eyes mean nothing because some of the worst people hone that skill of appearing kind.
ReplyDeleteLol. You are my favourite urbanite perspective.
DeleteBeautiful blog
ReplyDeletePlease read my post
ReplyDelete