Like all honest parents, she needed some encouragement, so I reminded her that we parent in draft-mode. In this life-long research project called raising adults, we sometimes (oftentimes) don't know what to do. Beta-mode means that parenting is perpetually under development and yet the important, timely decisions must often be launched without adequate testing. Toss into the chaos all the ever-changing variables (age, gender, personality, knowledge, skills, experiences, finances, support or lack there of...) and it's a wonder it ever works. As a therapist once explained to me, "AT THAT TIME few resources were available." True. So, I also reminded my friend that parenting is fucking hard and heartbreaking and fantastic and worth it and like the weather (sometimes) it's all these things in the span of 24 hours.
She thanked me for being wise, LOL. Nope. I just know this is true. She does too.
But.
She will continue to worry.
And so will I.
Parenting will TEST you like nothing else, and you will fail repeatedly. Experience taught me that to be a good parent, you need to understand your own shit first: fears, anxieties, trauma, prejudices, flawed thinking, magical thinking, blind spots.... (I did not.) And you need strategies. (I had few.) Nevertheless, you will need to believe your influence has worth even when all the evidence says it means shit. And by the time you have all this knowledge and all these skills, they've already moved out.
So fellow regretful parents out there, chins up, okay? Because here's the more important thing: despite our own entangled feelings, our young adults still need us sometimes, and we better be ready.
32 comments:
You speak much truth. By the time we have at least some of the answers and too much of the experience, our children have grown and flown and are making the same mistakes. We practise on the first-born and the rest stumble along afterwards. Somehow, they survive.
You've got that right, Mr Stew. Parenting is a learning process and, looking back, we can always find ways we could've done differently and better. Always. Just like life in general!
...I have ADD and am dyslexic, life has been a challenge, but I'm stronger for it.
I do look back and cringe sometimes.
I chose not to have children. I was a mom to my sister after my mom died and it was so difficult. But I've had 2 moms. 2 very very different parenting styles. It makes a difference. This mom has regret and to me that just means love. She would have done better if she had known better. This would never happen to a bad parent. They wouldn't have guilt. So to me she's a good mom doing the best she can. I am certain her son understands.
When my daughter went to university and got an ADHD diagnosis, I recall taking her to the Dr with concerns - I was advised she should take more fish oil.
Codex: Another great post. Have something on the topic in draft. One never stops being a parent. Psychology is impossibly slow, then impedes the process. So its not your friend's fault. Info that many parents rely on comes from outdated books. I shudder when I look at old parenting methods.
We learn as we go.
As others have implied, there is no parenting manual. You make the job description up as you go along. I've had to make some amends to my grown children for some things I did when I didn't know any better.
I've been Mum to two boys and I know I have made loads of parenting mistakes, in fact we all went through some troubled times and there were a few regrets, but they were resilient and so was I and they have turned out to be pretty good young men.... well, not so young any more!
Great post! I never worried about being a perfect parent. My folks made a lot of "mistakes" too. I still loved them and figured it was my job to take responsibility for my life and further growth. She turned out just fine.
Looking back, it surprising, isn't it?
Yes, raising them is a lot like life's twists, but with them, the stakes seemed so much higher.
You sure are.
Thank you for the affirmation, kind sir.
Thank you for that mindset shift.
Hmm. So he was literally selling fish oil? Ha? Insert thinking-face emoji here.
Happy to hear this topic is in your drafts.
True, but I didn't know where we were going half the time, ha.
Me too. Thank you for this comment.
Mine are doing quite well too, thankfully.
Another mindset shifting comment. Thank you.
Codex: Emailed
Meant that I've been having similar thoughts on the issue. The draft has more to do with social media.
Yes, Parenting is hard.
I am fortunate that mine turned out as well as they have. They are far better humans than I equipped them to be.
I have many regrets about my parenting, but I did try. I know better now, so I do better. I hope I am a better parent to Jack than I was to his father.
Wished-for clairvoyance doesn't just apply to parenting. It would have saved me a ton of relationship heartache too.
The hardest part of parenting for me has been learning to step back and wait for them to need me as adults. If we’ve done a halfway decent job they’ll need us less. I try to remember that my mother always wished for more of my time but stood by patiently. I loved her dearly but rushed at my own life. I understand her so well now.
Love this post! My children are now adults and the transition from parenting littles to parenting grown children has been a little tricky for us. I totally needed to read this today. We are having our kitchen cabinets painted this week and my kids are going to come for dinner this weekend to see how they turned out. We are excited to see them! Thanks so much for sharing!!!
I raised a son with ADHD in the nineties and now I'm raising a grandson with ADHD in 2025. Things have changed, a lot, and I'm so thankful for that. Some things haven't changed though, the expectation of children sitting all day. We have to find a better way for these kids.
Most of us grow up to be reasonable adults, despite or maybe because of our parents. We're learning - and regretting! - all the time.
I raised Two Generations, I think it was harder on me physically to raise Grandchildren, but I was more experienced as Parenting by then, so from a Mental and Seasoned standpoint, better at it. We all have Parental regrets, but I tried not to take the Credit for their Accomplishments or the Blame for their Failures once they were Grown... and I lasted to get the last one Grown. Now, we have 3 Generations living under one Roof and Sharing Space here at our Forever Retirement Property and tho' we didn't expect that... it's working out better to have Multigenerational Living with Three different Generations. It has it's challenges, just like Parenting always did, but it's incredible Joys too. I was fortunate to have good Parents, sadly I know so many folks who didn't. And I tried hard to be a good Parent too... The Kids and the Grandkids we Raised say we were good Parents. We did some extreme Parenting, since there are Kiddos with Special Needs... and The Man required Caregiving whilst I was raising the Two Grandkids, so that was complicated, but, we managed. Love goes a long way.
I have a lot of regrets. I would be a better parent now than I was when I was actually raising kids. Well, raising *my own* kids, I'm still helping raise kids for other people.
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