Monday, August 1, 2011

The Bus Dream

There’s this dream I have. There are different versions but I call it the bus dream.

It’s a city bus. It’s big. It’s cumbersome. So many windows. Everyone can see.

There’s no one on it but me. Watching myself. Driving it.

And I’m  required to drive it. It’s my bus. I am responsible. It may appear empty to those who might be looking from the sidewalk (yet no one ever seems to be on the sidewalk anyway). But my bus is not empty. It’s filled with everything I am responsible for, everything I’m trying to manage.

And I’ve been driving this bus for so long.

Which explains why I get distracted and I forget how big the bus is. Truthfully though, I know how big the bus is. I don’t kid myself. This job is important: everything I’m absolutely steering in life is on this bus. I’ve just been driving it for a while. When a person drives something so immense, after so many years even it becomes small. And stupidly, one can forget. Or get complacent.

(Do not think this means I have ever truly grown comfortable driving this ten ton behemoth.)

So I’m driving down this street and I’m half way through some sort of cage before I even notice there is no possible way the bus can fit into this cage. Think of a cage like the construction cages they put below skyscrapers along the sidewalks; they narrow the passage and prevent pedestrians from being hit with a hammer (or other debris) and possibly to hide the new facade. It’s supposed to provide protection but anything could happen to someone who gets trapped in there. By someone. Or something. So the bus I’m driving, it’s plowing through this cage, (could someone be in there?!) and it’s cutting through the sides of the bus and I’m cutting through the cage and that’s when I realize I'm not. Nothing is happening. Nothing. There’s no sound, no scraping of metal on metal, no windows exploding as these objects collide because I’m driving through it like a ghost slipping through a solid wood door.

Finally I’m beyond the cage and it’s like I need to keep going and that’s when I recognize where I am: my old street, 1st Street West, in the town where I grew up. It’s a familiar place but it’s not home. And I’m shaking so badly so I crank that bus right and then I wake up like I’m choking.


Windsmoke. said...

You're on a journey to the dark side :-).

Laoch of Chicago said...

Anxiety dreams are always disquieting. I think you are struggling with the competing imperatives of being a responsible adult with a family and the fears of a random and chaotic word and the need to manage everything and everyone. Imagine a juggler juggling with fragile Christmas ornaments frantically trying to ensure that one of the precious baubles does not fall to the ground.

Or your subconscious could be struggling with something else. In the end the dream is never real, which is a great relief.

Alistair said...


I hate those nightmares where even though you know it's just a dream it's still frightning and because you know it's a dream you can choose to wake up, so you do, then after lying for a while you go back into the dream at exactly the same point you left it.

You could analyse this one of yours in many ways.

I'll just say I hope it's not a common occurence matey.......

Angela@BeggingTheAnswer said...

Reoccurring dreams are so weird. I sort of agree with Ailstair (above), I especially hate those dreams that you have so much that you know you're dreaming, and you know exactly what's going to happen next, but you can't stop having the dream.

Here's to some more peaceful nights.

Kev D. said...

I used to dream about being in a car and the brakes don't work. I had it every week.

I think it's probably something along the lines of what Laoch said, unless you recently watched 'Speed', because then you could just be having nightmares about being Keanu Reeves. Or Sandra Bullock.

dbs said...

@Windsmoke Feels like it.
@LoC Thank you for taking the time to write this. Insightful & helpful.
@Alistair Thankfully not too common matey. Thank you for everything you wrote.
@Angela Peace to you too.
@KevD Ha! Awesome. Sad Keanu. Or plucky Sandra Bullock? I'll take Sandra. (Thank you for writing this.)

Antares Cryptos said...

Ever tried changing the ending?
(I'm actually not kidding).

And *kick*

Teachinfourth said...

You might want to try getting a transfer. I've got tickets for the magic schoolbus...

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