?

This is what the text looks like when a 16 year old passes his driver's test....

...or maybe he had a seizure.

He's not home yet. I'll keep you posted.

#stayofftheroads

Things that deserve the stink-eye:

I'm sure there must be a very good reason why my wife put a couple of her bras on the backyard deck to, uh, sunbathe?

#butihavenoideawhatitis
#nevertellheribloggedaboutthis
#nevertell
#never
#shitwivesdo

Ready, Set, NO!

Last weekend, I attempted to do yard-work with my 16 year old son. Mistake. But not for the reasons you might think. Overall, he was very helpful. However....

First, he had to shovel dirt faster than I shoveled. (Somewhat amusing.) Then he had to crash his wheelbarrow into my wheelbarrow and try to knock it over. (I must admit I enjoyed this for a while.) But then he had to overhand fling the sledgehammer just to see how far he could fling it. And then...well suffice it to say I might be too old now to apprentice Thor's little brother in landscape design.

It's not just yard-work though. You should see the look in his eyes during anything physical now. I remember this high energy period in my own life. I know his body is constantly revving but I swear his brain contains it's own starter pistol, and some days, not much else.

Here's the worst part though, the part that really irks me. After all that manual labour, he wanted to play ball, go for a bike-ride and shoot hoops. Meanwhile, my hands were already so stiff from hammering rebar that I could barely fasten the button on my pants.

Yup. It's official. I'm basically 90 years old. And it's all his fault.

Some People

What for?

I tend to avoid people who gloat. Braggarts exhaust me. My immediate compulsion is to disappear. It's yet another circumstance where I would love a magic remote control so I could press the pause option and interrupt all that showboating thus allowing me to, uh, pull an (e)scapegloat.

What do people have to gloat about anyway? It's just not Canadian boring.

I only recall one sustained gloat-fest encounter from which I couldn't escape. Many years ago we invited some new neighbours over, a couple we thought we might have a lot in common with but had never socialized with before. After dinner we were talking about something, the women in one room, the men in another (as usual, sadly) when suddenly the gloater randomly asked me if I wanted to see his American Express gold card.

I laughed in his face.

This was followed by an short awkward pause during which I searched his eyes for some punch line and then with my questioning eyes I remember whispering "seriously?" Oddly, he was not at all phased by my reaction. So what's a guy to do when confronted with some weird-ass dominance hierarchy scenario in his very own living room? Being poor and completely disinterested in this sort of posturing and clearly happy to be the beta male in this situation, I shrugged my shoulders and nodded as he opened his wallet. I recall chuckling somewhat still wondering if he was just messing with me. But nope. He was indeed serious, obviously blinded by some sort of clinical case of "gloatitis," because after the exalted card was held up like the Lion King he then provided, verbally, an itemized list of purchases, the insane cost of his wife's engagement ring, blah, blah, blah....

Yup. That was the first time I met Donald Trump. *wink* I realize now he may have pissed on one of my trees before he left my yard that night. Anyway, we didn't invite them over again after that. My wife and I don't enjoy gloat-cheese.

Here's an idea: instead of a gloat button, why not a whoop-whoop button? There's nothing wrong with celebrating one's accomplishments but as the saying goes, "flattery is all right as long as you don't inhale."

Things that deserve the stink-eye:

awesome things that deserve the stink-eye!

#garagesale
#iffatbastardhadastool

Wordfuse (Prank Edition)

Take a shenanigander at what's in your mailbox Grant. Looks important.

#hahahahahahahahah
#gotcha
#wishiwouldhavethoughtofthis
#loveshenanigans

Things one should never outgrow:

drinking chocolate milk right out of the carton.






















#shhhh
#donttellmywife
#bighonkincontainerofmilk
#teenboysdrinkalotofmilk
#cometopapa

Wordfuse (Think Again Edition)

This is what I think we should call it when we fail to see (or choose not to see) what an excellent opportunity a negative experience can be and thus miss or dismiss a chance to grow and change.

Farmers need a fix?

I think my mother-in-law needs an intervention, a texting intervention.

#damnyouautocorrect
#whengrandparentstext
#freakingcoldout

?

Redrum?

Is it just me or does the hallway in the hotel I'm currently staying in suspiciously resemble the hotel in The Shining?

#gulp