Friday, January 29, 2016

Shoehorned?

Writer David Gerrold said, “Half of being smart is knowing what you’re dumb at.” It’s one of my all-time favourite quotes. There are so many things I’m dumb at. Some examples:

1.       Parking.
2.       Answering the phone.
3.       Opening vehicle hoods.
4.       Selfies. (How does everyone know where to look?)
5.       Not eating.

And 6,453 other things. But I had no idea I was dumb at shoehorns. And then I got some new shoes. Swanky ones. Anyway, my wife (waiting at the door to leave so we can attend something not at our house which is pretty much the only place I like to attend during evenings) saw my struggle and, brow furrowed, swooped in to help me, aka take over. Suddenly, she was on the floor and my shoe still wasn’t on and we were having one of those husband-wife “discussions” that waver hazardously on the tipping point between laughter and rage.

This is pretty much how it went down:

Me: There’s something wrong with these shoes.
The wife: (shakes head, smiles) There’s something wrong with you.
M: There’s something wrong with YOU.
TW: YOU.
M: I have a solution. Let’s stay home.
TW: (makes the face) No.
M: It was worth a try. I can’t help it if one of my feet is bigger than the other.
TW: What? Since when?
M: I don’t know; feet are feet. One gained weight.
TW: Just USE the shoe horn.
M: I’ve never used a shoe horn before. Shoehorns are for old people.
TW: YES they are for old people who can’t put their shoes on!
M: (crushing the heel)
TW: (unprintable things)
After three attempts…
TW: USE the shoe horn.
M: (more heel crushing which only enflames my wife’s agony since she loves loves loves shoes) Why won’t it work?
TW: (looks at me like I’m a stop sign that says go)

At this point we can’t stop laughing. My shoe is outsmarting us. It’s like we’re playing shoe Twister.

M: I’ll just wear other shoes?
TW: (Doubly determined. Finally. Something. Works.)
M: (I so want to make a joke that starts with “if the shoehorn fits” but we’re late and the air feels prickly.)

Later, I shared this story with my hardware-store guy and he says this: “maybe you can learn how to use a shoehorn on YouTube?” So we googled it. AND YOU CAN, which also means I’m not the only one dumb at shoe-horns. See folks: we’re all dumb at something, until we’re not. It's a choice. Choose. 

4 comments:

Vinny C said...

Among other things, I'm stupid at conversations. They are the bane of my existence & I've never figured them out. I recently noticed that I'm focused on trying to get away from the person who's speaking to me I end up racing through my words & often running out of breath while I'm at it.

Always a good look.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Maybe you need one of those really LONG shoehorns that super old people use so they don't have to bend over.

The Defiant Marshmallow said...

If the shoehorn fits....
Love that!

CorvusCorax12 said...

ha ha, love shoehorns and shoes ;)

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