Friday, July 10, 2015

Blink

I've been struggling to write. And to read. Begin my July projects. Master something. Create something new. Relax. It's the starting. The struggle is to start. I keep dismissing the start. I'm doing it again right now.

I have no more and no less hours each day than every other person on Earth. So what's the deal? Starting. Starting is the problem.

Above my desk is a sticky note, a reminder: after a devastating stroke, Jean-Dominique Bauby wrote his memoirs using only his left eye. Blink after blink. Wow. Considering this, how could I possibly whine for one more second?

And yet, I still can't start. I think it's doubt. Honestly. Self-doubt. Does everyone forget sometimes how to start? I was surprised when I found myself in the kitchen today to cook. There was a time when I cooked every night but I can't recall, before today, the last thing I cooked.

I made rice. I chopped onions. I toasted peanuts. I made a salad dressing. Added together, they made a meal. I guess that's something at least.

Recently my wife gave me a leather-bound journal. It's a beautiful thing to someone like me. The paper is hand-made, the binding hand-stitched. A note inside from the artist suggests using the book as "my personal book of wisdom." I like that idea. I'd like to draw in it too. And yet, I can't start. And I'm worried I will somehow ruin it.

There's that self-doubt again.

Like Bauby, I must figure out how to begin again. What other choice is there? And I will choose. I know I will. One blink at a time. I just did. I guess that's something.

7 comments:

Geo. said...

I usually leave the first page blank, date it, and proceed to page 2. Problem solved.

Blogoratti said...

Hope you find yourself again soon, best wishes!

Angelina Pratt said...

Bravo! And yet... you wrote this blog post! #done #seetheobvious :)

Mel said...

I often find there are one of two reasons I get stuck. One, and most prominent in my current life, I don't prioritize my writing. Two, I make it too precious. Did you ever read Stephen Kings book "On Writing"? He talks about the pressure of having a big fancy desk and how it froze him up. He did better at the table in the corner. I've never done well with formal journals - though I also love them - for this same reason. I'm afraid my fumbling will ruin their perfection. I always do best when I just let it rip, whatever it is, even if it stays forever in draft form on blogger.

Michael Burrows said...

You need to suffer more. But you're not alone.

dbs said...

@Michael Truth.

Nubian said...

Sometimes you just need to leap. Don't overthink it. Pick up that pen. Let it flow. :-)

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