Saturday, May 4, 2013

Things one should outgrow:

the way you thought it would turn out.

There's this overwhelming desire in me today to rent a bobcat and tear up my backyard. Start over. Maybe the front yard too.

I really need a bobcat. Who doesn't? Scrape it all away. See the surface again and see what sort of inspiration comes up with the earthworms. And yes, this is a metaphor, mostly.

I have to figure this out. I have to figure out why I'm so angry one minute and so apathetic the next? And why I can barely write anymore. I know who I am so why do I have to explain it to myself again?

But I'm tired. I'm tired of the earth beneath my feet. It's not solid is it? And that's what I'm really feeling I think: fear.

But I know about insolidity. It's like opening pop that's dropped from the counter-top to the floor. This should not be a big deal. Yet I need to close my eyes before I do everything. I mean, come on, I thought I was generally done with being pathetic. I thought all my experiences and challenges and this resilient skin I've grown would get me from point A to point G since B&C&D&E&F punched me in the throat (maybe once or twice in the balls too). And yet I don't even know why I say it's pathetic. I wouldn't tell any of my friends that this sort of conflict is pathetic. It's human. It is. Isn't it?

It's mental health. I'll just say it. Grief? Is that what it is? Still? But hasn't enough time passed to feel normal again? Haven't there been enough laughs and enough TV shows and milk chocolate and a mountain top in Sicily with my son and enough distractions and enough concentration on work and enough enoughness to get me back to where I was last August before....

Before.

My big brother would not be impressed with this. At all. He was a do-er. All my thinker-type behaviour doesn't get things done. As I said in my brother's eulogy, "All my life I've been trying to match his courage." And that's exactly what I need, I think. I need to muster more courage today. I need to reacquaint myself with this shaky earth beneath my feet again and to get some shit done (as my brother would have said too). Even when I'm scared and angry and tired and aching and grieving.

And that's why, that's why, over the last few days, I keep hearing the words of one of my favourite poems in my head (from Truth by James Hearst): "How the devil do I know if there are rocks in your field? Plow it and find out."

And that, I guess, is what I just did.

7 comments:

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Grief can take a long, long time. Hugs to you.

susie said...

"And why I can barely write anymore.".

Well, I think you just did.

Bonnie said...

There is not a timetable for grief, you can't just shake your head and say get over it. Don't judge yourself for feeling and having emotions good and bad. That's normal, it would be far more unusual to not grieve. Although you may not see it, you are dealing with your grief by recognizing it and reflecting on it. Take your time. Hugs

Alittlesprite said...

(hug)
I feel the same. It's like you just wrote down my thoughts.

Vinny C said...

I know exactly what you mean. I hate when there's a "thing" weighing on me somewhere in the back of my mind, keeping me from feeling settled & solid. But we all just have to work through those from time to time, I guess. You will too, at your own pace. I know it.

On a side note, I had to request a new capcha to submit my comment, The first word was impossible to read & the second was "optician". Way to pass the blame, Blogger.

Antares Cryptos said...

I think I may be joining your new club. Think it's called life-altering moments.
Or insomnia.

Good raw writing.

Michael Burrows said...

This is pretty much a direct line to your soul. That takes guts too.

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