Sunday, January 6, 2013

Things that deserve the stink-eye:

a closed toilet lid.

Girls: you definitely have every right to find it inconsiderate when men leave the toilet seat up. Absolutely. I don't do that. But therefore, I must insist that you never, NEVER, close the toilet lid. Why? I would like to share a story, a story with some of the details missing because, well, it's one of those stories.

Here's the thing: it's the middle of the night. Sometimes a guy needs to pee. But here's the other thing: even though he needs to pee he doesn't want to. His bed is toasty and warm and soft and if any of us had our way we'd never leave that bed. Am I right? Anyway, this means the middle-of-the-night-pee must occur as quickly as possible and in such a way that sleep is so minimally disturbed he will barely remember the trip to the toilet in the morning. I am going to say I am successfully able to do this 98% of the time. How? I don't turn on that glaring bathroom light from hell. Therefore, in this situation, I must sit to pee.

Now this in itself is an entire other post. I won't get into it much here but some guys do indeed sit to pee. In a somewhat drunken conversation with a group a guys once, certain information was revealed and then never, ever discussed again. Therefore I feel 8-out-of-9 guys confident that some other men can relate to this. On what do I base my pea-brained statistic? One of the guys in that drunken conversation said he will never, ever, ever sit to pee but the other eight, including myself, choose that option sometimes (even in the daytime). No judgment. So, if you've managed to follow my blathering here, you probably know where this is going. So let's go there (kinda). When a guy must in-the-dark, middle-of-the-night-sit-down-pee, he never expects the toilet lid to be closed. And when it is...let's just say some things should not be
a)squished
b)scrunched
c)mashed
d)compressed
e)flattened and
f'n)all of the above.

#whoa
#ouch
#seriousouch
#hardtosleepafterthat
#someonehadtosayit

9 comments:

Mel said...

An excellent point my friend. I'm marking it down.

wendy said...

ha ha....Now that's a different perspective. so funny
Oh How I hate getting our of my warm snuggly bed, in the cold of night to go to the bathroom.
BUT HEY...OUR TOILET SEAT IS HEATED !!!!! sooooo nice.

anyway, I'll have to give that some thought, for my husbands sake, who at 65 (almost) does like to sit and pee.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Oh, those poor boys!

Windsmoke. said...

Its even worse when the lid is down and you don't realize it because you're still half asleep and want to pee standing up makes a real mess indeed.

Adam said...

My mom once fell in the toilet once in the middle of the night. They complain that it doesn't take any effort to close the lid, but somehow it's harder to look before you sit.

Jeremy Bates said...

Well, I suppose in some ways those barbarians of old had an advantage in that they had a chamber pot nearby.

The Defiant Marshmallow said...

This definitely went in a direction I wasn't expecting. Thought for sure there would end up being a description of the sound of liquid striking a plastic surface and splattering all over.

Which, technically, would not be as funny as the squishing which actually occurred.

And don't think that I'm simply laughing at the misfortune of a fellow guy. Because it's absolutely not a simple laugh. It's a full-on guffaw.

Sorry. I never grew up.

You have my sympathy though.

A Lady Reveals Nothing said...

I have to close the lid because I am terrified that something might inadvertently fall IN it, like a phone or a wallet or a bottle of perfume...and also, it's a widely known fact among the OCD populace that flushing releases millions of tiny poop particles into the atmosphere, which all land squarely on your toothbrush.

Jim said...

I support you 100% on this dbs!! I think the older a man gets it is much safer for all concerned if he sits to pee as much as possible! But, as we all know, this 'act' can be completely unpredictable at times!! lol

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