Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Things one should never outgrow:

My tractor made of one bolt and some nuts.
I think it's cool.
(I could be wrong.)
kitschy crap.

Isn't this the whole point of Pinterest?

(I kinda think it's only a matter of time until a miniaturized version of Angelina Jolie's right leg will be available for purchase.)

#ikindawantone
#attentionhoarders:yourstuffiscraptoo

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Wordfuse (Oscars Edition)

It's inspiring to witness someone's dream come true. This might be part of the appeal of the Oscars.


It's not so inspiring when an actor's dream accomplishment is overshadowed by cosmetic surgery gone so awry that one watching is moved to fuse the words surgery and REALLY?

#whoa
#notfoolinganyone
#remembertothankyourdoctor
#poordeludedmickeyrourke
#imagineseth&amysayingit

Friday, February 24, 2012

Sometimes

The Phantom Wagon by Salvador Dali
Sometimes a book grips me. By the throat. While I'm sleeping.

I'm reading Blood Meridian by Pulitzer prize winner Cormac McCarthy. There are scenes in this book that I can't get out of my head, and I wish I could. But that's only because they're terrifying. A bloody wedding veil. An broken ailing horse shaking its head, kept alive for who knows what heinous motive. Thinking about these scenes again, I feel the need to look over my shoulder at that desert of darkness behind us all, the one we only wish were empty.

I might not sleep much tonight but I can't stop.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Things that deserve the stink-eye:

Soup is good. I love vegetarian food. Therefore I make veggie soup. Lots. But why do these all-vegetable bouillon cubes need to be marketed as "chicken style?"

This reminds me of vegetarian hot dogs. Or vegetarian chicken wings. Why waste your vegetarian time making vegetarian food look like non-vegetarian food? I don't get it.

#weird
#odd
#stumped
#passiveaggressivevegetarianism
#ormaybeitisanartform?

Monday, February 20, 2012

This is not happening.

Dashboard gobbledygook from this helpful website.
So I was driving along a remote stretch of highway when my radio blinked this message: OIL CHANGE DUE NEXT SERVICE. And then the oil light came on. And then all these lights seared into my brain. And then I began to have my usual this-vehicle-is-likely-about-to-explode-inner-anxiety-attack.

So like I always do in these situations, I just continued driving.

Before I elaborate further, dear reader, I must say, I don't blame you if you're already pre-judging me but in my defense I will say I've never been one of those typical guys who understands/is fascinated by/falls in love with vehicles (except for the hubcaps, those are cool and remind me of all the matchbox cars I had when I was a kid). I must also inform you that my father was a mechanic and when he discovered my uh, disability aka my complete ineptitude in all matters mechanical, he would just shake his head, shake his head, shake his head and even though I was ten when I discovered how deeply this disappointed him, I still feel that shame hit me in the face like a pail of water every time I'm forced to problem-solve vehicle issues thus the aforementioned inner-anxiety-attack. Plus, if you only knew how many vehicles I wrecked when I was a kid using the just-keep-driving strategy and how many times my father just shook his head, shook his head, shook his head (barely mumbling swear words) then you'd know just how immobilized and irrational a broke-down vehicle situation makes me.

Anyway, now that I've overshared, despite experience teaching me otherwise, I continued with the just-keep-driving strategy while these thoughts bounced around my pea-brain:
  1. This is not happening.
  2. This is not happening.
  3. This is not happening (this was my go-to phrase for vehicle break-downs until I finally started buying vehicles that were manufactured in the current decade and considering I bought this sweet little car just a few months ago this should not be happening).
  4. This is not happening.
  5. I just had the oil changed last week.
  6. Why isn't there smoke coming out of the hood yet?
  7. Did someone forget to put the plug back in the oil pan? But that was a week ago.
  8. This is not happening.
  9. *continues to drive*
  10. Nothing is happening.
  11. Nothing seems to be wrong. DO NOT THINK RATIONALLY.
  12. I'm in the middle of nowhere.
  13. I think there might be bears out in those trees.
  14. And they're laughing at me.
  15. Where are my brothers when I need them? Oh right, they have their own lives, and I'm a grown man.
  16. This is probably not happening.
  17. I should stop and check the oil.
  18. I don't want to.What if the car won't start afterward?
  19. *pulls over near someone's home along the highway* I bet hillbillies live here.
  20. This is just like this.
  21. If I phone my wife will she call me a wiener? *texts wife*
  22. This vehicle is full of oil. WTF?
  23. *waits for the hillbillies to saunter down the road with their pick-axes and dental tools*
  24. *wife texts me that the garage forgot to reset the oil change warning after they changed the oil last week*
  25. *eats everything in my lunch kit as I drive home*

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Things that deserve the stink-eye:

Maybe I'm judging too quickly. Perhaps this is not a fortune cookie fail; perhaps there's some hidden message? Here's my thought process:

1. Who are the "people?"
2. What are they trying to do?
3. Whose "thing" is referenced here?
4. Why do the "people" lack motivation?
5. What does this infer about the future?
6. Did Yoda write this?
7. Is Dr. Seuss involved? (Thing 1?)
8. What happened to Thing 2?
9. Is this some sort of hooked on phonics advertising campaign?
10. Is it just me or does this make complete sense when I imagine Sofia Vergara saying it?

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Just in case...

you didn't get a valentine today, don't worry: the kids at the post office love us all.

#thereislotsofloveintheworld
#mostdays
#rememberthat
#rememberthistoo

Monday, February 13, 2012

Things that deserve the stink-eye:

?
Guess what this is.

A bag of puke? Nope.

Play-doh gone bad? Nope.

That bag of yeasty goop that people inexplicably gift to others to make friendship bread? Nope.

It's celery.

We found it one of our teen's rooms. Frick.

I call it snackteria.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Wordfuse









Think feebleminded but just for guys, aka what my wife's facial expression says every time I
a. can't find stuff she immediately finds right where she told me to look for it.
b. try to talk to her when she's on the phone.
c. buy clothes I don't try on.
d. all of the above and fill-in-the-blank and so on and so forth.

But you know what? Women can be quite sheebleminded.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Let's be honest.

Okay guys, just a heads up: when a group of ladies want the window open, then damn well leave the window open, or else. 

(Or else they will put up a sign and stare at you and things will just get awkward.)

#womandate
#strestrogen

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Things that deserve the stink-eye:

Sometimes, when you have teenagers, one finds unusual things in the garbage can. Hmm.

#oneofmyfriendsbroughtthat
#sure
#atleastrecycle

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Three Sentence Story


     For his ninth birthday my son's grandparents gave him a trip in a small four-seater plane and the pilot told him he was allowed to take one person with him. He looked at each of us and finally chose his big sister.
     Both my kids were on that plane.

Trifecta's at it again. This time the task was to create a story in three sentences. I'm enjoying these flash fiction challenges because they're so hard. It seems there are so many things to consider when less is more.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Things that are definitely the devil:

Whymewhymewhymewhyme?
Image from here.
kidney stones.

#notme
#someoneelse
#theypassthroughyourpenis?!
#NOMOMMYNO!
#brutal
#childbirthequivalentformen
#itrynottothinkabouthis
#ican'tstopthinkingabouthis
#imadeyoucringeibet
#sorry

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Dear Fellow Shopper,

Evil.
I was attempting not to make eye contact with anyone at the shopping cart corral in the grocery store parking lot today but when you noticed that I seemed unable to even begin to fathom how to use the insert coin and do something with the chain thingamawhatinthehellisgoingon doodad system to obtain a shopping cart, I would have preferred that you offered me some assistance instead of smirking and then rushing back to your car to text your girlfriends that some husband using the grocery store for the first time couldn't get a cart because he's a total knob (and stop judging me okay because I'm not the usual grocery store shopper in my family and I never go to stores with carts manufactured by the devil without my wife so she always does this part and indeed I've never admitted to her that I am incapable of using this insert coin and do something with the chain thingamawhatinthehellisgoingon doodad system) meanwhile I tried to yank that cart off the chain (creating a series of ripple effects and aftershocks heard by shoppers everywhere instinctively reaching down to turn their children's eyes away from the nutbar going ape on the shopping carts) instead of admit I'm a feckless twit to the 14 year old cart boy playing runaway train all over the parking lot so of course I did NOT ask for help even when it wouldn't spit my money back out and thus I finally gave up, stomped into the grocery store and began juggling oranges, apples, a jalapeno pepper, bananas, onions, asparagus, three boxes of greek yogurt, a container of lemon juice, an aero bar and some tic-tacs down aisle after aisle until I finally gave the cashier at that store my money and let's be honest, a good laugh when the staff reviews the video surveillance tapes at a future staff party like we all know they do.

Signed,
The Guy who lost his $1 coin and his Dignity today at the Grocery Store
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