Thursday, November 10, 2011

Things that deserve the stink-eye:

Not exactly bubblegum.
Image from here.
I remembered. It has to do with my son.

When my son was a toddler the grown ups were drinking discoursing in the other room when suddenly we heard him scream. Not the regular I'm-a-superhero-wannabe scream or even the I-rarely-ever-play-with-that-anymore-but-hey-neighbour-kid-now-that-you're-enjoying-it-I-want-to-play-with-it-again-because-IT'S-MINE scream. This was the real thing.

We ran down the hall to his room and discovered him with a mouth full of blood. Oh great, I thought, he knocked out a tooth. (We had already been through this with his older sister.) So we asked him to show us his teeth. He stopped bawling and complied. All teeth were accounted for. Hmm. My wife gently felt around his mouth but nothing seemed to be bleeding on the outside. All his teeth were intact and his lips weren't bleeding so where was all the blood coming from? And then my wife asked him to stick out his tongue.

Whoa.

I don't remember much after that except thinking HOSPITAL NOW HOSPITAL NOW. The image is, however, microwaved into my brain. It was like someone had unzipped his tongue and thus he had two mini-tongues, or one tongue split down the middle.

Cut to the doctor. He did not recommend stitches. He said it would heal on it's own. You're shitting me, I thought, He's ruined. What future could he possibly have now? Reality TV?

But it did. It healed. Overnight.

Whoa again.

He has a scar now. (A little Harry Potter-like but without the British accent.) No long-term damage.

But it still disturbs me. I've always felt that most tongues I've seen, in fact all tongues, are generally disturbing. Because let's face it, tongues are odd. By odd I mean ugly. Seriously ugly. Like raw meat ugly. Musician John Mayer may have crafted a memorable song with his mention of her "bubble gum tongue," but in reality, no one, NO ONE wants to look at your tongue. Okay, maybe the doctor. But likely not her either.

Now this brings me to the most disturbing thing about my aversion to tongues. As some grinputters noted in this post, DO NOT GOOGLE TONGUE INFORMATION. DO NOT. Especially this.

19 comments:

karensomethingorother said...

dbs, haven't you heard me mention about reading the tongue section of the medical guide? Ga-ross.

How did your son injure his tongue??? What happened? The horror! Yeah, tongues are gross. On my favourite Scandinavian cooking show (gross food) Andreas was deep frying some battered COD TONGUES. Yeah! An appetizer to go with beer!

Yech.

Mel said...

Okay, I have so many reactions to this post. One, I nearly spit out my lunch when I read your reaction to the tongue split was, "He's ruined." So funny in an only parents understand kind of way. Two, I recommend leaving more than one word on your post-its going forward. Three, I unfortunately clicked on your link while finishing up the aforementioned lunch. Mistake.

Pickleope said...

I don't think I'm going to make-out with anyone...ever again. His tongue may not be ruined but the mental alfresco you painted in my brain has ruined me.
And of course I did what you told us not to do as you knew we would.

Sub-Radar-Mike said...

That's one good thing about mouth/face injuries, they heal really fast.

Al Penwasser said...

Okay, I clicked on the link. You knew i would, didn't you?
Too bad about that dude's "Tongue" costume, though. I'm guessing they were all out of the clown, mummy, zombie, Green Hornet, or the Anthony Weiner ones, huh?

Windsmoke. said...

Does he now speak with forked tongue? :-).

Alittlesprite said...

Didn't I tell you to NOT google the tongue things? didn't I??

Reminds me of the time my son knocked out like, three teeth at once, blood everywhere, big fat purple lip, it was horrid. Luckily they were baby teeth so none are missing today.

Nubian said...

Hence the post it note right?

Rubye Jack said...

No googling of tongues from me. I really do not want to know anything about them I don't already know about those weird little things. Weird.

Regardless, I'm glad your son is alright.

Chelle said...

Scrotal Tongue!! *panics and runs into the wall*

Kady Hexum said...

I kept waiting for something to be about hot dogs in this post, because the man in the photo looks like he's wearing a hot dog costume.

At first glance.

So, this must be why you had that sticky note!?!?! Mystery solved!

Homemaker Man said...

I clicked it. I really effing clicked it. Jeez.

I'm sorry to be inappropriately curious, but how did that happen? I feel like a bite would be horizontal across the tongue. P

Vinny C said...

Now it all makes sense... I think.

P.S. I clicked on the link. WHY, OH WHY, DO I ALWAYS CLICK ON THE LINK!?!

paulsifer42 said...

I thought you were going to say he bit his sibling... what does this say about me?

Alistair said...

Oh wow......

You really DID mean 'don't google tongue information' didn't you. Why didn't you say that???????

dbs said...

I really do apologize.
And as for how my son split his tongue vertically, we still have no idea and he was too young to remember.

Charlie Pulsipher said...

I'm so glad my tongue is normal!!

Michael said...

That's cool. How did the doc know tha? It must happen lots or maybe he read about it in his tongue textbook.

I love the tongue. Most fabulous group of muscles in the body.

Karen Peterson said...

Some people think feet are the ugliest, grossest thing, but I totally think it's tongues. NO ONE has a cute tongue because they DO NOT EXIST.

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