|Just like my showdown|
Before I phoned, I chatted on their website with "Marites B." Like me, you might wonder, why the B? What are the odds that there were two ladies named Marites working there? Doubtful. I pushed this extraneous thought away (as well as a nagging feeling that I was chatting with an inmate in orange coveralls named Larry) and explained that I had received a flyer from one of their competitors offering a MAJOR deal.
Marites B didn't seem impressed.
[cue theme music from Clint Eastwood's The Good, the Bad, & the Ugly]: "I am prepared to CANCEL my satellite service." OH YES I SAID THAT. YES. I. DID. MARITES B! CHECKMATE!
A disconcerting three minutes later Marites B finally responded with this:
"To cancel your TV services, please call 1 888 bla-blah...."
So I explained to Marites B just how this was going down but I communicated in question form because I'm tricky like that: "So are you saying you don't have any special offers? You're suggesting I go with another service provider?"
Marites B: "No. Only the loyalty department can match the offers [sic] that was given to you."
The loyalty department? WTH? They have a loyalty department?
(I was suddenly reminded of the time, as a young man, I braved getting stabbed to enter a skeevy bar to purchase off-sale beer and so I nervously skulked may way through the drunks to the counter and asked for a 24-case but the grizzled bartender made no reply, only pointed to the other end of the bar so I slinked over to where he pointed and five seconds later the same man moved to that location and said, "What the f#!& duh-ya want?").
So I phoned their 1-888 number but this covert "loyalty department" wasn't among the automated voice choices until I swear that it remarked, "You're still on the phone? Fine. Press 5 for all other inquiries aka the secret loyalty department."
Suddenly, a groggy voice: "Hello. My name is Shannon.
Ten minutes later, my bill was lower, I had more TV channels, an HDTV/PVR receiver and a better deal than the other satellite company plus one nagging thought: why is all this awesomeness happening to me?!
(There may or may not have been hopping at this point. Just sayin'.)
And now you too know about the shhhh-secret-hidden-in-the-basement-with-only-one-phone-loyalty-department. You know what this means right? Go. Kick. Some. TV. Ass. Peeps. Meanwhile, I will be contacting Michael Moore.