Thursday, May 5, 2011

Secret Departments?

Just like my showdown
(except not).
Based on this recent and shockingly unexpected outcome, I felt inspired to continue my phone-the-service-provider-rampage. So I contacted my satellite TV company.

Before I phoned, I chatted on their website with "Marites B." Like me, you might wonder, why the B? What are the odds that there were two ladies named Marites working there? Doubtful. I pushed this extraneous thought away (as well as a nagging feeling that I was chatting with an inmate in orange coveralls named Larry) and explained that I had received a flyer from one of their competitors offering a MAJOR deal.

Marites B didn't seem impressed.

[cue theme music from Clint Eastwood's The Good, the Bad, & the Ugly]: "I am prepared to CANCEL my satellite service." OH YES I SAID THAT. YES. I. DID. MARITES B! CHECKMATE!


A disconcerting three minutes later Marites B finally responded with this:
"To cancel your TV services, please call 1 888 bla-blah...."


So I explained to Marites B just how this was going down but I communicated in question form because I'm tricky like that: "So are you saying you don't have any special offers? You're suggesting I go with another service provider?"

Marites B: "No. Only the loyalty department can match the offers [sic] that was given to you."

The loyalty department? WTH? They have a loyalty department?

(I was suddenly reminded of the time, as a young man, I braved getting stabbed to enter a skeevy bar to purchase off-sale beer and so I nervously skulked may way through the drunks to the counter and asked for a 24-case but the grizzled bartender made no reply, only pointed to the other end of the bar so I slinked over to where he pointed and five seconds later the same man moved to that location and said, "What the f#!& duh-ya want?").

So I phoned their 1-888 number but this covert "loyalty department" wasn't among the automated voice choices until I swear that it remarked, "You're still on the phone? Fine. Press 5 for all other inquiries aka the secret loyalty department."

Suddenly, a groggy voice: "Hello. My name is Shannon. How did you get this number? No one is supposed to know about this number. I bet Marites B screwed up again and told you we have a loyalty department. FRICK! NO ONE IS SUPPOSED TO KNOW ABOUT THE LOYALTY DEPARTMENT! How may I help you?"

Ten minutes later, my bill was lower, I had more TV channels, an HDTV/PVR receiver and a better deal than the other satellite company plus one nagging thought: why is all this awesomeness happening to me?!

(There may or may not have been hopping at this point. Just sayin'.)

And now you too know about the shhhh-secret-hidden-in-the-basement-with-only-one-phone-loyalty-department. You know what this means right? Go. Kick. Some. TV. Ass. Peeps. Meanwhile, I will be contacting Michael Moore.


The Defiant Marshmallow said...

Bravo! You give us all hope, once again scoring for the little guys!

jono said...

Deebs I wonder if you fancy a trip to the UK? I could do with a few bills being lowered and more services being given out for nothing. I have now come to see you as the Red Adare (no wait, better still, the A-Team) of the service provider world.

If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find him under all that snow, maybe you can hire...

Chicken said...

Way to get things done, DBS. You know, you could probably make a living out of this. I would pay, GLADLY pay, someone like you to be my utilities advocate.

Vinny C said...

I bet Shannon is actually Marites C. They decided to go with a name change to hide the fact that they're using clones for their employees.

Laoch of Chicago said...

Fighting the good fight. I really should do this too, with the US equivalent evil Cable company.

Munk said...

I knew it. This proves corporations do have egos.

Antares Cryptos said...

Yes. Can I hire you too?
The only free service I've received recently is that my messages are automatically deleted if I don't pick them up within 24 hours.

Didn't even have to sign up for it.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Right on! Okay, now go take on the tax department. I dare you!

Nicole said...

Promise me you won't call your Internet provider. I don't think you should tempt fate. It could get dangerous.

Oilfield Trash said...

That is awesome!!!!

wendy said...

YOU have a way with people.
I had to cancel our internet service and their freaking "loyalty department" as THEY were not user friendly
or nice
or helpful
of smart
or knew what their left hand was doing from the right.
Oh yeah....I had a list of names.

Windsmoke. said...

Your on a roll keep going try something else before your luck runs out :-).

Alittlesprite said...

They say it runs in threes... or is that bad luck..?

I don't know, You're on a roll anyway. Go buy a heap of candy with competitions on them. :P

Jules said...

Well, bless you! It is so very difficult to seek the truth of the TV God's.
I have found myself in line to return the whole damn stack of boxes and quit cable for good!
We have a monopoly where I live, so the deals are few and far between...
Good work!

karensomethingorother said...

That bartender story was HI-larious. So what's with all this fabulous luck? That's awesome. Perhaps the universe is still in good balance because I get all the shitey shite luck.

dbs said...

@TheDM Yes!
@jono I do fancy a trip to the UK. Someday....
@Chicken That's actually an amazing idea.
@VinnyC Ha! Clever.
@LoC Try it. Slay them with your amazing vocabulary.
@Munk Ha!
@AC Annoying, eh?
@DSWS Best not mess with the tax department.
@Nicole I promise. That does sound reckless.
@OT Yup.
@wendy Thank you for saying that but this recent success is the exception in my experience, not the rule. I feel for you.
@Windsmoke Hmmm. Lottery tickets. Huh. Can't be bothered.
@sprite What is candy with competitions? As usual, you intrigue me.
@Jules So glad to hear from you. I went for a year without TV and it was actually pretty cool.
@karen Thanks for helping me out. I'm sure I will return the favour soon.

Nicki said...

You are a warrior, my friend. A WARRIOR.

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