Saturday, December 4, 2010

Things that are most likely the devil:

So tired.
     Why do so many people complain about sleeplessness? Depending on one’s life span, we sleep about one third of our lives away, possibly up to 25 years?! This just proves what I now believe: sleeping is overrated. What a waste of time! And so unproductive too. I’ve decided that this is the reason why I barely sleep anymore. Folks, I’m just trying to boost my efficiency.
     There’s plenty to do. So much to accomplish. Why not complete tasks until one or two in the morning? Why not get started at five o’clock in the morning? I do. I’ve hardly slept for the past three nights and this has enabled me to accomplish a variety of things:

1. I remember cooking a meal at 6:30 a.m.
2. There was a third thing but I can’t remember what it was.

     Here’s my hypothesis: we are hardwired to be up in the middle of the night. Babies instinctively know this. Babies recognize they can accomplish all their goals beginning right after midnight until whenever the hell they want. It’s genius.
     Oh, sure. Those wacky scientists claim sleep deprivation has negative effects:

1. nausea and headaches.
2. hallucinations.
3. tremors and rapid involuntary rhythmic eye movement.
4. irritability or more severe reactions such as temper tantrums.
5. obesity.
6. clumsiness and ability impairment.
7. slowed word recall and other memory lapses.
And wait for it....
8. yawning.

     Since I stopped sleeping I haven’t noticed any of these so called symptoms or side-effects. No tripping. No nausea. Headaches—who doesn’t have those every day anyway? No hallucinations. (Okay, one. But it turned out to be a garbage can in someone’s front yard. And it was dark.)  Tremors. None. Eye twitching? I prefer to call that eyelid exercise. No irritability. Okay sometimes. People need to just leave my root beer alone OKAY?  Obesity? No comment. Ability impairment? Well no tripping anyway. (Did I say that already?) And I rarely drive so this is not a problem and it is just a coincidence that I couldn’t insert the key in my doorknob yesterday. Slow word recall because memory lapse of the of the of the

     Where am I?

16 comments:

Laoch of Chicago said...

As someone who never sleeps I fear that your hypothesis while imaginative is sadly wrong.

jono said...

Superb!

I can relate to much of that as I am a terrible sleeper. Unless it is during an important meeting. Then it seem it is the only thing I am capable of.

Nicole said...

And funnily enough, I'm sitting here trying to finish a Christmas carol song parody for the blog and fantasizing about a nap.

Vinny C said...

Someone said once, "I'll sleep when I'm dead." I can't remember who... or or what else I was going to say but I'm inclined to agree.

Alittlesprite said...

I long for sleep. It doesnt hurt when I'm asleep.

Artist and Geek said...

LOL.
Just a reminder: Your son needs new boots, you've forgotten your passwords and wikileaks does not have them, neither do I.
Oh yeah, there are additional comments on your last post and your wife bought you pillows...please use them.

P.S. Your neighbor wants his garbage can back and your son is freezing on his front yard. Barefoot.

Mrs. Tuna said...

Ambien is my BFF

Dr. Cynicism said...

You got me with this one... the "where am I" at the end sealed the deal. Totally following your funny ramblings :-)

dbs said...

@LoC Are you experiencing a memory lapse?
@jono We must be at some of the same meetings.
@Nicole With 4 kids you need more than a nap. What was that stuff Michael Jackson used? Just be careful.
@Vinny C Good point.
@A&G Thank you for filling in the ever-widening gaps between my thoughts. And for your faithful and hilarious comments.
@Mrs.Tuna Maybe I'll try that too?
@Dr.Cynicism So glad. Thank you!

wendy said...

Whaaaat?? I have. to. have. my. sleep.
I love this part of retirement..I get to sleep in to whenever I want. Which is usually only 8:30, but that's what I like. In bed by 10:00.
I like my sleep.
I think after many sleepless nights from raising 5 kids, my sleep has been well deserved.

You have been very sweet with all your kind comments on my blog as of late. Thank you for that.
Sleep has not been as easily come by lately due to all the thoughts raging through my head.

paulsifer42 said...

I don't care what anyone says, I agree with you here. I don't need sleep. In fact, I function better without it. Except for the times I don't and I'm sure those are just flukes.

baygirl32 said...

sleep is highly overrated, I agree... but for some reason I get the most done in my dreams

dbs said...

@Wendy Ah, retirement. I have so many things I want to do when I make it to that stage! I'm jealous. And yes, all Moms deserve uninterrupted sleep forevermore. Sending you hope.
@paulsifer42 Total flukes.
@baygirl32 If only those dreams came true though eh?

vickilikesfrogs said...

Bwahaha! I like you! Hi, new bloggy friend!!!

Missy said...

Those eight negative effects sound a lot like withdrawal from heroine!!!

dbs said...

@vicklikesfrogs Thanks. Ditto.
@Missy Whoa.

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