Yup. The wood chipper. I am currently coveting a wood chipper. What guy wouldn't want one? Imagine the stress that could be alleviated with a good wood chipper session. First, I would begin with the traditional choice: wood in the form of trees and tree debris. I might follow this with random 2x4s in my shed. Followed by maybe a fence post or an old door then random plastic things like a laundry hamper. A pumpkin! A watermelon! An old bike! The neighbour's yappy dog! Okay. I apologize. I need to go calm down now.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
I felt really proud of myself because I was going to show Grandpa that I could control that old relic of a vehicle. As soon as I pressed on the clutch it started to roll backward and I knew I had made some sort of mistake but Grandpa would know what to do and he wouldn’t mind. But I had done something wrong and suddenly afraid, I woke before I could see Grandpa alive again.
My eyes sting a bit as I recall this dream now. When I was a kid, I was always the happiest at your house. Lying there after the dream I couldn’t sleep so I went for a walk through my memories right into your old farmhouse. I remember your kitchen cupboards, those designs I guess Grandpa used a router to create. I remember the cellar door under the kitchen table and the spot there where Grandpa used to sit and smoke, his bowl of green peppermints nearby. In the living room, next to the book shelf stocked with Readers Digest, sat the organ where I taught myself to play “Love me Tender” and in front of the couch rested that kidney shaped coffee table I always thought was so fancy. Back in the kitchen I think I remember exactly where you stashed the chocolate cupcakes.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
I’m a curious guy and I need answers. These are my latest questions.
1. Is there anyone else out there without a cell phone? If so, call me.
2. Where can I get high speed metabolism?
3. Where’s Waldo’s girlfriend Wilma?
4. Will the world ever get out of debt?
5. Why do we need rich bank executives?
6. Why are there so many knuckleheads in charge?
7. Why does so much last for so little anymore? For example, why is my laptop “obsolete” two weeks after I bought it?
8. If it says on my box of compact fluorescent light bulbs that they last for nine years, how am I supposed to keep a record of how long I’ve had all my light bulbs and who would actually do that?
9. When will girls get sick of vampires and start liking sporty guys again or better yet: humorous couch potato guys?
10. If the can opener was invented after the can, what will inventors think of next?
11. What will our children tell their grandchildren about growing up now?
12. Why aren’t all drug dealers in jail?
13. Why don’t investors invest in people?
14. When will we run out of clean water?
15. What comes after Facebook?
16. If social networking is so great, why are so many people so lonely?
17. Why don’t more people have segways?
18. When exactly did I go from heartthrob to mall cop?
19. Do some people actually feel it in their bones?
20. Where did the swine flu go?
Sunday, September 19, 2010
- one adorable orange fluffy and completely rabid fox that I had to fight off with snowballs in the parking lot of my workplace (just imagine the surveillance video footage).
- one out-of-control snowboarder. (It's challenging running on skiis.)
- one moose. (I was on a lawn tractor at the time which I thought would startle that moose a.k.a. small dinosaur, but that beast just scoffed at my dinky tractor and charged, so I pooped my pants and ran.)
- Adelle Hardie after I spit a loogie in her hair on the first day of Grade 5. (Nope. Not proud.)
- one vice-principal.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
Sunday, September 12, 2010
For example, I don't like those useless igoogle fish. It's creepy the way they swim toward your mouse begging for food. They're anemic. And sad. And starving. And what's cute about that? Someone feed those damn things. Seriously, how long can a guy watch starving fish and call it entertainment?! Yeesh.
Hey. Maybe there's an app for this? A piranah app perhaps? (fiendish smile) Suddenly I'm better, not bitter.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Sunday, September 5, 2010
My first thought: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh. I don’t know.My second thought: This is hard. I’m pathetic.
Third thought: I’m unmotivated.
Fourth thought: Think! Shouldn’t I know what motivates me? Shouldn’t we all?
Then I realized it was much easier to determine what did not motivate me such as material things, competition, power, getting credit or (unlike most of the human race I think), coffee. Eventually though, after some quick-fire pondering, I determined that I am motivated in a variety of ways by the following things, in no particular order:
- Fear of embarrassment.
- Chocolate chips.
- Something within me I cannot explain, something curious, something at the core, something compelling, something I should listen to more carefully.
- A need to express myself, especially through writing.
- Creativity and the Arts.
- Friendship, companionship and love.
- Change: new places, new faces, new embraces.
- People who are inspiring, people who snort when they laugh, people who can laugh at themselves, people with vision.
- A desire to provide something better for others.
- Unexpected and undeserved kindness.
- Being cheap.
- The bills at the end of the month.
- Selfishness, stupidity and anger.
- Knowledge and learning.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
It simultaneously fascinates and worries me.